I thought I was over wrestling with my own mind last year. I had a major tendancy to way overthink things and read way too much into stuff and it really hurt toward the end of my relationship a year ago and during the early stages of the breakup. I thought I learned my lesson. Even a few other people said they never saw a person over think things like I do.
My ex and I would text here and there over the end of last year and the beginning of this. I started to realize that the only time we speak is if I make contact first. So I finally decided that I would have to go NC no matter how much I wanted to speak with her. That lasted only a few weeks as she started to text me out of the blue asking how I was and saying "havent spoke in a while, just checking in" Well it got the best of me and about 2 months ago and offered up a phone call and we had a nice conversation catching up. In her texts and conversation, she would emphasize for me to keep in touch and even said "it was good catching up, seriously, lets not go so long in between next time" Well about 2 weeks after we spoke on the phone, I got another "hey, havent spoke in a while,whats up?" texts. 2 weeks after that, she fowarded an email her dad had sent out to all her family and neighbors inviting me to their first cookout of the year at her parents (they have one a month in the summer where they play volleyball)
This really caught me off guard. Of course I overthought, thinking it was a mistake, or she was just trying to be nice. I didnt know what to think. I let it go for a couple weeks and text her something unrelated. First thing she sends back is "are you comming to volleyball?" I just told her I didnt know. I again let it go and the next saturday at 11pm, 11! she sends another text asking if I was comming.
I basically played it off that I had other plans and said maybe next time. She replies with "no problem, theres one every month so you are good" A few days later she IM's me from work for the first time forever. Well I once again have gone a few weeks without contacting her. I want to so bad, but for some reason I wrestle with the thoguht that each text she gets from me is like a "oh brother my ex is texting me again" I know that cant be true but its the way I feel. Especially once it took her 24 hours to respond.
I kind of felt bad because she was the one contacting me the past few months, invited me to a cookout and told me to keep in touch. Which I realy hadn't. So i finally text her just asking how she has been. She sends back that she just got back from Key West. Now I am crushed. I barely got any sleep. All I can think of is she was with a guy. Why else would she be down there. I'm so mad at myself for waiting so long in between her texting me and inviting me to a cookout. Now I have in my mind that she no longer wants to talk to me. I dont think theres ANY way if she was dating someone that she would have invited me to her parents cookout. But, with the way I over think everything, Im not sure.
I dont know whats wrong with me. Here an ex sends me multiple texts saying that we havent spoke in a while and she was checkign in, and tells me to keep in touch. But then I feel like i'm bothering her when I do keep in touch. I still don't know why she would have invited me to her parents house. Of course tho, I feel like she doesnt want me to go, even tho she invited me. My mind does this all the time. I just assumed before that she was dating someone by now, so thats why I wanted to do the NC. I didnt know for sure, but if i found out I think id be crushed. When she invited me to the cookout, I couldnt see her invited her ex if she was in a relationship with someone else. Especially when she knew I still liked her and told her in december how much i missed her. But all it takes is a text saying she was in Key West, and I'm back to assuming shes in this commited relationship. She travels all the time anyway, but this is driving me nuts. I was so happy when she was the one texting me a few months ago, now I was back to losing sleep and being sad when I have no proof of anything. I thought I was over this wrestling with my own thoughts. But I have been so confusesd since all of this started. So happy, then confused, then angry at myself for waiting so long to keep our contact going. I feel like im going nuts.
You can't possibly know what is going on by assuming anything. You have all these scenarios going through your mind that don't really have basis.
You assumed she wanted you to go to the BBQs because she wanted you there (OK...now this assumption is the only one that I can say makes sense to jump to. Why else would she have invited you? This is a safe assumption)
You assumed later that she doesn't really want you to go.
You assume that she has a boyfriend just because she went to Key West. No real reason to assume that at all. I have gone on vacations to Cancun and even Hawaii without a guy. I have gone with my family and girlfriends. Its very likely!
The only way to get out of the jumbled up mind confusion is to stop assuming and start talking to her. Go to the cook outs. Don't be afraid to be friends with her. Don't hesitate to ask. It is the only way you will know.
You know the old cliche about assumptions, so I won't even go there
Last edited by River rocks; 06-15-2010 at 12:11 PM.
Maybe you need counseling. Possibly your suffer from ocd? I have no idea, I'm not a doctor. I will say, I couldn't even get all the way through your post. It felt exactly how you describe yourself. Obsessive. I dont know if there is any quick fix for that. I think your going to need help in learning a new way to behave.
Thank you River Rocks. I guess deep down I know what I'm doing is right, or healthy, but maybe its my way of preparing for the worst. I'm letting my feelings about this girl and the breakup cloud my thinking. I was just on such a high after I got not only 1 text from her but several. When I had basically said I'm not talking to her anymore because I'm the one that does all the contacting. I put myself in her shoes. I couldn't see myself texting an ex 2 weeks after we already spoke on the phone saying "hey, havent talked in awhile" I also couldn't see myself inviting an ex to my parents house, when we havent even seen each other in almost 8 months. BUT, if I did, I'd certainly want to hear from her.
It seems like she doesn't want to hear from me. Like today for instance, we texted back and forth. I wanted to keep the conversation giong and asked if she saw our mutual friend while she was home in town. That was 6 hours ago and I still never got a response. This is what I'm talking about that makes me think and rethink. She hasn't brought up the picnic again, and I feel as if I do, I'd be kind of inviting myself.
LOL here I go again, obessing exactly like Justmel was saying. I frustrate myself that I do over think and over analyze like crazy. I don't do it much in most situations, only relationships. I guess on one hand, just because she texted me a few times in a few weeks, I shouldn't think she wants to see me and get back together. Then on the other hand, just because I don't get a response from her right away, that she never wants to see me or talk to me. Like I said, I think I'm letting my feelings get in the way here. I want to be with her, so when I get any signal that she doesnt want to speak with me, I get sad and freaked out. I need to learn from my mistakes. Toward the tail end of our relationship, I knew things werent going well. I was so worried and nervous, every phone call she got I thought it was someone else. I was convinced she no longer liked me, and it affected my personality and I couldnt be myself. Looking back, all I had to do was calm down, and work on fixing the relationship. None of what was going on in my head was true. There was no one else, she wanted to save this relationship. And I just couldnt calm down and realize it. I guess I should go too far to either side with this situation. Yes she was friendly and invited me, that doesnt mean she wants me back, but when she doesnt return a text, it also doesnt mean she's with antoher guy and doesnt want me to talk to her.
Not returning your text could mean a number of things. She could have gotten busy and just couldnt continue to texting. Throughout the day my boyfriend and I email and text. But when he or I get busy we don't respond. We both know that the other one just got busy. Which is understandable.
You do obsess and overthink but don't beat yourself up over it. Just acknowledging it is a first step towards changing your thoughts. Realizing it a good first step.
I have the feeling that your ex girlfriend cares for you and maybe she even thinks there is a chance for the two of you. But to find out, you will have to be cool headed and stop over thinking. If you text her too much or over think you'll probably drive her nuts ..On the other hand if you are able to be her friend with out expectations...without jumping to any conclusions...and just let things play out, then you will get your answer or your closure.
I do understand about you mentally preparing yourself in advance for "the worst". But when you do that you sort of start to panic. Instead of getting anxious or upset, try telling yourself that even in the worst casde scenario you will still be OK. You will survive. You will have an answer, and you will live through it.
Whenever I get really anxious over things and start to over think and over react, I ask myself to visualize the worst case scenario. And as bad as that case would be, I always see myself surviving it. Sometimes doing that stops you from feeling the anxious feelings.
The only other option really is to let it go completley. Take time to heal youself without contact from her. Get yourself to a place where you are mentally confidant and over her all of the way. So that when you do see her again, you will not be triggered by all of the emotions that are now triggering you.
Either way good luck. Its obvious you have a great heart, you just need to figure some things out.
Last edited by River rocks; 06-16-2010 at 09:22 AM.
I am similar to you in that I over-think things. I definitely analyse how quickly someone replies to texts and stuff.
You could read John Gray's book about Mars and Venus on a date. His main point seems to be that women wish to be pursued and not do the pursuing.
If you really feel that your self-esteem depends on another person's approval, your life will really be a rollercoaster of emotions (I speak from experience). You should maybe try to love yourself even when you haven't got any romantic attachment. The other thing is that being too needy in a relationship is not so pleasant for either person (again I speak from experience).
You could also read up on how people with OCD have a much more active brain than people without OCD. I'm not saying you have OCD but maybe the techniques could be useful.
Last edited by tibbytommy; 06-16-2010 at 07:22 PM.
Screw exes. Move on. That whole 'keeping in touch with an ex' should be effortless and almost thoughtless. If you're obsessing about it and getting yourself confused over this and that, it's probably better to purge the whole thing from your life. Really, what purpose does keeping in touch with an ex serve?