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Old 06-16-2010, 08:32 PM   #1
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Confusing breakup/need advice please!

I'm just feeling really bummed right now and feel like I have no one to talk to. Talking with friends and family can only do so much, so hopefully I get some feedback. I'm sorry this might be kind of long!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years and about 2 days ago he broke up with me. Now I'm going to jump back to about 5 days ago....we had some other couples over to his house and everyone was drinking. He ended up getting pretty drunk and him and his friends girlfriend went out and apparently were talking about relationships. We have barely even hung out with her and she has the audacity to tell him that it seems like we fight a lot and are two different people (whatever that means). So I took him aside and asked him what was going on and he gave me same line she said. I basically just pushed it aside since he was drinking. The next day things were a little weird but we were okay.

Now back to the actual breakup.....I could tell something was on his mind so i finally got it out of him. He just said that he needs time to be on his own and be independent. He has always jumped from girlfriend to girlfriend and he just needs to know that he is capable of being on his own.
Some changes have been going on in the past month, which I think has a lot to do with this sudden realization of his. He recently built a house and has moved out of his parents house for the first time (he was very sheltered).

So I was devastated and did the whole scene of giving back my necklace lol i know...how dramatic. He started crying and kept saying how sorry he was and blah blah. Later that night after he talked to his best friend he called and apologized again and we decided to be "together" but just start over and take things slowly. Honestly something did need to happen because we were getting into a rut and a boring routine.

I still expected him to at least text me the next day! But no, he didn't. I kinda talked to him today (just texted) but I initiated it. I know I shouldn't but it's drives me crazy to sit here and think about it! So what the heck is going on? I don't even know what to think or feel at this point. Once again I'm so sorry that this is long. lol I understand if you just skim over it. But any opinions or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!!!

 
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:44 AM   #2
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

I'm sorry about the break -up. Thats never easy.

To be honest, from my experience after a break-up, if you get back together it is usually not the same and usually short lived. I've been through what you are going through. It feels like relief to ge together again, the problems that broke you up are still there, and things will fizzle out.

The best advice I can give is to not let things drag out painfully. Be direct and open with him and and ask for the same. If he wants his independence, then say good bye and wish him well, but don't let him drag you in and out of feeling hope. I think that its less painful to just call it what it is, a break up.

As for his friend's girlfriend who took him aside and talked to him, well I'd be a bit annoyed. What business is it of hers, mis busy body butting in. I would have had issue with that.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 08:58 AM   #3
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Thank you for your advice and taking time to read my story! I don't know anyone where I currently live...I met him by chance at work. So I feel like I'm not only losing my boyfriend but I'm losing my only friend. Sounds pathetic I know but I don't have anyone else. Whenever I would feel down or something I would always go to him but now he's gone. My best friend lives in a different state and even though we talk daily, its not the same as hanging out. That is why I'm having harder time just letting go. I'm still trying to get through school and basically nothing is stable in my life right now! Why couldn't he just wait until I graduated and started my career!? lol (kidding)

 
Old 06-17-2010, 09:40 AM   #4
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

In my experience, things like this rarely end the way you're hoping it will. When people lose interest, guilt can get them to stay for a while, but it's rare for interest to be re-kindled. In the end, what you're probably going to remember the most about this guy is if you sort of made a fool of yourself over him. My suggestion is to lean on your family and friends for support right now, do NOT initiate contact with him, and wait. If he's the right guy, he'll come back to you on his own. He initiated the break up- HE needs to initiate getting back together. If he doesn't, it's over. Let it go because it'll hurt just as much later as now- might as well get it over with now and move on. I'm speaking from experience. I've done the whole begging thing, calling thing, drama of giving someone back their ring or whatever. None of it works and you just end up feeling foolish later. Much better to at least come out of the relationship with your self-respect.

As to him being your best friend friend- I know how that is too, and suggest that you remedy that situation asap. A woman needs friends, more than anything a woman needs other women as friends. You put too much into this one guy- to lose your boyfriend and your best friend all at once is tough. Find some things that interest you and go out and do them, and meet other people doing those same things, and make friends with them. One place where it's pretty easy to meet people is at a health club, and a bonus is working out will make you feel better both physically and mentally.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Sounds like its time to get out there and make some new friends! I know...easier said than done, right?
I think many of us have where you are. In fact, in my current relationship, the first year of it, I felt dependant on him for friendship because I really didn't have friends outside of him. I've always been kind of a introvert. Then I realized OMG if something happens and we break up I will be alone?
So that's when I made an active willful effort to start making more friends outdside of my relationship. I started talking more to people I work with, which led to lunches and friendships. I also got online and signed up for our local "meet-up" where I posted that I was looking for another female to play tennis with. Someone responded and we now play tennis and became good friends! It just takes an active effort to do it. I'm the kind of person that is amazed at extroverts..they have a bazillion friends and are always with their girlfriends. I always wonder how thaey do that!

So over the past couple of years with effort I have made some pretty good friends and my main motivation was so that I would not feel alone if I broke up with my boyfriend. And now they are very good friends of mine.

It sounds like you and this guy have some couples/friends that you could hang out with. maybe you could call them and just go out to dinner or even go to parties with them. Network...and meet people through people, through common interests, etc.
I know it takes time.. and not every time you try it will work out. But a few will stick and those few will become the good friends your needing!

Last edited by River rocks; 06-17-2010 at 09:45 AM.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 10:26 AM   #6
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Thank you so much for that! We sound very similar. I'm a great friend when I get to know the person....lol but thats the hard part. Like I kind of mentioned before...I'm a student right now (not sure if I can say on here what I'm going for though) and in the field and situation I'm in at the moment it's considered inappropriate to socialize outside of work/school. Once I graduate and get out there I pray that I'm with fun people! I'm pretty shy and a lot of the time people take that as stuck up or aloof.

Its funny you mentioned the couples thing because at that fateful party I was telling you about I met a really awesome couple and I really liked the girlfriend! I could have seen us all hanging out for sure but not now lol. It's too bad I didn't meet her earlier. I almost feel like everyone my age has their circle of friends so why would they want to be mine? At my age I think a lot of people are still hanging around where they grew up ya know....so they wouldn't have a reason to make new friends. But hey you never know until you try! By the way it does mean a lot that you are taking the time to talk to me. It really does help, so thank you.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 10:38 AM   #7
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ST22 View Post
I'm pretty shy and a lot of the time people take that as stuck up or aloof.
Me too. I got that a lot.. but I'm just quiet in person. So I know how you feel!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ST22 View Post
At my age I think a lot of people are still hanging around where they grew up ya know....so they wouldn't have a reason to make new friends.
You might be surprised. Like you said you never know..maybe the people who are still hanging around where they grew up would be glad to see someone new join in! I think just making a new friend or two will do wonders for you. And also in the next relationship you have, you'll find yourself happier and more independant when you have some supportive friends to fall back on and to call up.
Have you noticed any one your age in your classes that might be approachable? Thst is interesting what you said about friendship and socializing not being encouraged?

 
Old 06-17-2010, 11:13 AM   #8
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

It's a very serious job and since we're students we get treated like idiots where we do our externships at. I'm no longer in the classroom at all so basically I'm working without getting paid. As long as we're students we aren't really allowed to befriend an employee and they don't consider us an equal anyway.

You're right about having friends affecting relationships. I'm not really the kind of person who will drop friends just because of a boyfriend. I just don't know anyone here lol. Things do change once you have a boyfriend so it is hard to hang out with single friends if all they're interested in doing is going out and picking up guys. I'm just not really into the night scene as much when I'm in a relationship. I've run into that a bit and it sucks because I wish I just had a girlfriend to just go out and do things with....not just party.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 12:11 PM   #9
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

What other things do you like to do?

Activities that you can generally make friends doing and get friends to do with you include: Hiking, biking, kayaking, inline skating, jogging, camping, going to the gym, cooking classes, going out to dinner, going out for coffee, going to a small local play, comedy act or music show, taking community classes, swimming, bird watching...I mean it's nearly unlimited what there is to do out there and surely you have some interests. Narrow down what you enjoy (or could enjoy) doing and then find like-minded people. I have friends I ride ATV's and snowmobiles with, friends I go to dinner with, friends I go hiking with, etc. A lot of these friends are compartmentalized because the one activity I do with them is the only activity I do with them, but that's fine. We have great conversations during. I have other friends that I don't really do activities with but just be friends with. My best friend lives in Canada, I live in Alaska. We rarely ever see each other in person but talk every day. I don't know your personality type- some people are outgoing and some aren't, but generally it's not that hard to make friends if you put yourself into interesting situations where you are enjoying yourself. People love to hang out with fun people. If you can learn to be comfortable with yourself and get out and do activities you enjoy alone, I will bet you that you won't be doing them alone for long.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 12:24 PM   #10
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Well part of the problem is I feel uncomfortable doing things by myself. I live in kansas city area and there is not much to do. My favorite things are horseback riding (don't have a horse anymore), fishing (can't do that in KC), ride 4 wheelers (don't have one). Basically most of the things I like to do, takes a lot of money and land and I have neither. I'm not trying to be negative but I'm just like at a loss as to what to do alone. I enjoy museums and things like that as well but there just isn't much around here. It's probably one of the most boring places to live lol. I used to live in Texas and there was always so much to do, I miss it! I'm only living here now because I don't have much of a choice at the moment.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 12:28 PM   #11
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Do you live in the city itself, or outside of it in a rural area?

 
Old 06-17-2010, 12:30 PM   #12
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

It's kinda half and half. If you drive south for about 20 minutes it gets more rural and if you drive north 20 minutes its city. I would say its more city though.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 12:45 PM   #13
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

I once joined a softball league in a town I used to live in just to make friends. Which is really hilarious because I did NOT know how to play. But I made a lot of friends quickly!
Also, I don't know if you have the time to volunteer, but in my current towm there is a program call Hearts Adaptive Riding. Its a farm where less fortuneate and challenged children get to ride horses under supervision. They are always looking for volunteers to work with the horses. Maybe there is something within 20 miles of where you live that you can volunteer for with horses.
And one one thing...don't laugh...I recently joined a bowling league. I seriously cannot bowl, I suck at it but it is so much fun, seeing the same bunch of gals each week. We have a blast. I just went to the local bowling alley and looked up the leagues, and found a ladies league. They also have men+women combined leagues. And believe me, you do not have to know how to bowl. They like newbies for their handicap

 
Old 06-17-2010, 01:03 PM   #14
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

Those are good ideas! I really like the horse idea....not sure how many people my age I would meet lol but it would be something to do anyway. I think I'll at least drive to see one of my friends where I used to live. It takes over an hour to get there but I need to do something! Wont be able to get there until sometime next week though

 
Old 06-18-2010, 12:57 PM   #15
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Re: Confusing breakup/need advice please!

ST22
I've been reading this thread. One thing you need to do is to quit putting obstacles up. People are suggesting things and you keep coming up with reasons why it won't work. I know part of it is because you aren't an outgoing person, but you'll never find out if you don't just take a deep breath and dive in.

I was going to suggest that you go to a stable and offer to help muck the stalls in exchange for riding. You'll meet some folks there. Volunteer at a hospital or a homeless shelter or a food kitchen. You will find alot of caring people at these places.

I have never heard of a place that won't let you make friends..that is truely strange. We encourage all of our interns to make friends. How else do you learn about the job?

Any ways. I would consider myself broken up. Move on. If he comes back - fine. If here doesn't you have already started the process of finding someone new and new friends...who knows, it might make him anxious.

Last edited by ibake&pray; 06-18-2010 at 12:58 PM.

 
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