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Old 06-17-2010, 04:20 PM   #1
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BPD - need more info.

Recently my therapist suggested I read a few books on handling relationships with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder, he did not diagnose me with this, but he did said that I have some BPD tendencies. He suggested I read "I hate you, don't leave me" - because it had some good insight and advice. I have read a few post here with people who are with someone with BPD, i was wondering if any of you had any suggestions for me or.. perhaps advice?

I have read some negetive things, but have any of you involved with these type of people actually looked into better understanding them? I'm just wondering what I could do to decrease the negative behavior.

 
Old 06-18-2010, 05:26 AM   #2
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Re: BPD - need more info.

you might also read "stop walking on eggshells"
and yes of course, I've tried to understand one in particular......a relationship that lasted a year. It was good for 3 months and bad for the next 9.
I read till I was blue in the face and came to the understanding that the relationship had to end unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in an abusive relationship walking on eggshells. I decided I didn't want to live like that.

 
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Old 06-18-2010, 07:32 PM   #3
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Re: BPD - need more info.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
... have any of you involved with [BPDers] actually looked into better understanding them?
Yes, Lady, I've read a lot about it because my exW, with whom I lived for 15 years, suffers from it. Like you, she had an abusive parent -- except that it was her dad instead of her mother. Moreover, I took her to 6 different therapists in weekly visits throughout that period.

One thing I've learned is that all human beings have all nine BPD traits, which are at a low level in the healthier people. Your T seems to be saying that you have some of those traits at a stronger level than most folks do. Whether or not they are so severe as to reach the diagnostic level for BPD is unclear. If I understand you correctly, your T apparently does not believe it is that severe.

Another thing I learned is that having a strong pattern of BPD -- even at the diagnostic level -- does not make you "crazy." That term refers to a loss of touch with physical reality. While BPD traits will distort your perception of peoples' intentions and motivations, it does not distort your perception of the physical world around you.

A third thing I learned is that BPD is quite common. A 2008 study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 6% experienced BPD at the diagnostic level at some point in their lives. I would not be surprised if another 4 or 6% have a strong pattern of BPD traits that fall short of the diagnostic level. If so, at least 1 in 10 people suffer from the disorder to some degree that hinders their ability to sustain LTRs.

After reading Jenney's many posts to you on another thread (at the mental disorder board), I must say that I am simply blown away by her keen insights and self awareness -- and the articulate manner in which she is able to describe things. My favorite was her story of the tsunami being the origin of the islanders' fear of shaking ground. You are very fortunate, I believe, that Jenney has stepped forward to share her experiences with you.

I've met many BPDers in my private life but only one of them has the level of self awareness that you and Jenney apparently have. I wish you could teach others with strong BPD traits how to reach that level of self awareness. In particular, I wish I had had the two of you around to teach my exW so we would not have had to separate three years ago. To this day, she still is in denial of having the disorder.

It is very unusual for BPDers to seek therapy because the disorder makes them so fearful of recognizing a flaw or mistake. As I understand it, BPD makes the victim hate herself, so the last thing she wants to hear is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. I therefore applaud you and Jenney for having the courage and fortitude to be able to acknowledge having this disorder to some degree. And I commend Jenney for having learned how to manage it so well.

As to your request for book suggestions, I know that many BPDers (at another forum) seemed to like "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" by Friedel. It is targeted at folks suffering from the disorder -- but many of the statistics in it are out of date because the book is at least six years old. Please take care, Lady.

 
Old 06-19-2010, 12:18 PM   #4
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Re: BPD - need more info.

Honestly, when I first began my therapy I did feel this way, mostly because I am battling PTSD and it was a lot to take in. I didnt know how much I had been damaged and it was just so overwhelming. Sometimes i still feel this way, I ruined a few relationships with good people because of my BPD tendencies, my therapist told me not to get caught up in a label as I am not in an extreme case where i am being destructive and attempting suicide or anything physically harmful to me or to anyone else.

I just worry that if I dont find and get help and learn to change myself I wont ever be able to have a healthy relationship, my relationship now is rocky because of these issues (as you read in the other post). This is someone who knows everything, who I was with a few months back but we split because he couldnt take the emotional rollarcoaster, now we are here again trying to work things out. Do you think there is hope? all I've read is that these people are crazy and all they do is hurt and everyone should stay away from them and that just makes me feel so miserable really.

I dont do the things I do because I want to, it's because I just feel so worthless in intimate relationships and they bring out all these insecurities and a lot of time I am just trying to make sure I wont be hurt again and that's how my brain functions, I dont trust my partners and I just end up trying to manipulate and control the situation. Why would anyone stay with such a person?

 
Old 06-19-2010, 12:35 PM   #5
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Re: BPD - need more info.

Quote:
I dont trust my partners and I just end up trying to manipulate and control the situation.
Lady, I suggest that you take advantage of your self awareness -- which is rare among those with strong BPD traits -- and learn how to manage your emotions. That is, find out the name of a psychologist well trained in teaching the managing skills. Because your childhood trauma damaged your ability to trust, you are driving people away with the endless testing and false accusations, as Jenney explained. With my exW, that meant treating me abusively as a test and doing things she knew that I disliked to see if I would stay around. She put on 60 pounds of extra weight, for example, as a test because she knew I liked her better at a normal weight level.

Yes, I understand that your emotions are so intense that it is extremely difficult to perceive your BF's true intentions (indeed, that is true for all of us when we are overcome by intense emotions). Even so, your self awareness gives you an advantage (in learning to control it) that few BPD sufferers have.

 
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