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Old 07-03-2010, 09:58 AM   #1
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Girlfriend lost twin brother-need help understanding her

My girlfriend lost her twin brother about a month after we started dating. We have been together for ten months and she is still not the girl I fell in love with. I know that she may never get completely back to that happy girl I fell for, and I still love who she is. I just need help understanding her and helping her in any way I can.

She told me yesterday that she still doesn't want to be touched and only hugs people to not hurt their feelings and that most of the time when she is not working she just wants to be alone. She has been on an anti depressent shortly after her brothers death, but she didn't like the way it made her feel so she stopped taking it. She was also seeing a psychiatrist, but had a bad experience (the guy would fall asleep in her sessions) so she has lost faith in that.

My girl is super strong and independent. She has not grieved in my opinion. She doesn't want to cry because it hurts too much. I used to try to tell her that that would be the only way for her to start healing was to feel the pain and try to work through it. She doesn't even like talking about it because it hurts her too much.

I don't know what to do anymore. I love her and am committed to her. We barely kiss and rarely have sex. I am trying to be patient. Please give me some insight or direction.

 
Old 07-03-2010, 12:05 PM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend lost twin brother-need help understanding her

How sad. I hate that part about the therapist falling asleep on her.

Are you in an area that might have a support group for people who are grieving? Most larger cities have them and you could get connected through any major hospital. Even if she was just a quiet observer at first, she might come out of herself if she listened to the others talk about how they feel and what helped them.

You don't say how he died but, depending upon the cause of death, there might be other similar avenues of finding a type of support group. On line you might be be able to find one that addresses the specific loss of a twin.

good luck

 
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Old 07-03-2010, 12:41 PM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend lost twin brother-need help understanding her

need2, this sounds like a very difficult situation. first of all, that doctor who fell asleep during her sessions should be reported to the board.

Second, this is for her to work out. All you can do is be there for her, but you can't make her grieve. It's true what you said, she many never be the girl she was before. It sounds like she's repressing and just shutting down instead of allowing herself to mourn, feel the pain, and then be able to move past it. She'll never move past it until she deals with it, which she seems dead set against doing.

Give her a little time. But you have a life to lead as well and you have a right to be happy. If she can't start to mend and heal and be able to participate in a healthy mutually respectful, mutually giving relationship, then she will be making the choice to be a woman who is not relationship material and then you will need to move on.

 
Old 07-03-2010, 07:01 PM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend lost twin brother-need help understanding her

greif sucks! Clinically speaking, it takes about 7 years to go through the stages of grief over the loss of a spouse or child. I imagine a twin would be about the same. It's not allways like your in a terrible depression, but it's definately something that stays with you for the better part of each and every day......and that's after almost 3 years for me. I dont know how much good therapy could do......I dont want to pay somebody to tell me how to feel about it. Nor do I want to pay somebody to listen to me talk about it and not have any way to fix it. In the end, it's very personal to every person I think, and for me, I really just prefer to be left alone about it. Oddly enough, it's never hard for me to bring it up on these boards, but in real life, it's something I NEVER talk about. Go figure! I just hate that look people get, or the stupid questions they ask, or being treated differently......like I'm a 5 year old or made of china or something. Anywho, It's just going to take a long long time, and I dont know that she will ever be back to "normal". Life's events have a way of changing us permanently. She will laugh again, and certainly she will get to a point where life is a little more joyful, it's just going to take some time.

 
Old 07-03-2010, 11:10 PM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend lost twin brother-need help understanding her

Thanks so much for all of your posts. It has helped a bit. To answer the how question, originally the police thought it was suicide by gunshot to the head through the mouth, but now they are not sure he was shot. There was no exit wound and her mom and his wife were so upset that they opted to not have an autopsy. There was suspicion toward the friend who he was with at the time. The guy had tried to kill him a month prior when they both got drunk. Tried to strangle him.

I know she wants to be happy and is trying. I think she is doing the best she can, but she just doesn't show me sometimes that she is feeling lonely or sad. So I go on thinking things are better when they are not. Plus, we both work a lot, so we don't have a whole lot of time to spend together and talk. Especially talk about emotional things.

Thank you for the time frame; the 7 year thing. That gives me something more to think about. I know I have a life to lead, but I feel that she is a permanent fixture in it. I am not giving up anytime soon, so we will just see what happens.

 
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