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Old 07-11-2010, 11:44 PM   #1
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Feeling lonely in my relationship

Hello people im Caz im 24 and i wanted to write down whats going on for me at the moment thats affecting my life soooo much and would like support and/or advice please and if anyone else is in same/similar situation.

Heres goes,

Iv been with my boyfriend for 9 month, we live together. We are pretty much on and off and arguing sometimes. I feel so lonely in my relationship with him because hes ALWAYS 90% on his Xbox Live. He doesnt make time for me , we dont have any romance or couple time. He gets out of bed in the afternoon between 1pm and 4pm and goes straight on the Xbox till around between 4am and 8am the following morning so as you can imagine i dont even get to fall asleep with him cuddling him. He is so lazy and if it wasnt for me doing stuff like tidying up, doing the washing etc ..nothing would get done. Sometimes nowadays i dont even bother because im sick of doing everything. Hes on benefits coz he isnt working hes been out of work for a year and half. I am out of work but thats because i am unwell at the moment and told not to work yet by doctors but i dont listen im looking for work as hate benefits. He is 27 and has 2 children from previous relatrionship the kids are (girl6, son 7) and he doesnt even get up with them on a weekend i get up with them and give them breakfast. He is so badly addicted to the Xbox that a few week ago i needed togo to hospital and i called him from the bedroom to bring me my bag as i was too unwell to go in living with all his friends sat there. He came running to the bedroom passed me my bag and rushed off and i said to him wheres my cuddle im going to hospital and he just said ..ive gotta get back to my game. He claims he loves me and wants me but to be honest i dont think so. I dont even think he can be bothered with the kids. hardly ever seems to be excited when they come on a weekend doesnt make a fuss of them doesnt take them out anywhere doesnt play with them. Really am fed up. so depressed at moment im having to take medication for it. he knows im depressed and doesnt even try help.

 
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Old 07-12-2010, 12:29 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinew View Post
Really am fed up. so depressed at moment im having to take medication for it. he knows im depressed and doesnt even try help.
First off, I'm sorry your are not feeling well

Second, I'm not quite sure why you are even still with him. If he is perfectly capable to work, then he needs to get off his a** and find a job! In my opinion he is NOT A MAN if he can't handle the responsibility of having a job or taking care of his OWN children. I would kick his but to the curb! With that said, you obviously want to work on your relationship or you would have ended it already and you would have not posted on here. So just a few suggestions......

1. Tell him that you need to talk! if he says no or he is too busy make sure he knows that your relationship depends on it.

2. When you talk to you try to avoid "attacking" phrases like "you are always on the xbox and don't pay any attention to me" guys will get defensive immediately when they feel they are being attacked. So say something like " Honey I'm really feeling a little neglected. I feel like the xbox is more important than me or our relationship" that way he doesn't feel like you are pointing the finger at him or putting blame on him, you are simply letting him know how you feel.

3. There is a GREAT book call " The 5 Love Languages" READ IT!!!!!
you too are obviously NOT speaking each others love language. I have read this book and bought the "The hear of the 5 love languages" which is a synopsis version of the novel for my husband to read. (or just get the synopsis version)

4. If the above suggestions FAIL then my number 4 suggestion would be to tell him to take his XBOX and LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one deserves to be treated so poorly..... My husband never intentionally made me feel unloved or unappreciated however, I did feel that way.. Notice I said DID, With some communication my husband makes a point everyday to tell me how much he loves me and appreciates me.

GOOD LUCK!!

 
Old 07-12-2010, 09:23 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

He is definitely a game addict.
Now depending on how much you love him and how much you want to be with him there are couples ways.

1. You just leave him and don't bother.
2. You try to convince him to get 12 step treatment (i believe there should be some kind of "addiction center" stuff in larger towns). This is where you should start.

This might help.
[DELETED]

First step is to see if he can understand that he is an addict and wants to seek help. If he will always refuse to get help, i'm afraid he's hopeless person.

12 step program is literally a brain wash. And that is needed to achieve the goal.
After 12 steps are done, person needs to attend anonymous meetings every few days. This helps get courage to overcome the temptation to play. If none are missed, there is a great chance to be healed and become really brilliant person.

The sad statistic for alcoholics is, 3 out 10 people get healed and they stop drinking. Don't have numbers for gamers.

Just a final notice: The brain washing has to be done. Otherwise nothing will be achieved. If after taking 12 steps a different person returns home, he MUST be accepted and not told that he has been brainwashed and he should fight with it to become who he was before - this will ruin everything (I'm telling this from my personal experience).

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-12-2010 at 11:14 PM. Reason: Please read and follow the Posting Policy of this board. Thanks.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 09:43 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

He sounds like he is totally boring, I mean to the point where I'm not sure why you would even want to continue this relationship. If wasn't playing stupid video games all the time, he would still be totally boring. So I wouldn't bother continuing with this guy. I'd probably rip all my hair out if I had to be with a guy like him!

 
Old 07-12-2010, 10:38 AM   #5
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

I'd give up if I were you, he puts a video game ahead of your relationship. He puts a video game ahead of his KIDS! You're not his girlfriend, you're his live in maid.

Is this the kind of life you want for yourself and any children you might have?

You can't change him, he won't even see he has a problem. I suggest you leave. That might make him sit up and take notice, but I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

I have a friend who went through a VERY similar issue with her husband. He lost his job, and then spent all day every day on the computer gaming. She was working full time, and he wouldn't take care of the kids or help with the housework even though he was home all day. She had to come home and do everything around the house too.

She finally put her foot down. She disconnected the internet and told him to get off his butt and get a job. He did.

Men are supposed to provide. I think when a man loses his job he goes through some depression and then is prone to getting addicted to gaming as an escape, but bottom line is enough is enough. Put your foot down, tell him to get off his butt, or you're leaving. These aren't even your kids. This guy is acting like a loser. He needs to shape up, or you should leave.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 12:02 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

My ex husband is also addicted to games. So much so that our daughter (we have joint custody) got so neglected when she was there she had to go to therapy to figure out why her dad likes video games more than her. Sad.

He needs to man up or he will lose you. Plain and simple, you need to tell him that. You are fortunate that you are not married, and you still have the chance to dodge this bullet while you still have a chance.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 12:28 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

Hi everyone thanks for all your replies. Yes, i do find him boring. very boring. i often think to myself ..what is it about him that i love? coz im just so bored and lonely in the relationship. If im honest im starting to doubt how i feel about him, sometimes i cant stand him coz hes clearly selfish and addict or no addict ya gotta make time for other people in your life like me and the kids. He hardly makes anytime for us. I cant say he NEVER does but 90% of the time hes "busy" on the stupid xbox or should i say 99% of the time. its so frustrating. I often feel like moving on. I deep down feel that hes going to drive me away. When we first met he told me he likes todo romance stuff and go out but he doesnt. Even on the rare occasion like today -we are having a just us 2 day- and still im sat on chair and hes on sofa playing his games. He said to me about half hour ago..i'll go to shop and when i come back me and you can play on game if you want.No thanks i want some loving not gaming. I play on the xbox sometimes but i know my limits i go on for about an hour or two and thats not even everyday. Just wanna cry!! so sad

 
Old 07-12-2010, 12:33 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

P.S i have absolutely no intentions of getting married to him or having children with him. My contraceptive implant is staying in for a long long long time. Im only 24 , dont want kids yet! I suppose i got that to appreciate tho that i have no ties with him. Also like to add that when i try and speak to him about it he shouts at me saying "oh stop f-in gonig on, your always moaning, and i cant be a**d listening" .Sometimes on the extremely rare occasion and he will listen to me and promise to make more time with me but hardly ever gets done. To get him out of the house i have to take him for a takeaway and i pay for everything. Even his mum comes every saturday to take the kids out for the day and she pays for te kids and HIM. grrrr. i get very annoyed with myself for been with him. dont know what keeps me. trying to figure it out but when i think to myself is it coz i love him the answers ...dont know anymore not sure. Its wierd tho coz half the time i feel so much love for him and the other half i cant stand him and wanna get away.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 12:40 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

A man shouldn't be looked at as some kind of entertaining toy. Just like women don't want to be called sex tools.

Just because someone is addicted, doesn't mean a person can't change at all. This is same for both, women and men.

The person behind the face of addiction can be really sweet and loving and caring person. Those who have never met a person who's healing his addiction will never understand it. They are lucky to not be addicted to anything.
Just like people with aspergers might seem cold and careless, they are very good people inside.

I'm just saying my opinion, and it's you who has to decide on what you gonna do.

Honestly, when a person searches for a partner who is not "boring", i would call such person immature.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-12-2010 at 11:20 PM.

 
Old 07-12-2010, 12:45 PM   #11
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

I think both you and his mom are enabling him! You enable him by not leaving...you keep putting up with it. And his mom does it by coming by and helping him.

If he is to change, the only way I see that happening is for him to lose you (tell him you are moving out). Then he might change. Or he might not. but seriously, you are too young and have way to much going for you to waste precious life waiting on the couch for this game head!!

 
Old 07-13-2010, 05:16 AM   #12
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

thanks everyone for your replys. i dont mind opinions and advice thats what i needed sometimes people just need to be told dont they lol. heres an update. last night i managed to get him off his games and we watched a couple of movies but he still wasnt all that affectionate. i kept having togo to him grrrr. i decided to try talk to him and he said "im not saying i dont want time together but it isnt that special because i see you everyday"...is that a fair comment or not? i didnt like that comment though lol. didnt make me feel good at all.

 
Old 07-13-2010, 06:02 AM   #13
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

Being with you in same apartment is not the same as spending time with you and giving attention to each other.

You should tell him it's not the same.

I know what it feels like when a gamer gets dragged off the game to do something else. He will continuously think of how to get back and will feel uncalm.

I think he has not yet acknowledged that he is an addict, so in my opinion he surely can't be affectionate enough, yet.

 
Old 07-13-2010, 06:56 AM   #14
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

its 1:55pm in the afternoon. hes still in bed. he will be till bout 3-4pm. then it will be xbox xbox xbox. so frustrating.

 
Old 07-13-2010, 07:40 AM   #15
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Re: Feeling lonely in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinew View Post
its 1:55pm in the afternoon. hes still in bed. he will be till bout 3-4pm. then it will be xbox xbox xbox. so frustrating.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. I think you've done everything you can do. And he's still just who he is. The only question left now is, how much more of your life are you willing to waste feeling frustrated and neglected and unloved and dissatisfied? This guy is not going to change. He's just not into you enough to want to be in a real relationship with you. How much more of your time you waste on him is totally and completely up to you.

 
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