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-   -   He says "I don't want to hurt you" (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/761826-he-says-i-dont-want-hurt-you.html)

sognoazzuro 08-04-2010 06:55 AM

He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
I've been seeing this guy for four months and we're not considered a couple at this point. Still in the getting-to-know-each other stage. He is in an emotional haze from losing his dad. He wants a relationship but he feels fragile and broken. He says a lot "I don't want to hurt you" I have been trying to find out what that really means. I don't want to be blind to the obvious, I would say that is him being nice and saying "you're great but I don't think you're the one" yet he says I want you in my life. I want to see you and talk to you. I asked him if he was going to use me and then leave me when he was satisfied and he said "I'm not that guy..." and I truely believe he isn't. But I will say that since we fooled around for the first time, he has backed off. He used to tell me good morning almost every morning and now I hardly hear from him. I could be reading into that because he has been getting in trouble at work for texting and I said well why don't we text less and email more? I said "miss you" yesterday to him via text and he said miss you too. But he said his head is spinning from us moving too fast in the bedroom. I was just adding details to paint a picture of the situation here, my real question is what does "i dont want to hurt you" usually translate to? Other than when guys say it to let someone go or let them do the dirty work...I said to him look, if you're not thinking this can be anything more than a friendship just say so. If you don't feel this, that's ok, that's just how it is. I will go off to find a better fit as will you. He's like no no I want you in my life I'm just really unstable emotionally right now. He seems to have self worth issues and doesn't think he deserves me. This could be true, and it could also be a cop out. Any suggestions as to things I can do or say to get to the bottom of this? I realize I can ask you guys your opinion on what it means, but the truth will come from him. I'm debating keeping on the quiet side for a few days and not saying much to him to make him feel like there is some distance between us. Then maybe he can decide if he needs me more or if he is content with not talking to me much.

rosequartz 08-04-2010 06:58 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
it's a nice way of saying that he knows you're into him more than he's into you and he feels guilty for letting the physical part go too far because he can't follow up with the emotional part

sognoazzuro 08-04-2010 07:24 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;4300823]it's a nice way of saying that he knows you're into him more than he's into you and he feels guilty for letting the physical part go too far because he can't follow up with the emotional part[/QUOTE]

He also likes to say "I don't want to hold you back from being happy"
that sounds like another red flag too, huh? I can't help but hate to believe that he's not that into me when we are so much alike, I am everything he has described as wanting..maybe I can play it cool and not gush over him so much?

rosequartz 08-04-2010 07:34 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
sounds like he knows he only has so much to offer you and he knows that it won't be enough......
definately play it cool and don't gush over him

Kszan 08-04-2010 08:02 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
Although I agree to a certain point with Rose's comments... On the other hand, if it were me, if I lost either of my parents, I'd be a basket case and I literally think I would cease to function normally any longer. My parents are so very dear to me that the thought of them not being here anymore makes me physically ill. So, depending on how close he was to his dad, I can certainly understand him being an emotional wreck.

Perhaps your relationship with your parents is not very close, but I think you need to consider that losing a parent is a life altering and horrific experience for most people and its extremely hard to get over it, even years later. My dad's dad (my grandpa) died when I was 2. I'm 36 now and to this day, my dad still can't talk about losing his dad because its still the most painful thing that has ever happened to him and he never got over it.

Larrylou'smom 08-04-2010 09:20 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
Big, huge, Texas-sized red flags here. He's not emotionally available and he knows it. He also knows you are more serious about this relationship than he knows he will ever be. When he is ready to love again, it won't be with you. He's already categorized you as the kindly, helpful transitional woman. He'll find a woman who didn't know him when he was such a mess, who never had to see him like that, a woman he can leave that man behind with and move on with. Unfortunately, you will be part of what he will want to leave behind when he's really ready to move on. Chalk it up to bad timing and get on with your life and find someone who is ready, willing and able to be emotionally available to YOU.

River rocks 08-04-2010 09:58 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4300887]Big, huge, Texas-sized red flags here. He's not emotionally available and he knows it. He also knows you are more serious about this relationship than he knows he will ever be. When he is ready to love again, it won't be with you. He's already categorized you as the kindly, helpful transitional woman. He'll find a woman who didn't know him when he was such a mess, who never had to see him like that, a woman he can leave that man behind with and move on with. Unfortunately, you will be part of what he will want to leave behind when he's really ready to move on. Chalk it up to bad timing and get on with your life and find someone who is ready, willing and able to be emotionally available to YOU.[/QUOTE]

I agree 100 percent with this.
For men, and I've heard this over and over again, as well as experiencing this in real life with men, that it is all about timing. A wonderful woman could be in their life at the wrong time, or during a time of painful transition, depression, etc. Just as was said above, men will often let go of that person when they are able to move past that place they are in. Not always..but often this happens. And when a man is ready emotionally and in the right place in his life, it is the woman he meets then that he will feel ready to settle down with. I've wittnessed it over and over.
So the sad thing is, to the original poster, that you certainly are useful and appreciated in his life right now. And maybe even someone he would consider a friend for long term. But he already knows you are not "the one". And you likely not going to change this by waiting around for him to change his feelings.
He wants you in his life right now because you serve an emotional purpose for him. Do not feel guilty for moving on or looking for somone who is ready for real love.

sognoazzuro 08-04-2010 01:27 PM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
Yes I agree with you, K, that sounds very much like the case. He is definitely an emotional basketcase and I know he wants to love again and he tells me that he appreciates everything I do for him, I don't think it's an issue of attraction..it is that he is very devastated. I am very close to my parents and I can't say I would handle myself any better than he is. I think that when I did emerge to a better place, it would be great to have someone so caring in my life. Then could I fully reciprocate the love that was shown to me. I just didn't want to be foolish to clear cut signs that he isn't into me. I didn't know if "I don't want to hurt you" always meant something else.

sognoazzuro 08-04-2010 01:31 PM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4300887]Big, huge, Texas-sized red flags here. He's not emotionally available and he knows it. He also knows you are more serious about this relationship than he knows he will ever be. When he is ready to love again, it won't be with you. He's already categorized you as the kindly, helpful transitional woman. He'll find a woman who didn't know him when he was such a mess, who never had to see him like that, a woman he can leave that man behind with and move on with. Unfortunately, you will be part of what he will want to leave behind when he's really ready to move on. Chalk it up to bad timing and get on with your life and find someone who is ready, willing and able to be emotionally available to YOU.[/QUOTE]

I see what your are saying here and I think you are right..however he put himself on a dating website..if he wasn't available or interested in meeting a woman amidst this emotional time he is experiencing, why would he do that? Actually, I may be able to answer my own question here. To check up on his mom on the same site and to see if by some miracle he did meet someone he could tell was "the one". I initiated the conversation from the start, not him. I don't want to be a doormat.

BigRed54 08-04-2010 02:03 PM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
It sounds like he sees you as a friend, needs a friend badly who he can to about all this stuff, but he knows that you are not "the one." So he's been telling you in the only way he knows how not to get serious about him.

sognoazzuro 08-04-2010 03:16 PM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
[QUOTE=BigRed54;4301107]It sounds like he sees you as a friend, needs a friend badly who he can to about all this stuff, but he knows that you are not "the one." So he's been telling you in the only way he knows how not to get serious about him.[/QUOTE]

What's the deal with him calling me petnames all the time? my love, my sweet, cutie, pumpkin, and so on and so forth. talk about mixed signals! Ya know, he has said a lot of what you all have said...being an emotional wreck, not knowing what he wants or when he will get better..I don't know. I need to focus on other things. Thank you all so much for your opinions.

bibimbap 08-04-2010 07:44 PM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
I have a close friend who calls me sweet cheeks, sugar, honey, sweet thing...it's affectionate, but not in a GF/BF kind of way. You probably are sweet to him and he appreciates it. I think "I don't want to hurt you" means that he can see you ARE going to get hurt and he wishes you weren't. I would date other guys.

sognoazzuro 08-05-2010 06:55 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
I didn't hear from him all day yesterday, and he just emailed me to say good morning with a happy face...I would think if he wanted to let me go gently, he'd thank god I didn't talk to him, easier for him to get out of the situation..I'm going to back off and give him space, let him come to me if at all, and not pass up another opportunity to meet someone new who can devote more time and attention to me.

Larrylou'smom 08-05-2010 07:15 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
[QUOTE=sognoazzuro;4301560]I didn't hear from him all day yesterday, and he just emailed me to say good morning with a happy face...I would think if he wanted to let me go gently, he'd thank god I didn't talk to him, easier for him to get out of the situation..I'm going to back off and give him space, let him come to me if at all, and not pass up another opportunity to meet someone new who can devote more time and attention to me.[/QUOTE]

I think this is just how men are. They enjoy flirting, they enjoy the chase, even if they don't really want what they're chasing, they just like to chase. He may not be ready to "let you go gently" yet. He still needs support, still needs a shoulder to cry on. When he's ready for a real relationship, that's when he'll start to let you go gently.

But I think you've got a good strategy. Give him space and get on with your own life. Stick with it, and good luck.

bibimbap 08-05-2010 10:44 AM

Re: He says "I don't want to hurt you"
 
Yeah, I had a guy who was like that, going thru a bad time, called me, saw me etc. Then one day he said something to me about his "girlfriend" and how she didn't want him talking to me anymore. I knew nothing about this "girlfriend" or even that he was dating anyone, he acted like he wanted to date me! And he never said anything to me that sounded like he was dating or even talking to any other girl. That was a surprise. I think you should go out with other guys, don't be left standing there when he goes out with someone else.


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