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Old 08-11-2010, 10:43 AM   #1
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My crazy relationship

Hello everybody! I'm new here, first time posting anything on any blog ever! I have looked around at lots of sites, and I feel this is the most proffessional, and could be the most helpful. Anyway here it goes...

My boyfriend and I have known eachother since highschool. We hooked up when we were younger but nothing ever came from it. We parted ways after school, and our paths crossed again just over two years ago now. At the beginning we were taking it slow, I was fresh out of a very unstable relationship. But sparks were flying and the next thing you know we were together. I'm madly in love with my boyfriend but I feel that things are just getting worse and worse in our relationship.
So for about a year and a half of our relationship he was unemployed, and basically living with me and off me. Which obviously caused major fights and lots of animosity between us. About 3 months ago now he finally got off his buns and went and got a job. He was still staying with me almost all the time. Recently I have decided, under his suggestion, to quit my second job as a dance instructor, because I was unhappy all my free time was getting taken up. He said to me that "isn't spending time with your boyfriend important ?" Which implied to me that he would want to spend more time with me, now that things are getting better with him working and such. Now that I have quit, he is back at home living with his mother and rarely comes over anymore. I feel like he wants what he can't have and when I make myself available for him, he isn't interested.
When I try to talk to him about how I am upset, or feeling that he is distancing himself from me he just gets angry and says he is tired of having deep emotional talks all the time. He used to cuddle with me all the time, and play games and flirt with me. All of that has come to a screeching halt these days and I am feeling really insecure about this relationship. We sit on opposite sides of the couch with little to no interaction, I try to get close and he just seems put off by it. When I bring up the cuddleing issues once again he gets angry with me and says our relationship isn't a romance novel, and he's just not like that.
I might need to add in here that he has never said he loved me first, and even when I say it to him, his response is " you too, or mhmmm".
Am I a doormat and wasting my time with him? I really could use some help here. It is affecting my depression and anxiety now quite a bit, and I find myself panicing and having to medicate to deal with my stress.

 
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:48 AM   #2
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Re: My crazy relationship

yes you are wasting your time....
he's manipulative and controlling....
you had something you liked to do, dance.....and now he's manipulated you into stopping that....and for what?
he's not spending more time with you, and even if he was, he shouldn't be telling you to quit something you enjoy.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: My crazy relationship

Well, I don't blame you for being confused. I'm confused. He definitely sends out mixed signals. He lived with you for a while and sponged off you. Then gets a job. Then convinces you to quit your second job to spend more time with him. Then moves out.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

The only thing I can suggest is a candid conversation and if you don't get the answers you deserve then move on. You sound like a stable and mature woman- another man will certainly appreciate you more if this one does not.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 11:26 AM   #4
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Re: My crazy relationship

Wow...so this guy manipulated you into quitting your dance job ("don't you want to spend time with me?")...so you did....and then he just sits there like a bump on a log showing you no affection?

Something is very, very wrong here. I would probably just break up, but if you feel inclined to attempt to makes things work, then tell him point blank that a relationship is a two way street. You gave, you compromised for him. He is not giving. Why does he refuse to not see or understand your needs but expects you to meet his? Ask him....

Last edited by River rocks; 08-11-2010 at 11:28 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 11:50 AM   #5
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Re: My crazy relationship

You're right, he is manipulative and he isn't compromising, this relationship really is a one way street with me doing all the work and reaping none of the benefits. I am so confused by him. I don't want to lose him, I just want him to understand my worth, and respect me. I feel like he is just taking advantage of me to get what he wants when he wants it, and what I was is irrelevant. He is very indiferent to my feeling and needs. Makes me so sad.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 12:42 PM   #6
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Re: My crazy relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenbean View Post
I don't want to lose him, I just want him to understand my worth, and respect me.
It's probably not him HIM that you don't want to lose (because HE is selfish, cold and uncompromising), but rather the IDEA and image of what you want him to be, the idea and image of what you want the relationship to be, that you don't want to lose (respectful, caring, affectionate, mutual). These are two different things..
But unfortunatley you can't lose what you don't have..and you don't have this kind of relationship. And it perfectly healthy and normal to want those things.
You might need to consider that you may never have that ideal relationship with him.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 12:58 PM   #7
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Re: My crazy relationship

You're right, maybe I am holding on to the image of what I want it to be, or what it used to be, when he was close to me and cuddleing all the time. We used to have fun together and laugh and joke and play around and it was great, then things changed and now he is exactly what I don't want. Do you think things could go back to the way they were before? When he was attentive and sweet? He doesn't really talk to me about the things that bother him until he is blowing up in my face. I am the opposite, if something is bothering me I try to talk about it right then and there so we can deal with it right away and it won't blow up in the future. But he just doesn't like serious talks or talking about problems, he pretends there is nothing wrong and sweeps it all under the rug. I have some serious decisions to make I guess.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 01:01 PM   #8
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Re: My crazy relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenbean View Post
Do you think things could go back to the way they were before? When he was attentive and sweet?
No, I don't think so. I think that once a guy starts acting cold and distant in the relationship, you have to seriously face the fact that he is losing interest and there isn't much you can do to make it right again. He won't talk to you about it, he won't even acknowledge that there is a problem, therefore it's very unlikely that things could go back to the way they were before. You are much better off moving on and finding a guy who will be more affectionate and respectful of you.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 01:02 PM   #9
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Re: My crazy relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenbean View Post
Do you think things could go back to the way they were before? When he was attentive and sweet?
Well, he had the potential before, so yes, I think he has the potential now. But it's going to be a matter of him choosing to look at himself and his part of the equasion. All you can do is tell him your feelings and ask him to discuss, and be open to your feelings. If he continues to clam up and refuses to engage you, then beyond that your hands are tied. But yeah, I think it's worth a try. And then, you will know of he is willing to compromise. If he doesnt then you're right, you'll have some decisons to make. Good luck.,

Edited to add: when having these discussions with him, I would be clear that you can't live on an island, feeling isolated. If he can't join you, then you will be considering moving to another island, where the company is more affectionate, etc.

Last edited by River rocks; 08-11-2010 at 01:04 PM.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 01:05 PM   #10
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Re: My crazy relationship

Thank you everybody! I think this site is great, I appreciate all of your replies! It's nice to be able to get outside opinions.

 
Old 08-11-2010, 05:35 PM   #11
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Re: My crazy relationship

Maybe you should just walk away. You deserve better. I was in a relationship similar and 4 years later I finally smartened up and just walked out. Never answered another call or text or anything. It wasn't easy, but I just kept telling myself that if I answer his call it will only put me right back in that same place of feeling unloved and disrespected. It was an awful place. It tore down my self confidence and self respect.

Six months later, I met the smartest, nicest, cutest man ever. He treats me like he loves me and like there is never a time where he would rather be anywhere else but right with me. He makes me feel incredibly loved. It is a very loving and healthy relationship. It's been 2 years now since I have been with my new boyfriend and our love and relationship just continues to grow. I look back at my ex and that relationship and I cringe to think I actually allowed someone to treat me so badly. I honestly dont know where I got the strength to get away from him because "I loved him so much" I still care about him, from afar of course, but looking back.. what we had was twisted and now that I know what love REALLY is... I can say with no uncertainty that it wasn't love.

One day you will just have enough and you will do whats right for you and you alone. It will be hard, but in the end the payoff will be well worth the heartache (you already have the heartache now -day in and day out being with him- the only difference is leaving him puts you on a road to someplace better!).

 
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