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Old 08-16-2010, 12:30 PM   #1
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Dating: mixed signals

Hi all

I’ve met a girl at work who’s half way through a three month internship. I got chatting to her a week after she started and the occasional chat and frequent e-mails gave me the encouragement to ask her out on a date. We went for a meal and drinks and we had plenty to chat about and she seemed to enjoy my company and feel as relaxed as I did. The night ended at one o’clock in the morning with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Then I stressed out that she wasn’t interested in me because she played it cool for the next couple of days. However, back at work, she gave me more encouragement and I asked her on a second date to the cinema. She agreed, albeit in a very casual manner. Before the second date, though, she accompanied me into town one lunch time to help me choose a birthday present for my dad. It felt very natural to be in her company and, in turn, I got the impression she felt the same.

But I still wasn’t sure how she feels about me and I resolved that I would gauge her feelings towards me on our second date, partly by trying to initiate physical contact. We went for a drink before the cinema and – just as on our first date – we sat opposite, not next to, each other. Nevertheless, the conversation flowed and she was laughing at my jokes and she seemed to be enjoying herself.

I was hoping to link arms with her on the way from the car to the cinema, but she folder her arms as we walked. Likewise, during the film, she leaned away from me, crossed her legs, and folded her arms – there was no invitation for me to initiate physical contact. Bear in mind that the last girl I took to the cinema practically begged me with her body language to touch her. This time, at the end of the evening, we didn’t even hug, let alone kiss.

I’m quite a tactile person and I read a lot into other people’s body language. I’m confused by this girl because – on the one hand – she is giving me encouragement to ask her out again but – on the other hand – I’m detecting that she’s not that into me. I generally suffer from paranoia that a girl’s too physically attractive for me and I feel very much that way about this new girl.

My question is, how much should I read into her body language? When it comes to e-mails, text messages and conversation, I get good vibes. But it feels like she’s only interested in me as a friend and I’m sure she realises that I want more than that...

 
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Old 08-16-2010, 12:41 PM   #2
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

I think there is LOTS to read from a person's body language. But it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't like you. From what you have said, it sounds like the two of you are hitting it off quite nicely. My guess is she is just more of a lady and getting physical is going to be a bit of a no-no for a while. Not only that, but keep in mind your own body language. Is it possible that your body was sending off signals that were possibly a little too "familiar" for what she was ready for? And as far as the cinema goes, this is an awkward date. Your literally sandwiched next to a person, it's dark, there is no talking, and it seems to be expected that some sort of physical contact go on. I personally would kinda scoot to my own side, arms crossed, and lean away too. Not necessarily because I didn't like the guy, maybe I like him alot! But for a second date, I wouldn't be ready to be that comfortable around them yet. I went on a couple of dates with a guy last spring. I liked him a lot! He was funny, charming, polite, etc. However, on the third date, he refused to go home, tried to get a little too touchy for me, insisted i kiss him, then even tried to get me to drink with him!!!! When he finally did leave, I never called him again, and ignored his until he got the drift. In short, take it slow with her and see where it goes. It sounds to me like she's just behaving like any descent lady ought to.

 
Old 08-16-2010, 01:03 PM   #3
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

I agree, body language does speak volumes.
Since you hugged and cheek kissed after the first date, but then she became more reserved and closed off on the second date, I would guess that she is not as into you as you would like. I think that if she was, she would have given off some sort of physical vibe.

How did the conversations go on the second date? Did she seem interested in who you are? Did she ask questions? Was there good eye contact?

In general, I think that folding and crossing arms is body language saying that she is keeping herself closed off from you getting closer.

Last edited by River rocks; 08-16-2010 at 01:05 PM.

 
Old 08-16-2010, 01:05 PM   #4
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Its only ya 2nd date. Shes probably just finding out about you and seeing if your patient and a true gentleman who waits. Not rushes things. Dont read too much into it just sit back and relax and what will be will be. Shes sounds like a very decent lady who knows what she wants, she clearly respects herself and doesnt rush into things. Sometimes men and women rush and get all touchy/sexual when first met or first few times. Just try and not be paranoid, dont read into much. Take ya time. If she gets the impression your rushing , people can just tell , people arent stupid they can sense things especially women we can smell them a mile away, then it may scare her off. If you want her and for it to grow into something special keep it as a friendship/date until shes ready, she your a true gentleman, she will like that more. Even if she did want friendship then thats not too bad is it, least you've met a great friend out of it all. Good luck Cas x

 
Old 08-16-2010, 02:21 PM   #5
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Thanks for your replies, justmel30 and casw

Firstly - just to set the record straight, I'm not expecting this girl to sleep with me, or get sexual with me in any way, any time soon. I really like her so, in an ideal world, nothing like that would happen until we'd got to know each other really well and had strong feelings for each other: I love anticipation in a relationship, at whatever stage.

Conversely, however, I'm discouraged by her standoffishness because it tells me she's not as interested as I am. From what little I know of her I get the impression she's not a particularly sexual or even flirty person, which I take heart from. But her subconscious actions go further than telling me she doesn't want sex right now: it's almost like I repulse her

But it makes no sense that she continues to engage me in conversation and gives me the confidence to drive things forward. We've been exchanging text messages this evening and I intend to ask her out on a third date tomorrow. But I don't really know what to suggest.

I want to do something that gives us more chance to get to know each other better, like a full day out. But I'm scared that if I suggest that, it will be too much and scare her away.

River rocks - thanks for your reply. In answer to your questions, the conversation went well and she does ask me questions. I think she wants to find out more about me. But our eye contact hasn't been great. I find myself getting nervous maintaining eye contact with her because I start to think she's too attractive for me!

 
Old 08-16-2010, 02:31 PM   #6
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

why dont u suggest cooking dinner for her at your place? or say "im having a takeaway tonight and a movie fancy joining me" or" fancy going for a pizza im starving" just say it like u would to any other friend. from what i can sense , i think shes into u, just my opinion, shes texting u, shes going on 1st and 2nd date with u thats all good signs in my eyes.

 
Old 08-16-2010, 02:35 PM   #7
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post


River rocks - thanks for your reply. In answer to your questions, the conversation went well and she does ask me questions. I think she wants to find out more about me. But our eye contact hasn't been great. I find myself getting nervous maintaining eye contact with her because I start to think she's too attractive for me!
Hmmm. Well, it certainly won't hurt for you to ask her out again. If she is not into you, she will hopefully decline (rather than give you false hope).

I wonder if your lack of eye contact and feeling somewhat insecure around her in return made her a bit stand-offish. I'm putting myself in her shoes for the moment. I think if I was on a date and the guy seemed a bit self conscious or lacked confidence I might clam up. If you go out again, try talking yourself into knowing you are worthy and a great guy, and don't fall into the trap of feeling "less than".
She may have picked up on that, and it turned her off a bit. We women adore a man who is self confidant. (I don't mean arrogant or ego maniac) but self assured is sexy and attractive.

 
Old 08-16-2010, 05:04 PM   #8
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

I didn't mean to imply that you wanted sex from her,and I'm glad your willing to wait. But maybe after the kiss the first date, she just wasn't comfortable going that far again. And if you repulsed her, she probably would have had an incling of it allready considering you had a date, and went shopping together. I doubt she would still be texting you either. For some of us, physical is just OFF LIMITS.....for a while....until we are really really sure, and then you might be lucky to get a handshake. It's hard for us women to weed out the bad ones, and this is one of our only ways of doing so. If he is willing to wait, and remain a gentlemen, and we haven't found anything creepy or unsettling to him, then maybe we can move forward. As far as finding something to do, try an afternoon outing on a day off....then if things go well, you might suggest going somewhere else for dinner as well. You could try something that encourages talking. You could go traditional like lunch in a park, or you could make up another shopping emergency. You could tell her you had so much fun the first time, that you cannot live without her good opinion and see if she is game to do it again. You could go for a bike ride, or a picnic in the country. Good luck

 
Old 08-17-2010, 06:39 AM   #9
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

I don't like her body language either and I agree she's sending you mixed signals.....I'm wondering if she's just there because she has no problem with you buying her a meal ? I don't usually think stuff like that, but just be careful and don't get used.

 
Old 08-17-2010, 08:40 AM   #10
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Hi guys Thanks again for your replies!

rosequartz - you share my mum's concerns that she's just using me for a free meal and a trip to the cinema. I admit I paid on both dates; although, she did try to pay for her meal (her mum had given her some money and insisted she did so), but I wouldn't hear of it. That's mainly because she went to the trouble of coming to my town to see me (over an hour round trip). In case you're wondering, we did it that way around because she wanted to experience a night out in my town where there's more going on than where she lives.

But I really don't think that's what's going on here. She's 22 (I'm 27, by the way) and she lives with her parents who seem quite well off, so I don't think money's an issue for her. On our first date she had alternative plans to go out with her friends on a big girls' night out where she would have paid her own way and recently she's spent quite a bit of money on new clothes. Basically, she's not a scrounger (I have met that sort before).

What I have considered, however, is that she's "using" me (in the nicest possible way) as the rebound guy. I don't have any idea about her previous relationships but, judging from her self-confidence (which seems a bit low) and her lack of flirtatious behaviour, I would say she's not long out of a long-term relationship. I could be completely wrong.

Another theory to explain her standoffishness is that she's worried about getting involved with someone she works with - she actually told me she's concerned about what her boss would think. Her boss got wind of the fact we were going on a date and she essentially said to me "good on you both". I assured her that nobody at work cares about us dating but we agreed to be discreet.

River rocks - thanks again for your insight. I agree that my lack of confidence could be a factor in putting her off. My last long-term girlfriend said it frustrated her that I wasn't more confident and smiley around her family. It just takes me a little while to get comfortable in the company of new people but I'm going to make a conscious effort with this new girl to avoid putting her off by coming across as shy and insecure

justmel30 - I have asked her out on a third date and I suggested we do something outdoors because I know, like me, she like that kind of thing. She said she likes the idea of doing something like that and we've pencilled in the weekend after next (she said she'll let me know for definite next week). I'm going to come up with some good ideas of places to go and suggest some options.

We've been exchanging e-mails again today and I've been trying to be playful (not quite flirty) to see if it gets a reaction. She does join in to an extent but I don't think she's as naturally flirty as me. Coupled with the general consensus that she's still scoping me out at this stage, I guess I should just relax and enjoy the situation!

 
Old 08-28-2010, 09:46 AM   #11
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Hey All

There's an update to this. Last night we went on our third date. It went well enough but I still felt like she was holding back and not entirely comfortable in my company. I made lots of eye contact with her and I was flirty, but not too much. She was smiling and seemed engaged in our conversations. Her body language was slightly less defensive than before but still not encouraging.

Towards the end of the evening we stumbled over the subject of past relationships. I made some comment about how I generally find it hard to remain friends with ex-girlfriends. Then she told me that she's still in contact with her most recent ex-boyfriend. Futhermore, she explained that they only split up because of the distance between them. He lives about a hundred and twenty miles away.

My guess is she's still in love with her ex-boyfriend. What scares me even more is that she spoke about her old group of friends from university and how it was good that she wasn't attracted to her male friends because she enjoyed her social life more without that awkwardness. Looking back it's as though she was spelling out to me, without saying it explicitly, that she only sees me as a friend.

We had the briefest of hugs at the end of the evening and I haven't heard from her at all today Should I stop kidding myself?

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:47 PM   #12
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Well, I bit the bullet and asked her, by text message, whether or not she likes me as more than a friend. She replied:

"I do like you, but now isn't really the right time. I broke up with my ex only two months ago, so not really looking for anything at the moment. I enjoy spending time with you, so hope it doesn't change anything. Sorry x"

It didn't really answer my question as to whether she sees me in a romantic light or just as a mate, but I took some heart from her response. I think she's genuine when she says she enjoys spending time with me. And I don't think she'd see me in a dating context (i.e. just the two of us) if she didn't find me attractive.

So I guess it's up to me to decide whether I hang in there and wait to see if her feelings for me develop strongly enough to outweigh the emotional investment in her last relationship. But that runs the major risk of getting caught in the friend zone

I think it's a good thing that I'm going on holiday for a week on Friday. Hopefully it'll give her a chance to figure out if she misses me.

Last edited by John5500; 08-29-2010 at 03:55 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 07:14 AM   #13
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

My advice is stop waiting around. If she come to you in time then awesome but dont wait around, just accept her as a friend and only see her as a friend. I think its time you stopped trying. She isnt ready for a relationship. So if i was you i would stop focusing on the ''what ifs'' ''but maybe''....just move on. I know its really hard when you really like someone and you want more but your just gonna hurt yourself if you keep holding on.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 03:59 PM   #14
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

Hey, casw, thanks for your reply

I had basically decided this morning that I would take the course of action you recommend: to not get my hopes up and distance myself. I didn't contact her today. But, typically, she contacted me. She said:

"Hey, just wanted to say thanks for being so understanding about things. I've decided that since we both like Wagamama, I am going to treat you to a meal there (lunch next week?) whether you like it or not My turn to treat you! X"

So I still feel like I'm getting mixed messages But I'm setting myself up for this to mean that she feels guilty for giving me the wrong impression and she wants to let me down gently and for there not to be any bad feeling between us.

That's what this means, right? But I don't see why she has to rub my nose in things further by taking me out to lunch when she's pretty much told me that we won't be together

Last edited by John5500; 08-29-2010 at 04:00 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 04:16 PM   #15
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Re: Dating: mixed signals

She may fell guilty but theres a few reasons what it could be. Like guilt, cheer u up, just been a friend. Just make out to her like you've accepted it and that your not bothered. Make out you moved on. Actually do it aswell. Your doing good though not contacting her today. Maybe say your busy ? or if you go for dinner just do it as friends and act like a friend.

 
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