wow I wonder what you see in this man.....it's not that you're not allowed to be sick, it goes deeper than that. It seems this man has no consideration for you and no respect for you. Why do you tolerate it?
There's no love here, there is no caring or concern. It sounds like he doesn't care whether you live or die. Why would you ever want to stay with someone like that? It sounds like your mom is pretty supportive, can't you leave and go live with her until you get your own place.
I wouldn't waste any more time with a husband who could care less that you had a stroke! I mean you could have died and he just doesn't care! How can you posswibly even consider staying with him after that???
He sounds so selfish and cruel. How awful to treat a wife like that, like she doesnt matter. Yeah i agree seems he doesnt care wether you live or die. He supposed to be there for you "in sickness and in health" the vows and all that. Has he always been this way before you married him or has he just started all this over time?
Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-23-2010 at 08:29 PM.
Reason: Please write using full words, not u, b4, or sum1 etc.
That is no kind of marriage at all. I'd rather be alone than with someone who treated me like that.
A stroke? He should have been right there by your side as soon as he could physically get there. I had a car accident once and my husband was there before the ambulance arrived at the hospital.
So, have you any ideas what you are gonna do? You can't live the rest of your life like this, you don't deserve it at all. He is been a bully. I forgot wether you said or not, but have you told him you feel? face 2 face? letter? In some ways its a shame you live in a place where theres only certain people who can be taken in by domestic violence. Here is England where i live, they take you in immediately, i got taken in when my ex boyfriend years ago used to beat me all the time and rape me. My heart goes out to you because i know what your going through as i have been there, although it is worse for you because you have children and your married to him. I hate men like that. I know some women can be like aswell. I hope you find some safe place and to live peacefully.
I agree with everyone else....this is not love! I do know that some people almost don't believe in being sick. I've actually known a lot of guys like this, it's the way they have been raised. They seem to think it's all in your head and that you can just choose to not be sick and they of course never go to the doctor for anything. I'm not trying to justify him because there is no reason to treat you this way or anyone this way. It is a completely ignorant way of thinking. You do not need to be with someone who has such little disreguard for your well being, physically and emotionally. Are you actually married or just have been together for so long it feels like you're married?
I'm sorry I must have posted my last post at the same time that both of you did! Didn't mean to say something that was just answered...I'm going to read it and post again
Everything is easier said than done and everyone has different circumstances. This sounds kind of bad but have you thought about putting some money aside from every check he gets into a separate bank account? You could eventually save up to move out and finally get free of him. That way you could qualify for disability and be able to support yourself financially. Don't even count on him for any kind of support emotionally or just for anything really. That is the one thing you can control right now, how you let him affect you. You can control if you let him hurt your feelings and don't even expect him to be there for you when you are sick, that way you wont get let down everytime. I do know what it's like to constantly be let down. I also know what you mean when you say you fell in love and by the time you realized how crappy he was to you, it was too late and you had already fallen for him. It happens before you know it. I hope things get better and you can find ways to become numb towards him and the hurtful things he says.
You should also record his verbal abuse without him knowing it and you could try to play it back for him to give him a wake up call or just keep it for later use, whatever that may be.
Wow Mary. What a stressful and difficult situation you are living in and I am so sorry that you are sufferring. My aunt was in a similar situation for over 30years, but her husband finally died and and she is like a different person now. However, you can't count on their early demise, unfortunately. The only thing(s) that I can add to possibly help are probably already things that you have explored yourself, but I will toss in my two cents anyway just in case there might be something that you have overlooked.
It's easy for me to be on the outside looking in, but the way I see it is that you feel forced to stay due to the following obstacles:
1)Your disability for which you dont think that you can get an SSDI income due to lack of work credits/recent work history and can't get the SSI due to his income/assets
2)He's financially supporting your ill mother
3)You have no place to go
I understood what you posted to mean that if you could remove these obstacles, then you would leave. You have at least one thing on your side, possibly two which you can think about, and the first is that he is gone a great deal of the time. The second is that he appears to think that you are "trapped" and under his control and because of his feelings of superiority and power, he is unlikely to suspect that you would or actually could leave or get away from him for any length of time. So, this frees you up to research your options without his looking over your shoulder. In this case, you can use his bloated ego in your favor.
The most important obstacle to you is of course your ill mother's continued care/support. It might be a good idea to look into other avenues for her care such as a nursing home or assisted living facility where her social security would pay for it. If this isn't possible, perhaps your children are in a position to help their grandmother since this wouldn't be "getting in the middle" of anything between you and your husband. Also, since he likes to pretend to your children what a WONDERFUL person he is, it would be unlikely that he would revoke support of their gandmother should you leave because that would "out" him for the *** that he has become. He might just keep on supporting her once you called his hand on it by leaving just to keep up his facade of "Mr. Wonderful". If she is still in her home and since she believes you, that right there is a place that you could go live immediately and help to take care of her at the same time.
As for SSDI and not having enough recent work history, I think that you should see a lawyer who specializes in social security disability claims because it's quite possible that if you filed retroactively from the date that your disabilty began, then you might have enough work credits in the years immediately prior to that to qualify. These types of lawyers work on a contingency basis and are bound by various laws on the percentages that they can charge. It's possible, and a lawyer could tell you for sure and probably at no cost, that you could be entitled to a lump sum "back pay" check should your claim be approved. It would be based on what you would have received from the original date of disabilty until now, in one lump sum. While this could take many months, it's worth checking into and it could be your "ticket out".
As for having no place to go, getting social security back pay would go a LONG way in correcting that problem. Like I also mentioned, if you could go and live with your mother AND file for divorce, you could then maybe qualify for SSI if the SSDI back pay doesn't pan out. It's a no brainer that you would very very likely receive alimony or maintenance in a divorce and possibly even a monetary settlement, but you probably don't even want to open that can of worms due to the likelihood of what would be his MOST unsavory reaction. So, the more groundwork you can lay for not having to even depend on that, the better.
Lastly, someone else already mentioned for you to set aside money without his knowing it and I believe that is a swell idea. However, make absolutely certain that you stash it somewhere where he will NOT find out about it because if he does, he will take it AND he will be savy to your plan and no doubt sabotage it in any way possible. One good way to hide money from him is with pre-paid Master/Visa cards because they wouldn't show up on any credit reports, no bills would come to the house, and there is no limit to how many you can get. A good way to get money to hide from him is to get small amounts of cash back on grocery/household purchases and sock it away somewhere he would NEVER look, like in the cleaning supply storage closet or in a vacuum cleaner bag. I used to hide money in the crisper tray because no vegetable would ever be in danger from one of my ex husbands.
Anyway, those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. I sure do hope that things work out for you Mary and I will keep my thinking cap on for other ideas.
I want to thank you again for all your suggestions. I have printed out your reply (hope that is okay) so I can begin to sort out some of the solutions you have suggested. Thank you for taking the time to answer so thoughtfully and fully.
Last edited by marymay2222; 09-15-2010 at 03:21 AM.
I think your daughters are disappointed in your decision to stay and take the abuse. I think it may be hard for them to respect you because of this. Even if they were to give you advice to leave this man, would you listen? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to possibly look at it from their point of view.
Marymay, yes it is a boundary issue. If you aren't willing to do anything about the abuse then what do you expect them to do. By telling them, you are just giving them depressing information that they can't do anything with.
I have been in a similar situation with my mother before. When I went to see a therapist the first thing that the therapist said was that I have to tell my mother to stop telling me all these things. I told her to stop but she kept going and I'd have to inteerupt her and tell her I cannot hear these things. The things that she was telling me were putting me into a horrible depression. She was the only one who had any control over the situation, I had no control over HER life.
I agree with Trystme. There is no point in telling them about it if you can't do anything about it for whatever reason. It puts them in a bad situation. They aren't your friends, they are your children and his. It's very hard for children to take sides or to find out that they're father is an ***. Growing up my dad always told me what a horrible person my mom is basically, I never believed him but it also took a toll on me. He might have done the same to them....told them that you aren't a good person and things like that. You never know what he has told people. There is no point in telling them how bad he is, especially if you are going to stay with him.
I agree with Trystme. There is no point in telling them about it if you can't do anything about it for whatever reason. It puts them in a bad situation. They aren't your friends, they are your children and his. It's very hard for children to take sides or to find out that they're father is an ***. Growing up my dad always told me what a horrible person my mom is basically, I never believed him but it also took a toll on me. He might have done the same to them....told them that you aren't a good person and things like that. You never know what he has told people. There is no point in telling them how bad he is, especially if you are going to stay with him.
you need to make a choice what your going to do and stick by that .
don't bring the kids in to it .
not fair on them.
good luck
My aunt was in a similar situation for over 30years, but her husband finally died and and she is like a different person now. However, you can't count on their early demise, unfortunately. The only thing(s) that I can add to possibly help are probably already things that you have explored yourself, but I will toss in my two cents anyway just in case there might be something that you have overlooked. 
