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Old 09-07-2010, 05:49 AM   #1
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What would you have done??

My best friend's 13 year old daughter (who is my god daughter) posted a nasty rant on her social networking account several weeks ago. She called "someone" the "C" word....used the "F" word several times and ended it with the "B" word. Pretty harsh language coming from a beautiful 13 year old girl.

I saw this on my blackberry and texted my good friend saying, "you need to check your daughter's status...such harsh language coming from a beautiful young lady..."

My friend emailed me a couple days later to tell me "thanks for the heads up...but that she didn't see the language because she didn't get my text in time...and her daughter deleted it...." She also told me that her daughter had been mad at her GRANDMOTHER that day for something that had happened so that must have been what her little 13 year old rant was about. I wrote my friend back with the nasty verbiage her daughter specifically used because I thought she needed to know just how bad it was. Plus, the fact that it was about her grandmother???????

....geez, those words coming from my fingers even stung!


Needless to say....my goddaughter has removed me from her friends.....go figure!

I am wondering if I did the right thing by snitching? I feel in my heart I did, but I haven't seen my goddaughter since, and I honestly have no desire to see her.

The bigger picture here is my BF and her parenting. I get together with just my friend now because I really can't stand her daughter. I try my best to keep my mouth shut for most things, but I thought the rant needed to be told. Would you have done the same thing???

Last edited by Mod-S4; 09-07-2010 at 08:20 PM.

 
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Old 09-07-2010, 05:58 AM   #2
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Re: What would you have done??

I think that you did the right thing by telling her mother but now I think that you need to step back and let it go. 13 year old girls are notoriously emotional. She probably regretted saying that on her FB as soon as she published it which is why she deleted it. She knew it was wrong.

You say that you can't stand this girl. Is this the only reason or is there more to this? If this is the only reason then I don't think that a mistake made in anger justifys permanent lothing.

Kids need room to make mistakes, learn from them and move on. I wouldn't hold this against her.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 07:09 AM   #3
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Re: What would you have done??

First of all I would not let a 13 yr old on facebook. also as a responsible parent I would monitor my child's every move on the computer. I would have Computer monitoring software installed on the computer so I would be aware of and receive emails or text messages letting me know what my children are doing and where they are going online. Basically this all comes down to responsible parenting. You did the right thing. I would also remind this 13 yr old girls mother that she is Legally responsible for her daughters actions untill she is at least 18 years old. So if she does something ilegal on facebook or online its the mother who can be sued! or thrown in Jail.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 10:52 AM   #4
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Re: What would you have done??

Kids this age make mistakes and its the parent's job to discover these mistakes and guide the kids to a better direction. I think your BF is keeping her head in the sand. However, maybe your BF spoke to her. Since she took you off as a friend on facebook, I assume she was spoken to.

As far as you "not liking" your God daughter anymore and not wanting to see her again, well, that is your choice. But, she is a child who is trying to find her way in life. If she is veering off in a bad direction, the best thing for her (and all kids) is for responsible adults like her parents and like you, to be there and try to be a positive roll model, a positive influence.
It think it is sort of sad when kids make mistakes and adults throw in the towel and give up on them. What kind of message does that give them? It tells them that are not worth the trouble, and the bad behavior will only get worse.
Like I said, its your choice. But I see it as an opportunity to get closer to her and give her a more positive view of things and to show her love, not rejection for doing bad things. I do think she needs to have the computer taken away/restricted for posting inappropriate things. But love taken away? I think that's a bit harsh. JMO

Last edited by Mod-S4; 09-07-2010 at 08:20 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 12:16 PM   #5
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Re: What would you have done??

yeah, I can't say it's my god daughter's fault, but more my friend's fault with her parenting. She is being her friend and not her mother.

This girl is really smart, beautiful and popular, but she is a brat - and that is my friend's fault. She will get into a fight with her mother, throw her cell phone, break it, and then my friend buys her a new one two weeks later.

She also punched her new laptop because she was mad at something that someone posted about her on FB - and the laptop screeen broke. Needless to say, a replacement laptop was given to her.

I told my friend that her daughter really is too young for the FB account and she should delete it. My friend feels that is too harsh and mean to do (again, who is the parent?). Her daughter has over 1,000 friends on FB. You know she doesn't know that many people and I had mentioned to my friend that she really should monitor her daughter's page and email, but it isn't my business to really say anything so I just change the subject.

I have never been that close to my god daughter. She is quiet and I don't see her a lot. I do talk to my friend (her mother) often, and we get together for dinners and lunch, etc. I have just decided that it is easier to deal with my good friend when her daughter isn't around. It's really my friend I am annoyed with. Like I said, it isn't my business, but my friend does try to talk to me about it.


And, yes, my friend did talk to her daughter about the FB status, but my friend didn't know exactly what was said until I spelled it out for her specifically.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Last edited by Belly Kelly; 09-07-2010 at 12:19 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 12:38 PM   #6
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Re: What would you have done??

Wow.... her mom buys her another phone after she breaks hers in a fit, and a new laptop?

I wonder why your God daughter is so angry? Why does she have all these fits of rage? If she has 1000 facebook friends, and is acting out like this, something tells me she is lacking something pretty big in her family with her mom. Maybe she feels like her mom does not care or something else is going in the home and the girl feels ignored?

Sometimes kids feel invisable so they act out, and do anything to get attention. Her mom migh feel guilty about something, so she tries to compensate by spoiling her. But its not working. The girl will continue to act out because it is not cell phones and lap tops and online friends she really needs...it is an involved parent she needs! And by involved I don't mean just punishment for bad behavior. But involvement in all areas of her life, the good, the bad. I think teens want to have concerned parents, even when they roll their eyes and balk on the outside...on the inside they feel safe when parents are involved and set limits.

Good luck. From what you write it seems you are limited in what you can do for her personally. You have to work through her mom, your friend. maybe try and persuad her to actually talk to her daughter, even when her daughter seems to not care, she is actually listening.
And remind her that setting limits, saying no, and telling her daughter she cares about her (which is why she is setting limits) is actually showing her more love than giving in.

Last edited by River rocks; 09-07-2010 at 12:41 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:02 PM   #7
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Re: What would you have done??

the girl is in counseling because my friend feels she has anger issues. Honestly, I think her daughter is just spoiled. If my friend didn't buy her a new cell phone, I bet she would think twice about throwing it next time.

Apparently the counselor doesn't see a problem in my god daughter girl and they just talk. The counselor isn't allowed to say much to my friend...and in some ways I think the counselor is just wasting my friend's money...but that's another story. My friend is not a bad mother. She is a professional, smart woman and so is her husband. Both very kind people with integrity. She is married to the father of my god child and they also have a younger daughter together who is a complete cutie pie. I firmly believe they are just raising a spoiled child.

Oh, and my friend was home with her children until a couple of years ago. She hasn't always had a career. She just went back to work about 3-4 years ago, they finally bought their first house, and have a pretty normal life. Before that, they rented and didn't own a thing. For once, they are living like middle class people. I don't know if this girl is missing something per se, how many 13 year olds have laptops and cell phones?

Last edited by Belly Kelly; 09-07-2010 at 02:06 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:19 PM   #8
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Re: What would you have done??

Well, even children from "good homes", middle class, professional parents, can still have issues. Her anger is coming from somewhere.

Sure, she possibly could be just plain spoiled. You can't rule that out...but it's more likely there is a reason behind the anger and behavior.

Family counseling with the mom and the daughter would be more effective. Even if your friend 100 percent feels she has done the very best and the problem lies within her daughter, she would be happily surprised at how new light is shed onto their relationship if they went together to see a family counselor. It's no one "fault" per se.... it's just a matter of understanding the dynamic between each other.

I think it's too easy these days to dismiss a child's bad behavior as simply spoiled, or assume it's ADD and they need meds, or to throw them in counseling by themselvles, or put them on meds for whatever, without being involved and trying to get to the root of their problem. (I'm not saying your friend is guilty of that...just in general), it's too easy to blame the kids without taking any responsibility that they (the parents) are the one/s who taught the child to be the way they are. I don't believe some that children are simply born as bad seeds. It comes from parenting and outside influences, as well as biological.

Your God Daughter might very well be spoiled. And her behavior is unacceptable. But there is a reason, and things will continue and even escalate until the root and reason is discovered.

Last edited by River rocks; 09-07-2010 at 02:21 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 02:22 PM   #9
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Re: What would you have done??

I think maybe if you had/have a close relationship with your god-daughter I would have used it as an object lesson. The one that comes to mind is the girl, Phoebe Prince, who committed suicide partly due to unkind remarks people made about her on a social networking website. Kids sometimes don't see past their own feelings, but it's a good time to teach some empathy.

Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 09-07-2010 at 02:25 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2010, 04:30 PM   #10
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Re: What would you have done??

I know my friend is concerned because the child's uncle is bipolar and she does acknowledge that there could be something more to her daughter. Plus, girls and hormones now a days....well, you get my drift.

My god daughter always did well in school and then started to not care about her homework half way through the school year and was failing classes. My friend got on top of her with her studies and it was a battle. So, my friend simply said, "fine, if you want to sit your butt in summer school...then that is where you will be this summer..." Guess what? Honor roll next marking period! That problem was solved so it shows she is capable of making sound decisions.

She also hangs with a rough crowd. She isn't in the best school district and often says she wants to go to a "smarter" school. A lot of her behavior does have to do with her friends, but it seems the popular kids in her school are more of the social misfits than the pretty and preppy kids. I do feel a bit part of this is my friend acts like a friend instead of a mother to her daughter...again, cell phone, laptop, and 1000+ friends on FB? Why the need to let your child grow up so fast?

Thanks for the advice everyone. I will definitely look at this as an opportunity to talk to my god daughter and maybe just listen more to my best friend.

Last edited by Belly Kelly; 09-07-2010 at 04:33 PM.

 
Old 09-09-2010, 11:36 AM   #11
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Thumbs up Re: What would you have done??

I really feel for you as I have been in this situation my self with my Niece.
I have told my sister of how my niece is and felt I should not have said anything. My sister puts things under the carpet really and it is every one elses fualt not her son or daughters.
I was glad I said something as this situation was getting out of hand and I would only tell you that You felt that that was the right thing to doat the time and I am right long side you.
This young girl will have to grow up at some stage and be liable for her actions and her choices. Mum can only do so much as at that age she will know best and every one else will be the bad seeds.
You have made a choice to say something and the mother still exceps you and as for the child she will in time be thankfull. I will say though that two wrongs don,t make it right.
You are the adult in this situation and I would at least say hello and talk to her.
No she will not trust you as at her age she is a know all unfortunately.
. You believed in yourself when you made this decision and reality is good knows what may have happened if you didn,t.
Trust yourself now as I do yes because you showed you cared enough to say something and if more people did that them the world would be a better place.
Do something nice for yourself because you deserve it.

 
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