| | I'm Dating an Alcoholic
So my situation is as follows... I'm 22 and currently attending a college in nyc. My boyfriend has problems with Alcohol, Adderall, and Marijuana. In the past I have had my own problems with drinking, but not to the degree of alcoholism. Most of my drinking triggers revolved around being unhappy and lonely and not feeling like anyone ever wants to be with me.
I guess that's why when I met my boyfriend (lets call him Joe to make this easier) I was so willing to ignore what people told me. To start off I met him at a bar a friend of mine works at. But I thought "well, I was in the bar and I'm okay." He was so eager to be with me, but he continuously messed up over and over again. Flaking out on plans etc. So I told him forget it, and miraculously he appeared to get his **** together.
I never meant to commit to Joe and be his girlfriend, it was just nice to have someone there. I know this seems stupid too. I was so willing to overlook all these signs because I'd never had a boyfriend before. God, how great... I've really screwed myself over now letting my first boyfriend be an alcoholic. As if I wasn't a mess before.
Anyway, the thing is that Joe has the ability to be so convincing when he talks about his life to other people. He "lost his phone charger," when really I think they shut his phone off because he hasn't paid the bill. He "orchestrated his firing from Tiffany & Co," which now I'm thinking is because he was showing up drunk or hungover or something. I mean- he even told me he was married once for 6 weeks. Joe says they broke up because she was a lesbian, but I'm betting that he just made that up. All these things are so easy to believe, especially when I was looking for someone to be with so desperately.
But there have been times when I know Joe is sober, and he is so different. This is the person I fell in love with. but how do you tell someone your love for them is conditional? I guess you say "I only love you when your sober."
He came with me on a trip to visit some friends in Boston, and he was straight for most of it (exceptions being when everyone else was having a couple drinks too). Then after we came back from our trip he didn't answer his phone one night. The next day he called me to say he was sleeping, and that if he ever doesn't answer I should just come over. So when the same thing happened the next night I did. I found him laying in his bed crying. He said he was emotional because he hadn't been drinking, smoking, or doing adderall. He said he knew these things were keeping him in the poor financial and emotional state he is in. I was thrilled. Not that he was upset, but that he understood and accepted and wanted to change. Then the next day I called him up excited because I didn't have to go to work... and he immediately started a defensive rant about how he had a couple drinks, was high, and was smoking cigarettes. I left his apartment and sent him a message about how he was going against all the things he said the night before.
You see, this happens all the time. He says he wants things to be different, he wants to change- and then it gets too hard. He doesn't like how he feels, so he goes right back to drinking etc and gets defensive.
Since that day he's been drinking all the time. I was at his apartment with a pack of cigarettes and he will just take them from me. I said something about asking and he screamed at me about how if they're in his apartment they are his cigarettes. I got upset and he left in a snit to go to the store and buy a pack. When he came back he tried to act like nothing happened.
Anyway, I could go on forever about all of this. Basically, if you have had the patience to read this all... here is my real question:
I knew I had to break up with him. I did last night, but he was so drunk who knows if he's figured it out. I can't just fully walk away, I want to help him. I know me being around cant help, that I just enable him. The problem is that currently the government, his landlord, and his neighbors all do. its funny how it seems like the people who love him the most have decided to cut him off, but these virtual strangers support his addictions. He's on unemployment, and he blows it on booze, pot, and cigarettes. At his worst he drinks chocolate milk with rum in it if he's hungry, rather than buying groceries. He yells at me and says "this is what I need to function." Only he isn't functioning, not in a healthy way. The ladies at the liquor store, the guys at the bodega, his landlord, and the girl next door who sells pot all let him run up tabs and IOUs. Of coarse he pays them back eventually, but then immediately puts something else on "his tab."
My question is: do I go to these people and ask them to stop enabling him too? Some of them have known him longer than I have, so I'm worried they wont take me seriously. Should I contact the people at the Unemployment center and tell them hes an addict and they are enabling him by giving him $425 a week to spend on booze and drugs?
or do I completely walk away?
Last edited by anonymous22; 09-07-2010 at 11:16 AM.