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Old 08-13-2002, 05:45 AM   #1
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Beth Ann HB User
Arrow married with step children

Hello, everyone. I am 34, and married with step children (2 girls, aged 8 & 12). I do not have any kids of my own, and do not plan on having any. I would like to hear from other women in my situation. I love my husband dearly, and knew it was a package deal. Don't get me wrong. I do not dislike children, I just never wanted any of my own. I love my nieces and nephews, and also my friends kids. But I do not have the same kind of love for my husband's kids. I feel extremely guilty about this, and I try so hard to love them and show them that I love them. We get them every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I become a different person when we have them. It's just hard becoming an "instant mom". Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this subject? I would love to hear from you. Thanks, Beth Ann p.s. I've been married a little over a year, and have been with my husband for 3 years.

 
Old 08-13-2002, 05:55 AM   #2
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NeverWed HB User
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Hi. MY situation is similar. But, I have 2 children of my own, and 2 teenage stepsons. We have been a unit for 7 years, and what you are feeling is perfectly natural. I have never bonded with the step kids. They have their own mom, and there was never the chance for a maternal bond to form with myself and them.
I think the best way to deal with the situation is through respect. Respect their position in your relationship, and they will respect yours. Remember that you share one very common thing....you all love the same man.

 
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Old 08-15-2002, 06:45 AM   #3
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Beth Ann HB User
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Thanks so much for the advice. It helps to know I'm not the only one who hasn't bonded with their step-children. I still feel guilty about it though.

 
Old 08-15-2002, 03:47 PM   #4
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hillarynotclinton HB User
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Im married with a daughter, a new baby, and a stepson. I have not bonded with him at all. Part of it is because he is very difficult to be around. He is 5 with severe developmental delays. I cant even understand him when he talks. He also displays socially inappropriate behavior and can be quite mean and you just dont get much from him in the caring department. My role in his life is helping my hubby learn how to deal with him. We strongly suspect he is mentally retarded, but his mom hides him. It will be up to us to have him diagnosed, which with our insurance is expensive. He has never attended school, and his parents for the most part never took him in public much. My 5 year old daughter is advanced for her age and well-disciplined. The new baby seems to be doing great too. sometimes I feel like i made a mistake marrying someone with a child like this, but I truly lovemy husband, and will try to make this work.

 
Old 08-18-2002, 09:44 AM   #5
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OH PLEASE!!! I'm so glad someone finally addressed this issue. I've tried unsuccessfully before. My two are almost grown (19 and almost 18). They have cars and jobs, etc. They do still live at home but I never see them because they're hardly ever here. My kids are far from being angels but they don't smoke, drink, do drugs, they were both straight A students, bought their own cars...you get the picture. Now for his terrors: Girl, 14...boy, 9. I did not take the 'package deal' when I met him. His kids lived with their mother several states away. We saw them a couple of weeks in the summer and over Christmas vacation. Then all hell broke loose. The ex-wife got evicted and lost her job. Child Protective Services called us and told my husband that if he didn't come and get them they could take them into custody. Needless to say he went and got them. That was a year about 2 years ago. They have caused so many problems between us. They lie, steal, backtalk me, and he and I have so many fights and arguments because of them. Their 'mother' now lives in the same town as us and has been through 4 jobs and 2 homes in the last year. I now spend all of my time at work or in my room. I can't help it. I was almost done with kids! I feel like I've had 10 years added to my sentence when I was about to be paroled. I did get over the guilt thanks to a book I read (I wish I remembered the name). It said that what I feel is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about not falling in love with his kids when I fell in love with him. How can you feel motherly towards someone when you don't want to? You aren't alone out there.

 
Old 08-30-2002, 02:41 PM   #6
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Ok my reply is VERY diffrent LOL. I am a gay female and I have a 7yr old daughter whom is aware of my sexual prefrence.My problem is I have been with this 21yr.old "child" so to say because she has been very sheltered and still goes to MOMMY on EVERYTHING. So for me it is frusturating because I have to deal with the two of them holding this grude on each other.The two of them do not get along they tolerate each other and that's it. Lately I have been thinking of breaking up with my girl because of this craziness, we often argue about it alot.My other relationships have accepted my daughter as their own and my daughter loved them as well.It's just I have been with my girl for 4yrs now and it's hard to shake the things we have accomplished off. I have also been somewhat cheating with an older woman 25 whom is INDEPENDENT and loves my daughter and wants to get to know her better, we have been having an affair for 1yr now and I love her too, the only thing is I think I love my girl more.......ANY ADVICE????

 
Old 08-31-2002, 06:44 AM   #7
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kama2080 HB User
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Hey ladies..
I'm going to mix things up a bit and give you a look from a different perspective. I'm a 21 yr old female that 'gained' a stepmother at the age of 9. My dad left my mom for this woman, and while I've gotten over that part, I've never been able to bond w/my stepmom. It's really hard to accept a woman when you feel like she's the reason you don't have your daddy anymore. Plus she makes no effort to hide the fact that her 3 daughters come first over me and my 2 sisters. She's civil, but it's obvious that she's being that way for my dad's sake not ours. So it maybe hard for you to deal w/ a 'ready-made' family, but you had a choice to enter the relationship, unlike the children, who just have to learn to deal. Just my opinion, I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, definitely not my intentions..

Kat

 
Old 08-31-2002, 09:54 AM   #8
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Kat...you didn't upset me at all. In fact, you gave me a different perspective. BUT...you do realize that it was your dad that left, right? This woman could not 'steal' your dad from your mom unless he wanted to go. The reason I address this issue is because my husband was still with his exwife when I came into the picture and I feel that this is part of the problem I have with the step-monsters. I'd be mad at the parent that left you, not the person that they are with now. Just my opinion...

 
Old 08-31-2002, 09:57 AM   #9
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Also...MzRed...How can you expect your child to accept this person? There must be a problem there somewhere if you're cheating. Kids are smarter than you think, especially 7 year olds. She may not know you're cheating but I'm sure she knows something is going on and because of this would show your partner less respect. Just my opinion....

 
Old 08-31-2002, 11:21 AM   #10
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kama2080 HB User
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Mushmelon..
I completely agree with you. My stepmom didn't twist my dad's arm to make him leave, but I was focusing on the stepmom part. Plus she's just as guilty as him, being as she was in the same position as my dad, and she gave up her 3 girls and husband just like he did. Fact is, if someone's married, the other person needs to wait until they've closed that chapter of their life before moving in for the kill.

Kat

 
Old 08-31-2002, 11:55 AM   #11
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Mushmelon,
I agree with you on that but even before I started cheating my daughter has had the same attitude about her from day 1. I have thought about that myself and although that might contribute a tad bit it is merely the reason. My girlfriend is Jealous of my daughter because she wishes I were all too just her and she has told me this,this occured in an argument and she point blank told me "you're right I wish I could have you all to myself" I left that night , yet she called me all night and finally that morning I answered and she begged me to come home...So here I am and she has NEVER said such a stupid thing since yet the two of them are not the Brady's I would say they are more like the Addam's..LOL

 
Old 08-31-2002, 10:24 PM   #12
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Beth Ann HB User
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Kama2080 (Kat), I know where you're coming from. Believe me. I have been in your shoes, too. When I was 9, I caught my dad kissing another woman....and I went home and told my mom about it. From there on, everything went to hell. It seems that my dad had been cheating on my mom for a long time, and not with just that one particular woman. To make a long story short, my dad did eventually leave my mom for "that woman". They got divorced, and my mom tried to get on with her life. But my dad kept acting like he still cared for her, and kept her hanging by a string. Even though I was little, I knew what was going on. Anyway, my little brother was in a car accident not long after the divorce (only got bruised up), and my mom and dad ended up getting back together-for the sake of us kids. This story is gonna be long, but I've got to make my point here. Both my mom and my dad lived the rest of their lives miserably, just for the sake of my brother and me. Do you know how guilty I feel, now that I understand? I know my dad never loved my mom the way she wanted and needed to be loved. I think she loved him, but a one-sided relationship is very hard. When I was a teen-ager, and knew a little bit more about love, I found several pictures of "that woman" (my dad's girlfriend) hidden in a storage building. I realized that he really loved her, and gave his happiness up for me. I know that when some dads stay in the relationship for the kids, that it is the right thing. But, not in my case. You see, I never saw any love between my mom and dad. No hugging. No kissing. No happiness. My dad never went on vacation with me, my mom, and my brother. He never went to any of our school events, not even our graduations. He wasn't really a father. He was just a man who lived in our house. Now, my brother and I are both "relationship-dysfunctional". We have been in and out of many relationships. We both seem to "have it all together", but not really. We've still got problems inside. Now, more of my story. Sorry this is so long. My dad got cancer when I was 22. I was getting ready to leave town and start a new life for myself. (I had gotten married at 18, and divorced at 19. I then got involved with a womanizer-just like my dad-and had just gotten out of the relationship when I was 22.) When I found out about my dad having cancer, I decided to stick around. It was only then that he started acting like a father to me. It was probably the first time I saw him kiss and hug my mom since I was probably 5 or 6. All those years, my mom had said she was going to leave him when my brother graduated from high school. That was the year he graduated. She didn't leave. My father died when I was 26. I only had 4 good years with him, and I am thankful for those years. But I do feel guilty that he missed out on his life. I do think it would have been hard for me to have a stepmom. I hated that woman, even though she was nice to me. I did blame her. Not my dad-even though now I know it takes two. There were times when I almost started to like her, but I felt like I was betraying my mom. It's really all kind of confusing, but I think everyone would have been better off if my mom and dad would have stayed divorced. Maybe they each could have spent the rest of their lives being with their true loves. Me and my brother would have been messed up either way, I think. But maybe not as bad. Does that make sense? Kids need to grow up in a loving household. I know that from experience.

 
Old 09-01-2002, 07:37 AM   #13
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Beth Ann..
I read you post, and I feel for you. I would have to agree w/you completely. I'm glad my parents divorced, because it allowed my mother to move on and find her true love (my stepfather) and become a happier person. But that still doesn't excuse my fathers or stepmothers behavior. It does bother me sometimes, not so much as I've gotten older, but to a 9 or 10 year old it's pretty hard to deal with.
I also agree w/ your statement on not wanting to bond w/your dad's gf because you felt like you were betraying your mom. I felt that way too, but my stepmom made and still makes (sometimes) it pretty easy to hate her. I appreciate your response..

Kat

[This message has been edited by kama2080 (edited 09-01-2002).]

 
Old 03-08-2005, 12:49 AM   #14
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A-me HB User
Re: married with step children

I need some advice. I am involved with a man who has a 6 year old son. He has joint custody and has his son two weeks a month. We are planning to get married on April 7th. April 7th is on a Thursday which would make it perfect for us to take a long four day weekend to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. Problem is, he has his son those days and has suggested we wait till he doesn't have his son. I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son. He could easily ask the child's mother to keep him those days. My question is, should I be upset about this? Do I have the right to be upset about this? I am upset about this but not sure if I should say anything. I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

 
Old 03-08-2005, 12:56 AM   #15
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A-me HB User
Re: married with step children

I need some advice. I am involved with a man who has a 6 year old son. He has joint custody and has his son two weeks a month. We are planning to get married on April 7th. April 7th is on a Thursday which would make it perfect for us to take a long four day weekend to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. Problem is, he has his son those days and has suggested we wait till he doesn't have his son. I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son. He could easily ask the child's mother to keep him those days. My question is, should I be upset about this? Do I have the right to be upset about this? I am upset about this but not sure if I should say anything. I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

 
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