married with step children - Relationship Health Message Board

Beth Ann · 08-13-2002, 06:45 AM

Hello, everyone. I am 34, and married with step children (2 girls, aged 8 & 12). I do not have any kids of my own, and do not plan on having any. I would like to hear from other women in my situation. I love my husband dearly, and knew it was a package deal. Don't get me wrong. I do not dislike children, I just never wanted any of my own. I love my nieces and nephews, and also my friends kids. But I do not have the same kind of love for my husband's kids. I feel extremely guilty about this, and I try so hard to love them and show them that I love them. We get them every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I become a different person when we have them. It's just hard becoming an "instant mom". Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this subject? I would love to hear from you. Thanks, Beth Ann p.s. I've been married a little over a year, and have been with my husband for 3 years.

NeverWed · 08-13-2002, 06:55 AM

Hi. MY situation is similar. But, I have 2 children of my own, and 2 teenage stepsons. We have been a unit for 7 years, and what you are feeling is perfectly natural. I have never bonded with the step kids. They have their own mom, and there was never the chance for a maternal bond to form with myself and them.
I think the best way to deal with the situation is through respect. Respect their position in your relationship, and they will respect yours. Remember that you share one very common thing....you all love the same man.

Beth Ann · 08-15-2002, 07:45 AM

Thanks so much for the advice. It helps to know I'm not the only one who hasn't bonded with their step-children. I still feel guilty about it though.

hillarynotclinton · 08-15-2002, 04:47 PM

Im married with a daughter, a new baby, and a stepson. I have not bonded with him at all. Part of it is because he is very difficult to be around. He is 5 with severe developmental delays. I cant even understand him when he talks. He also displays socially inappropriate behavior and can be quite mean and you just dont get much from him in the caring department. My role in his life is helping my hubby learn how to deal with him. We strongly suspect he is mentally retarded, but his mom hides him. It will be up to us to have him diagnosed, which with our insurance is expensive. He has never attended school, and his parents for the most part never took him in public much. My 5 year old daughter is advanced for her age and well-disciplined. The new baby seems to be doing great too. sometimes I feel like i made a mistake marrying someone with a child like this, but I truly lovemy husband, and will try to make this work.

Mushmelon · 08-18-2002, 10:44 AM

OH PLEASE!!! I'm so glad someone finally addressed this issue. I've tried unsuccessfully before. My two are almost grown (19 and almost 18). They have cars and jobs, etc. They do still live at home but I never see them because they're hardly ever here. My kids are far from being angels but they don't smoke, drink, do drugs, they were both straight A students, bought their own cars...you get the picture. Now for his terrors: Girl, 14...boy, 9. I did not take the 'package deal' when I met him. His kids lived with their mother several states away. We saw them a couple of weeks in the summer and over Christmas vacation. Then all hell broke loose. The ex-wife got evicted and lost her job. Child Protective Services called us and told my husband that if he didn't come and get them they could take them into custody. Needless to say he went and got them. That was a year about 2 years ago. They have caused so many problems between us. They lie, steal, backtalk me, and he and I have so many fights and arguments because of them. Their 'mother' now lives in the same town as us and has been through 4 jobs and 2 homes in the last year. I now spend all of my time at work or in my room. I can't help it. I was almost done with kids! I feel like I've had 10 years added to my sentence when I was about to be paroled. I did get over the guilt thanks to a book I read (I wish I remembered the name). It said that what I feel is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about not falling in love with his kids when I fell in love with him. How can you feel motherly towards someone when you don't want to? You aren't alone out there.