Don't I have a right to be happy? - Relationship Health Message Board

Kadree · 08-20-2002, 03:04 PM

This is going to take a while to explain,so please, bear with me.
From the time I was in grade 3 I had this huge crush on this boy that was four years older than me. Throughout the years we dated on and off. We had other relationships but we always seemed to find each other again. I had other boyfriends, but the minute that I knew that he was back in town that was it for me. No one else existed when we were together. Eventually he moved further away and wouldn't exactly give me the commitment that I was looking for. A while later I moved in with a guy who later became my husband. I had a business trip to the city where he lived (before I was married) and ended up staying at his place. Although nothing happened, we sat up talking and catching up I miss the feeling that I had with him. He wanted me to move to the city that he lived in and promised me a wonderful life. I think that I was very afraid to do this because he wouldn't commit before that. So instead I came home and got married and now I have two children. I haven't stopped thinking about him or dreaming about him. Now my marriage is falling apart, my husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive. I am thinking about this other guy constantly. My question is this: does this sound like something that was meant to be, and my body is finally letting me feel again. wanting me to know what love really feels like? Or am I dreaming- you know-the grass is greener on the other side? By the way this other guy is not married and has never married. Please give me some advice. Inside I feel like a lovesick teenager again and I don't even know if this other guy will talk to me.

star508 · 08-20-2002, 05:12 PM

Well, I think there's two parts to your story. First, if your husband is abusive to you, get yourself and your children out of that house! If it's temporary stress, perhaps you could stay at your family's or a friend's house for a while. If it's been going on/will go on forever, get your family's help or someone from the outside, but you shouldn't have to go through that and neither should your children.

The second part then, is this guy. I think there's nothing lost by calling him up and spending some time together, even as friends. If the feelings between you will be mutual, it might be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. On the other hand, don't run to him because you're having problems with your present husband. Also, decide what you and your husband are doing - are you going to try to work through your problems? Are you going your separate ways?

Basically, when you're clear on what you want for yourself and your children and you're in a stable situation, then go pursue this guy! That's what I think.

MelNor · 08-20-2002, 05:49 PM

Wow...that is a long time to be in love with someone and that says something in itself!

I totally feel for u...you have to do the right thing first and get out of the abusive marriage. If he is abusive now imagine what he will be like if u go ahead and meet your ex bf behind his back and he finds out!!

Also it is very harmful for children to be in situations where someone is getting abused!

I think just reading your post I can see that you are ready to get out and good for u!!

As for the long time love you have for the other guy...I would say, get out of the situation then go for it!! Maybe he is your key to great happiness!

Kadree · 08-21-2002, 09:49 AM

Hi Guys,
A little update on my stoy. Sent an e mail to the other guy and haven't yet heard back. Waiting patiently. On the other hand my husband has decided that he wants to work things out. I have heard that so many times before and I can't even bring myself to believe it. And I'm not quite sure if I want to. I feel so empty inside when I think about our relationship and I want something more. Then I think about the kids and how much they love their daddy, and my house and my car, everything that I have worked so hard to achieve and it is a very scary feeling to know that I will have to give all of that up. One part of me is telling me to stay where I feel most comfortable and another part is telling me to go for it, that this is the only life that I get to live. And shouldn't I try making myself happy for once instead of everybody else?

*SoccerMom* · 08-21-2002, 10:38 AM

Kadree~
I would like to give you my ideas. I am not a professional by any means and often times, I have been about at wits end in my own marriage. I just have found that marriages really are WORK sometimes. First of all though, you do NOT have to live in a abusive relationship. That is the most devastating thing...it makes you lose your self-esteem and then for some reason you will feel that you cannot do better! Know what I mean? If your husband really wants the marriage to work, insist that he seeks councelling. It is easy when things seem to be falling down around us to have that "grass is greener" feeling. I am not saying that it couldn't work with the "old flame" but I think to give your marriage 100% you need to put that out of your mind for now. I used to look around me and think that all my friends had these perfect storybook marriages but then I discovered the truth. We all have to work on marriage issues (being open with each other, showing love and affection, TRUST!!,telling truth..even when it is painful, and resolving issues) Don't know if we ever really perfect those things but it sure makes your marriage easier when you are willing to try.
Take your time with that "old flame" issue.Sometimes what we think is there is only because we so desperately want to feel that way again....

Just take care of yourself and those children. Remember that YOU deserve to be happy

**Sorry it is so long...I cannot figure how everyone else can have these marvelous answers in a few lines.

I cannot get my point across like that