This is going to take a while to explain,so please, bear with me.
From the time I was in grade 3 I had this huge crush on this boy that was four years older than me. Throughout the years we dated on and off. We had other relationships but we always seemed to find each other again. I had other boyfriends, but the minute that I knew that he was back in town that was it for me. No one else existed when we were together. Eventually he moved further away and wouldn't exactly give me the commitment that I was looking for. A while later I moved in with a guy who later became my husband. I had a business trip to the city where he lived (before I was married) and ended up staying at his place. Although nothing happened, we sat up talking and catching up I miss the feeling that I had with him. He wanted me to move to the city that he lived in and promised me a wonderful life. I think that I was very afraid to do this because he wouldn't commit before that. So instead I came home and got married and now I have two children. I haven't stopped thinking about him or dreaming about him. Now my marriage is falling apart, my husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive. I am thinking about this other guy constantly. My question is this: does this sound like something that was meant to be, and my body is finally letting me feel again. wanting me to know what love really feels like? Or am I dreaming- you know-the grass is greener on the other side? By the way this other guy is not married and has never married. Please give me some advice. Inside I feel like a lovesick teenager again and I don't even know if this other guy will talk to me.
Well, I think there's two parts to your story. First, if your husband is abusive to you, get yourself and your children out of that house! If it's temporary stress, perhaps you could stay at your family's or a friend's house for a while. If it's been going on/will go on forever, get your family's help or someone from the outside, but you shouldn't have to go through that and neither should your children.
The second part then, is this guy. I think there's nothing lost by calling him up and spending some time together, even as friends. If the feelings between you will be mutual, it might be the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. On the other hand, don't run to him because you're having problems with your present husband. Also, decide what you and your husband are doing - are you going to try to work through your problems? Are you going your separate ways?
Basically, when you're clear on what you want for yourself and your children and you're in a stable situation, then go pursue this guy! That's what I think.
Wow...that is a long time to be in love with someone and that says something in itself!
I totally feel for u...you have to do the right thing first and get out of the abusive marriage. If he is abusive now imagine what he will be like if u go ahead and meet your ex bf behind his back and he finds out!!
Also it is very harmful for children to be in situations where someone is getting abused!
I think just reading your post I can see that you are ready to get out and good for u!!
As for the long time love you have for the other guy...I would say, get out of the situation then go for it!! Maybe he is your key to great happiness!
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
A little update on my stoy. Sent an e mail to the other guy and haven't yet heard back. Waiting patiently. On the other hand my husband has decided that he wants to work things out. I have heard that so many times before and I can't even bring myself to believe it. And I'm not quite sure if I want to. I feel so empty inside when I think about our relationship and I want something more. Then I think about the kids and how much they love their daddy, and my house and my car, everything that I have worked so hard to achieve and it is a very scary feeling to know that I will have to give all of that up. One part of me is telling me to stay where I feel most comfortable and another part is telling me to go for it, that this is the only life that I get to live. And shouldn't I try making myself happy for once instead of everybody else?
I would like to give you my ideas. I am not a professional by any means and often times, I have been about at wits end in my own marriage. I just have found that marriages really are WORK sometimes. First of all though, you do NOT have to live in a abusive relationship. That is the most devastating thing...it makes you lose your self-esteem and then for some reason you will feel that you cannot do better! Know what I mean? If your husband really wants the marriage to work, insist that he seeks councelling. It is easy when things seem to be falling down around us to have that "grass is greener" feeling. I am not saying that it couldn't work with the "old flame" but I think to give your marriage 100% you need to put that out of your mind for now. I used to look around me and think that all my friends had these perfect storybook marriages but then I discovered the truth. We all have to work on marriage issues (being open with each other, showing love and affection, TRUST!!,telling truth..even when it is painful, and resolving issues) Don't know if we ever really perfect those things but it sure makes your marriage easier when you are willing to try.
Take your time with that "old flame" issue.Sometimes what we think is there is only because we so desperately want to feel that way again.... Just take care of yourself and those children. Remember that YOU deserve to be happy
Thak you so much for your reply. The thing for me is that I want so desperately to be in love again. I want those old feelings back, and you are probably right, I want so desperately for the "old flame" to have the same feelings that he did then. I don't even know if that is possible anymore. I just want to be needed and loved and I feel like I am not getting that at home and it has just been way too long. I 've tried a million times to get my husband to go to counselling with me and he refuses. I just need a little time to figure out where I am suppose to go from here.
Talk to you soon
If this might be the love of your life, why is he not responding to your email? How long has it been since you sent it? I think if he was afraid of committment then, he probably still is considering he is not married yet..maybe somethings about a person don't change. But I think that if you feel so strongly about this guy then try to get intouch with him and try not to romantacise it and stay grounded with him - that way you may come to an answer.
girl, i know so much how you feel. my husband and i struggle with those same ("i want things back like they were!") feelings. i didn't know for a long time that he felt the same way. i have 3 children and it is so easy to get stuck in the "mommy" role too. i just sort of forgot what it was like to be the "HOT WIFE"
i had posted before about how we all speak different "love languages". my husband and i became where we didn't even understand what we were saying to each other. i talked about the stress and pressures of being with the children (messy house, laundry piles, homework!!) but he thought i was upset with him for not helping. i just wanted him to listen! ya' know? it was really hard. on the other hand, he worried about money and thought he wasn't able to provide for us like he should...it was hard to make him understand that i was HAPPY and we have a nice home, cars and etc but that wasn't the issue.i thought he wanted me to go back to work where we could be making a lot more money. it just caused (and sometimes still does) havoc on our relationship.
you mentioned verbal abuse and i DO NOT want you to take this wrong. maybe that is the way that he reacts to his stress...i dunno!? just a thought, but it doesn't excuse his behavior---he needs to come to grips with that before you can work on the other stuff.
[This message has been edited by *SoccerMom* (edited 08-21-2002).]
hi,...this is my first post,..but after reading yours,..i have tosay im in the SAME situation. I have been married for 3 years (im 28),..have this amazing little girl,..but i am SO unhappy in my marriage! mu husband works SO much i never see him,..sure we have a beautiful house,..cars,..and yes i am able to stay home with my daughter,..but him and i have NOTHING together,..we dont even speak to each other anymore. I stya because of the thought of being a single mom having to work full time and stick my daughter in day care makes absolutley sick to my stomach,..so instead i just stay,...i guess i am just numb to the situation. Anyways,..sorry i didnt help much,...just thought it would be nice for you to know that there are others out there that feel the same as you do!! thanks for listening!!!!!!!
Hey Girls, (Maybelle, Soccermom and Proudmom)
There is a lot of stress at our house. The number one strain for me is something that I didn't mention before. My husband has an addiction to gambling. He is good for a while and then bang! out of the blue we have lost $1000 in an hour. My husband and I both work full time, but the money is still tight with a house, and vehicles, and all the other little things.
He has cried and said that he's sorry ( a number of times) and begged me to stay. So I stay. But I feel that instead of having two kids, I have three. He has no access to our money and I always have to know where he is going. I wanted my marriage to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. He albsolutely refuses to go to councelling, saying that he can "do it himself" when time and time again he has proven otherwise. I feel so betrayed and have no trust for him and I wonder if I will always feel this way. Or is it a sign when he refuses to get councilling for his addiction and for our marriage?
The other guy still has not responded to my e mail, don't know if he is on holidays or what. My message was very harmless, just a few lines telling him that I was wondering how he was doing and what he had been up to.
Anyways girls, there is the new little twist to my story. I need your input.
Talk to you soon
I think that his gambling issues explains a lot too. I really think that you should seek some sort of help on how to deal with approaching him about his addiction (gambler's anon. or something). I have a friend who was dealing with her hubby's gambling addiction. The thing with her was that she thought he was having an affair-- lots of unexplained bank withdrawls, unexplained time away, secretive phone calls, and finally, he started withdrawling from her. He slept in separate room and all! She finally found out when their house was about to be foreclosed due to nonpayment! They have had a tough 2 years but she is so fortunate to have her husband back. She sought help first...they also separated when she first found out! She was so hurt and angry! He went to counselling when he realized he was about to lose everything! NOT just material things, but his family too. She told me that a lot of gamblers don't even realize it when they lose it all.....it is "simply" the control of the addiction. Check around, and I hope you can find some added support for you and the kids.
I just realized that I had responded to another one of your posts under "parenting issues"!....parents, my post there is begging for some HELP!!
[This message has been edited by *SoccerMom* (edited 08-22-2002).]
Thanks for responding so quickly. It is definitely hard for me to understand the addiction to gambling, because it isn't a problem for me. It's just a stupid machine and the odds are always stacked against you. I guess I can't really talk because I am a smoker, but at least with that you have an excuse, your body craves the nicotine. Where is the addictive substance with the VLT's, your ears need to hear the little bells sounding when you win some money? I just don't get it. I have posts all over this forum, especially in the anxiety and stress section. I've just got a lot on my plate right now, and one problem is just leading to another.
Trying to stay sane, it takes a lot of energy.
I think just like your body craves the nicotine, his is addicted to gambling...the high feeling or whatever.
I have posts everywhere too I am new so sometimes I don't think I understand what I am doing...I just post where I feel I may get some answers and reply when I feel like I can help or suggest...and I think some aren't too impressed by my lengthy posts. Sorry! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif
Good Morning Soccermom,
I have just been at the parenting post and I hope that you didn't take offence when I said don't "get in your son's face" I just remember when I was a teenager and my parents were always yelling about an inch from my face, and they made me feel more like I couldn't do it, instead of the opposite.
Positive reinforcement is the way to go.
Anyways, I guess I have nothing to add about my husband at this time, just that I find myself pushing him away and I know that he notices this also. I can't help it. It is just a natural defence now I guess to keep myself from getting hurt.
And Soccermom, don't feel bad at all for your long posts, that to me just shows that you are taking the time to sit down and take the time to offer me and the others your help.