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Old 09-02-2002, 04:20 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 82
hulagirl HB User
Angry Perv Father Inlaw--Please help

I'm in love with a wonderfull man, however his step-father is a perv.
One day we went to his grandmothers home for dinner. His grandma, his mother and his step-dad and I were in the kitchen helping to prepare. My love was in the livingroom with our child playing. His step dad was trying to get the fan above the dinning room table to work. I said jokingly,"you have to be smarter then the switch". His step father smacked me on the butt! I was in such shock I could say nothing. I also noticed no one else said anything including his wife, "my mans mother". I kinda played it off...and waited about a week to mention the incident to my man,"I didn't know what to say". I told him what happened and that I didn't expect him to say anything, but I didn't want to be around him anymore because he made me uncomfortable. He agreed and was shocked aswell...we ended the talk. This happened about a month ago.
Yesturday His mother and His step-dad came over to bring us some things they had bought us while on vacation.
His mother through a sack at me and said I hope you like it, you have to go model it for us. I opened the bag and it was a skimppy shirt with ties across the boobs. His mother said now go model it for us, his step dad chimmed in and said something about a pole, a stage and flashing lights! "Like a stripper". My man was right there and so was his mother---they said nothing!!!! Im not sure if this is something they are used too. Im not!!! I now don't know what to say to my man, because he witnessed this and did nothing.... Please help......... HuLa

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Old 09-02-2002, 08:05 PM   #2
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 354
Greenberry HB User

One thing--he is not your father-in-law, or stepfather-in-law, if you are not married (and since you never refer to your "husband," I assume that you are not married.)

That being said, I think their behavior is entirely inappropriate. And, since your significant other knows about everything and has said/done nothing, he apparently has no problem with it, or at least is willing to tolerate it. As I see it, you have three choices if you plan to stay with this man, and none of them are very good--1. Bring this issue up to him again, which will probably do no good, and eventually he will get tired of you talking bad (as he will see it) about his family. 2. Try to address the step-father directly, which will almost certainly do no good, and will most likely put him on the defensive. 3. Say nothing and try to avoid the step-father in the future, and expect this kind of behavior. I hate to be negative (maybe I am having a bad day myself!), but these people seem strange (what is up with buying a shirt like that the for mother of one's grandchild?! And tossing it at you in a bag?). They probably won't even attempt to change their behavior even if you ask really nicely. In fact, they sound somewhat immature, and as such, if they find it out it ticks you off, they may escalate. If your boyfriend is willing to tolerate it, there is very little you can do about it. Maybe there is some hope if you can get your boyfriend on board with you, but if he has sat idly by up until this point, it doesn't look too good.

One more thing that you CAN control to some extent, never, ever leave your child alone with these people(i.e., without YOU being present)!!!! EVER!

Old 09-02-2002, 08:10 PM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: texas
Posts: 5
cornfusedgirlie HB User

Hula, maybe your man (boyfriend?) didn't say anything because he was in shock too. Why don't you just ask him what he thought about the incident because it made you feel uncomfortable. It sounds to me the mother isn't any better if she was the one who started telling you to model the shirt in the first place. Next time something like this happens, why don't you just say "I wish you wouldn't do/say things like that, it makes me very uncomfortable." This may not even seem like a big deal to them and if you mention it maybe they will stop. Maybe your man could just say something to them.

Old 09-02-2002, 10:35 PM   #4
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 82
hulagirl HB User

Thank you very much on giving me ideas on how to handle this very weird situation...
Greenberry OMG!!!!
I always try to listen to my instincts and I feel so much better now that you have also noticed and feel the same as I do, that I should never leave my son with them. His step dad gives me the heebe-geebes and there is just something about him I do not like. I have felt this way even before these incidents happened. I feel he may try something sexual if I did allow my son to be watched by them. Seeing that his wife doesn't put her foot down bothers me and tells me she would let it happen and say nothing. I did allow them to watch my son one time, for 3 hours in an emergency situation. I fretting the entire time I was gone and preyed to god to watch over him, I thought maybe I was worrying over nothing Im a first time mom. This was before the incidents, of course. Since these incidents have happened, I feel horrid that I allowed them to watch my son when he was only 10 months, even if it was for 3 hours. I swear if the perv harmed one hair on my childs head, he will pay. My man "not hubby yet, we are to be married" moved out at the age of 15 this also makes me wonder about the step dad. His mom and his step dad were only married 2 years when he moved out. His sister also moved out at a young age. He told me, him and his step dad didn't get along, but didn't elaborate(sp) on the situation.
I think this situation is very weird for both of us. What am I supposed to say to them, what is he supposed to say to them? "Hey mom tell your hubby to stop flirting with my girlfriend" or maybe I could talk him into having a MAN talk with his step dad. No matter what the situation is going to be weird! But I refuse to let it go on. He has never acted this way toward other girlfriends my man has had? What am I going to say when they, "his mom and step dad," offer to watch our son? Sorry I think your step dad is a petafile?
I know when you marry a man, your marry-ing him not his family or we would all be in trouble! But still.. what the hell is wrong with people now days!!! I know I have nothing to worry about where my man is concerned with our child. I have never gotten that icky feeling and he loves him and takes the noraml man interest where baths and changing diapers are concerned.. which is usually here honey he needs a change lol. My mother brought me up and she brought me up not to put up with crap, so there is no way I can turn my head and ignore this..besides it will eventually be brought out into the open. Im not one for patience though, especially when it comes to adults.
HuLa P.S. my boyfriend wasn't in the room for the first incident but he was on the second. Also he asked his mother to pick me up something sexy and bikerish from sturgis when he found out they were going. His step dad also says and does these things in a joking way, Im guessing so when it is brought up we will get the "he was joking and ment no harm speal"....

[This message has been edited by hulagirl (edited 09-03-2002).]

Old 09-03-2002, 05:55 AM   #5
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 354
Greenberry HB User

Hula, I am sorry if I sounded a little ill last night when I posted my response! I am pregnant and very sick right now, and having been pregnant yourself, you probably know how I feel! I'm glad you took it pretty well.

My main point is that I doubt that these people will change for the better at this point in their lives; the best thing is to avoid them as much as possible, especially his step-dad. I too find it terribly annoying to be around people who make sexual comments and jokes, especially in family-type situations and around their children, even if those children are adults. I have also found that most people will not change such immature behavior as this, and sometimes will even end up holding it against YOU because you brought it up. Of course, it's worth a try, and you should address it somehow, preferably through your boyfriend, but if he is not willing to address it, you might just have to put up with it to prevent an all-out family war with him in the middle.

And I have to disagree with you on one point--when you marry, you ARE marrying your spouse's entire family, at least to the extent that your spouse allows them to intrude into your lives. He really needs to put his foot down with them NOW, and hopefully he will. Do you mind my asking how old you both are? If you are young (and you seem to be to me!) he may find it easier as he gets older to draw the line with them. It also may help if you remind him that you and your child are now his main family (especially after you get married), and that his first obligation is to you and your child. Good luck to you, and sorry for the generally negative attitude of my previous post!

Old 09-04-2002, 11:17 AM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 82
hulagirl HB User

I am 24 and he is 21 years of age. My son will be 1 year on september 11th.
I figure I will talk to him today and tell him how I feel about it. If my man is to say something, I will have him wait til his step dad does this again that way he can catch him right as he does it and say he doesn't like it. I will avoid his step father and since Im never around him alone, the next time he makes a comment I will put him on the spot infront of everyone and let him know his comments are not wanted in a nice but firm way. Anyone that is'nt a freak could see that this is not normal and very odd.

Old 09-05-2002, 06:46 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: England
Posts: 2,987
niecsey HB Userniecsey HB User

Yuck.......... id bring him right down with a sarcastic comment honest l would, i feel sick for you avoid him when ever you can, ignore him he might take the hint

Old 09-05-2002, 12:06 PM   #8
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Atlanta, GA , US
Posts: 310
scbagrrrl HB User

I agree with what's been said before. If this man won't respect you/your feelings/his child's mother enough to grow a spine and stand up for you, then you have to take action on your own. I would make it clear that he is not welcome to your home and you will bow out of any family get-togethers until you've made a point. The T-shirt was WAAAAY out of line and to think that his mother condoned it. It is your bf's responsibility to address the situation with him. If he doesn't, then you need to reconsider the situation.

Old 09-05-2002, 12:21 PM   #9
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Calgary, Canada
Posts: 223
MelNor HB User

Wow...I just wanns say...THEY ARE SICK!!!!!!!

If my father in law talked like this I would flat out tell him "your really not impressing me and I'd rather you keep your inappropriate comments to yourself please!"

That would be my first attempt and if I had to do it a second time it wouldn't be so nice!

I can't believe your bf is not offended by this, but maybe things like that have been talked about around him since he was a very young age and he doesn't realize some people might take offence. Does this mean he wouldn't have any problem talking to your son's girlfriends like this when he is 16?? I hope not... but something to think about if he thinks it not that bad now!

I'd try getting through to him that this is not normal! I wish you best luck and happiness!!

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Old 09-06-2002, 09:37 AM   #10
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 82
hulagirl HB User

You have to remember this is his step-dad not real father he has never called him dad or bought a fathers day card or anything. This is his mothers hubby.
I asked him why he said nothing the other day when this happened and that I felt since it's his family he should, It makes me uncomfortable.
He told me that he has never seen him act like this before and that he was absolutely humiliated. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't believe that his mother said nothing. He said he has lost respect for his mothers hubby and is losing respct for his mother for tolerating it. Apparently he talked to his mother and was not nice about it. He told her to say something to him about his behavior and that if she didn't he would and it would get ugly. He also said he was sorry to me, many times. He said he should have said something to him right then and there. He said he will next time.....A little relieved HuLa

Old 09-06-2002, 12:29 PM   #11
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 354
Greenberry HB User

Great job! The situation sounds better all the time! Thanks for the update--I have been wondering how it was going...

Old 09-07-2002, 09:21 AM   #12
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: olympia WA USA
Posts: 229
gracieathome HB User

This is not your boyfriends place to step in. You are a grown woman old enough to say. "please dont touch me" or "your behavior is not acceptable in my presence" or "thanks for the shirt, but it really is more racy than I feel comfortable with" etc. etc.
You have the right to speak your own mind. Please dont get comfortable in your life having a man stand up for you. Stand up for yourself and people will respect you more for it. Good luck with these folks, they sound very weird.

BTW....if your boyfriend is not forthcoming with you, and doesn't value your feelings, and is not willing to back you up when you do finally speak up, you may want to re-consider the relationship. Just a thought.

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