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Old 08-11-2002, 05:03 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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dolphinz HB User
Exclamation My husband doesn't understand me anymore! PLEASE HELP!!!

Hello,
I am hoping that someone can understand what I am going through. I am married to what I truly believed to be my soulmate. I prayed for him and I honestly felt that God led him to me. May sound corny, but it is TRUE! The problem is that we no longer know how to talk to each other. We used to laugh and have so much fun and now it is like we are strangers. Our sex life is on again and off again and I feel like he doesn't even know I am around....seems that in most problemed marriages, most men still are attracted to their wives sexually and I don't know if that is what is wrong or not. Our marriage has had it's share of troubles but I still feel so fortunate to have him. I know he was meant for me and I know the person he could be.He is a hard worker and provider. The only thing is that he isn't at all the man that I married. He is rarely at home and when he is, he acts like he doesn't want to be there. We used to talk for hours and hours and NOW I just change the subject because I know it will start another fight. I feel like I have to live on eggshells so we don't have to fight all the time. We have 3 children and I know that I am not the perfect wife. The house isn't always clean, there is an endless pile of laundry and there isn't always the best supper cooked but I think that I am doing the best that I can. I know my looks have changed, gained weight and often have a ponytail because it is so CONSUMING with my small children. I just don't know what else to do. I used to feel so loved and respected and now I only feel hurt, neglected and just plain out fat and ugly. I guess when we had those "dreamy future talks" all those years ago, I truly expected to be happy like I was back then. When he told me all those plans (picket fences, adorable family vacations and spectacular impulsive romantic getaways) I believed it. I know that plans changed when the reality set in but sometimes it is nice to know that you are loved. I stay at home with the children while he works. I also watch children afterschool to help out financially. It isn't a whole lot compared to what he makes or what I used to make but my children have always been my first priority and I will do whatever it takes to be able to stay at home with them. Our children are grown before you know it and I want to be the one helping with homework, giving them THE talks, listening to their stories, watching them play all the sports and etc. That was an issue that we talked about before we married and he was well aware of how I felt about it. I would rather sacrifice by having a cheaper home or used cars to do it. But, we just argue so much! Over every single thing...when you think about it, they are STUPID things! I am to the point now that I don't even want him to talk to me because I am sick of fighting. Each time we try to talk, it ends up in a bigger fight and it is never settled. He always brings up every mistake I have ever made! I want to be happy and not have to be on edge all the time. I really feel like it is cheating my kids out of the happy and fun person I can be because I am so CONSUMED with trying to please him and trying to make him happy---someone please help! My marriage cannot take much more of this. I am so tired of fighting and worrying about harsh words or insults.

 
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Old 08-12-2002, 11:24 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Britain
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nicola76 HB User
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Dolphinz,

I know that with 3 small children to look after this may be difficult to arrange, but have you thought about marriage counselling? Maybe with a counselor in the room to act as mediator you and your husband could really talk and get to the root of your troubles without an arguement starting. There are out-reach programs available if insurance is a problem.
This may sound bad (and please don't take this the wrong way) but are you sure your husband isn't having an affair? I only ask because of your comment stating that "he's rarely around and when he is he acts like he doesn't want to be there". I've been cheated on before so I always have to ask.
Well I hope I've helped a bit and that things get better for you soon.
Take care!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif Nic

 
Old 08-20-2002, 06:58 PM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: AR
Posts: 41
snoops1977 HB User
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Hello Dolph,
You said that you know the person that he could be?? What exactly do you mean by that? Another thing to me is how old is he? Sometimes men go through these phases to where they feel just as old, fat and ugly as we do! Also is it his job that keeps him from home? It sounds like ya'll have a few issues going on. Another thing, Please do not take this the wrong way because I have kids of my own and I know it is not easy, but sounds like it's always the kids??? Do ya'll ever take time just for you 2? Is there family to help out with sitting them or anyone else?? Sounds like your marriage is on the rocks and I'm really feeling for you my husband and I seperated for 8 months because we were both on a different level. He of course realized his wrongs and I already knew mine and was in the process of changing them when he couldn't do his part and thats why we seperated. We now communicate pretty well and are doing much better. Please let us know how things are going !!!
Good Luck and God Bless!!
__________________
Snoops!

 
Old 08-30-2002, 02:56 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Detroit,Mi,US
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MzRed HB User
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Wow I can relate to this SO MUCH! Ok so I am not married to a man or whatever but I am in a relationship in which we consider to be married although we can not actually legally get married.
My mate and I are having the same kind of issues right now our sex life is good one min. and almost non excistent the next.So honey I feel you,I can really feel your pain.It is so devestating to feel unappreciated and it makes you sometimes rack your brain it does.Maybe you should stop racking your brain and focus on you and your children, is he spending time with them? If he's not well someone should be, maybe if you pick up some self improvement reguardless
of what it might be.That is what I am going to try personally maybe if he sees you don't NEED him to make you FEEL good about YOURSELF he will feel as if he needs to make you come back to him.
It is 2002 honey it is time for us women to stop worring about the MAN helpin us to make us feel loved their are ways to do it yourself!Talk to him before you go on the Survior Woman Stampede if talking doesnt work DO IT!

 
Old 08-30-2002, 06:22 PM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Gary, IN U.S.A.
Posts: 26
Twooda HB User
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Quote:
Originally posted by nicola76:
Dolphinz,

I know that with 3 small children to look after this may be difficult to arrange, but have you thought about marriage counselling? Maybe with a counselor in the room to act as mediator you and your husband could really talk and get to the root of your troubles without an arguement starting. There are out-reach programs available if insurance is a problem.
This may sound bad (and please don't take this the wrong way) but are you sure your husband isn't having an affair? I only ask because of your comment stating that "he's rarely around and when he is he acts like he doesn't want to be there". I've been cheated on before so I always have to ask.
Well I hope I've helped a bit and that things get better for you soon.
Take care!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif Nic
Hey, Lady!
I know somewhat how you feel. I know it is very frustrating. For me I describe the way I felt a little differently though. I felt like I understood why people cheat and divorce. I never truly ever wanted to go that route, though. Do you think he's envious of the kids? i once heard that your kids do not come first and I was confused. Yet when it was explained , I then understood. He said that if your marriage came first, then your marriage comes FIRST. Your kids learn by example. Mind you I'm not directly speaking about your situation because I don't know everything. If the kids see that being married is all about taking care of kids, who truly would want to get married? If a person is use to being number one in your life and all of a sudden they're not, they may act out in a way that is unpleasant. A mother is different with kids than some dads. Mother want to protect while daddy wants to show how to protect. Kids need to see a nurturing relationship, not one of two strangers. Some people tend to think that if a person is married for years and years that they are happy. That's not always the case. Some do it becuase they don't fell like divorce. Or they don't think they can't do any better. You're right your kids will suffer because of the iceberg in the house. I'm not saying forget about your kids. Yet, when was the last time either suggested to do something together? When was the last time either one of you just walked up to each other and hugged? He may be too stubborn to make the first step, so it's up to you. That way if things still go the wrong way, you will be able to say I truly tried. Believe me, I wouldn't suggest making your kids less of a priority, but let them see as well there is someone just as important in the home. Pray for that man! PRAYYYYY!While sitting around with him, just ask him, how was your day? If he grumbles, I don't want to talk about, just say, welll, I just thought I'd ask. Hope you have a better one tomorrow. Pamper yourself. Let him know you are still the stuff(desirable, LOL). You never know how he percieves you right now. You do your best to et it be a good. Don't break your neck or bend over backwards, but give a little. I hope I helped a little. God Bless You !
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T-Wooda

 
Old 08-31-2002, 01:23 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Tulsa OK USA
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bev52 HB User
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Hi dolphinz, and welcome
As I was reading your story, it made me think of a cousin of mine and her situation.
She said that when she and her husband got married they had sooo much fun. They did things together, wonderful conversations,planned and dreamed of things for their future and laughed alot. This was during the years their children were relatively young. The older the boys got, (as this sometimes happens), the oldest starting getting a bit of a wild streak. She and her husband would try and deal with this and sometimes disagree as to how the matter should be handled. Many times she had a tendency to take her sons side. This made 'Dad' feel that she was siding with the son. Over the years, it took it's toll. She, without thinking, would say things like 'her childrens happiness meant more to her than anything else in this world.' Her husband started to feel 'second fiddle.' Today, they hardly speak. . and if they do, it's in harsh tones and they never laugh, constantly disagree on most everything.
I'm not trying to fit you into her 'mold,' I'm just thinking that this might be some food for thought. I am in no way blaming you for the problems. I believe women have a very nurturing way about them and sometimes this can be perceived by the husband as a wife 'taking sides,' and feeling that he's on the back burner, instead of where he used to feel 'front burner.'
I pray that there might be some tiny tidbit of info here that could help.
God Speed,
Bev

 
Old 09-02-2002, 10:07 AM   #7
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 166
magee HB User
Post

Bev and Twooda made some really good points. One day the kids will be grown up and out of the house, and if the focus has always been on them, what will you and your husband have left for each other after they're gone?
I would also explore the possibility that he may be having an affair.

 
Old 09-07-2002, 09:36 AM   #8
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: olympia WA USA
Posts: 229
gracieathome HB User
Post

Please dont take this the wrong way but I have seen many mariages fail because of this. If it is not your case ignore me, but if it has a grain of truth at least think about it.
I have seen many of my friends while they are dating doing thier hair, wearing a bit of makeup and cologne, and taking care with thier bodies. Usually within a couple of years after marriage they get comfortable and start letting themselves go. No makeup, hair a mess, gaining weight, not giving it thier best effort in the bedroom etc. Pretty soon one of two things start to happen. Either the man A. Becomes withdrawn and unhappy or B. starts looking at other women more (and possibly cheats) or both.

Having children takes its toll, but anyone can watch what they eat, get a little excersise and take some pride in thier appearance. Dont feel like sex? Fake it, we all have its not hard and it makes him happy. Put a smile on your face when he gets home and ask him about his day, dont gripe (the kids this, the kids that)

Ask him what has been bothering him. If he says nothing he is lying, but dont push (men hate that) just take the steps mentioned above and unless it is too late, he should come around.

Good luck.

 
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