I have been married for 2 years to a wonderful man whom I truly adore. However, we have hit a road block in this journey we call marriage.
This man has DEMANDED that I produce his child by the end of next year. I am not ready for kids! I want some more time ALONE with my husband. He will be 31 in January and he tells me that he is not going to be 50 years old at a high school graduation. I've mentioned pregnancy before to him, but I was just joking and I told him that. He is hurt by the fact that I am not ready and I feel bad about that. He is adamant about getting pregnant and I am adamant about NOT getting pregnant. I nor he can help his age and what does it matter that he is 50 at a high school graduation???
I must admit that I still "hang out" with my girlfriends and he has made a comment that a baby would keep my *behind* at home more often. When I told my girlfriends about this they all said, surprisingly to me, "Girl, you better give that man a baby."
I want nothing more than to make my man happy, but what about me? I love kids and I want to have them, just not any time soon. I want to see more of the world with him and still be able to be young and do things children-free. Am I being selfish?
How old are you? If you are 30ish, you might want to go ahead and have a baby, if you think you will ever want one. I don't mean to be alarmist, but a woman's fertility can drop off drastically, starting at age 27, and if you wait, you might find that you have problems conceiving.
Didn't you cover this issue with your husband before you got married? Before we married, my husband and I agreed that we would wait at least five years before having a child, but that we definitely wanted at least 2 and no more than 4. We had our first two years ago when I was 28 and he was 33, and our second will be born in April when I am 31 and he is 36. If I had known about the fertility information that is just coming out, I probably would started having children sooner.
The bottom line, however, is that if either one of you doesn't want to have a child, then the answer is no. A child is such a big commitment that it takes both parents being on board in order to get the best results (in general).
I am 27. Yes, while in marriage counseling we discussed having children but we didn't say we would do it after a certain amount of time (maybe we should have). I am aware of possible fertility problems when a woman gets closer to 30. But, honestly, I am not at all worried about that.
I am pretty adamant about this, even going as far as withholding sex to make sure I didn't get pregnant. I know it's crazy, but I did it.
It needs to be a joint venture, meaning that you both have to be at the same place in your life to make such a huge life changing committment. I mean it could cause problems if you do it, just becasue he wants you to. You need to really have a heart to heart on it and maybe even do up a list as to the pros and cons of having a child at this point in your lives. Can you afford it, have you had enough alone time together, how many children do you want and etc. Sometimes too, don't wait too long, as when you do want them, you may find out one of you can't make that happen or whatever. It's a tough situation to be....I feel for you. But I don't agree with just having a baby because he wants one when you are obviously not ready...you are not being selfish. However, you do need to come up with a date that may work better for you, as to compromise with him and work as a loving team. That should be one of the most exciting and loving experiences/ventures ever as a married couple. Good luck.
I agree with the title of your posting. Selfish yes! Your husband that is. Granted, you guys should have ironed things out a little more solidly prior to making the committment because this isn't exactly a small issue. If he's being such a ____ now, what's to happen with the next demand? Is he going to beat his chest, slam his club on the floor and pull you by the hair to make him dinner? (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little!) Bottomline is that you clearly need to work through some things - especially before even thinking of producing a tricycle motor.
I would get my butt on birth control because the last thing I want to do is bring a child into a family where things are not peachy keen. I'd definitely give your relationship more time to be stable. I think it's cruddy that you might have to resort to hiding the fact you're on bcp, but there are things that need to be addressed first.
Maybe it's time for another visit to a counselor to put things in perspective.
[This message has been edited by scbagrrrl (edited 09-12-2002).]