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Old 09-16-2002, 09:39 AM   #1
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Unhappy He's married...Please read!

I met this guy 2 yrs ago. At that time, he was single and so was I but we were both still getting over the last relationship. We managed to get to know each other REALLY well and I started to fall in love with him, but, strangely, we never got to the point of being in a "real" relationship.

A TWIST in this whole situation came when he decided to get engaged to his EX about 6 months after we met! There was no good reason why he did this. I loved this guy and he told me that he loved me, too. So, as you can probably imagine, I was extremely hurt.

Now, he has only been married for 6 months and he is trying to get a divorce because he claims that his heart is with me and he didn't realize that before he got married. He even called me from his honeymoon to tell me that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he wished I was there and he has to make it *right* with me. He thinks I am a GREAT mother and he says that he wants me to have his children.

After he gets a divorce, he says that he wants us to get married. To be honest, I have considerd this. I think what is driving me to be with him is his and my daughter's great relationship and I know that he would be a good father.

Any thoughts?

 
Old 09-16-2002, 10:44 AM   #2
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My only advice is not to rush into anything too soon with him. It seems like he may be confused right now. I know it's hard when you care for someone so much, but you may need to give him some time to sort it all out (i.e. his divorce, feelings for your, his ex., etc...). If it were me, I would also find out more about what drove him to marry someone else, in the first place, if he knew he had feelings for you. In a way, it's not fair to you - He was on his honeymoon with someone else and is calling you. Of course that would make anyone confused or upset. I would just try to give it all some time before getting married to him - make sure it's right.

Hope I helped a little!!
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Old 09-16-2002, 11:59 AM   #3
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It seems like since this guy was just getting over another girl when you two met, his feelings were very confused. I personally am confused as to why he married that girl in the first place. You said there was no good reason why he did this. Is that also what he thinks? He must have had some reason. Do you think maybe he felt pressure from the other girl? Still, why would someone get married in what seems like such a rush?

Maybe once the divorce is final you can develop a better relationship with the guy. I don't see any reason for him to rush into another marriage. Why not date and see how things go first? If he's really right for you things will work out. If you do decide to marry him, hopefully you'll have a long engagement so you have plenty of time to see how things go before you really tie the knot. It's great that his and your daughters get a long so well, but just be sure to find out what he was thinking when he married that other woman.

 
Old 09-16-2002, 12:12 PM   #4
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He told me that he was under a lot of pressure from their mutual friends and church family to get married. But, I don't know. He was engaged to this girl for over a year so he had ample time to get out of it.

I agree that it's not fair to me because he basically has had his cake and ate it too and I have often thought about not being with him because I know that there is possibly someone else out there for me. But that's a big risk to take, especially since I know that my daughter LOVES him to death and he would be a good father. I am just not sure if he is the ONE for ME. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif He wants us to get married right away because he wants a child. He's a little older than me so he says that his time is running out to have kids. Also, he doesn't have any kids. I meant the relationship between him and my daughter is great, so he is very excited about having a son. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif

[This message has been edited by PAISLEY (edited 09-16-2002).]

 
Old 09-16-2002, 12:35 PM   #5
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Sorry to be negative here, but I would run like heck from this guy. He sounds really unreliable. If he succumbed to pressure to marry someone he really didn't love, then what might happen the next time someone pressures him to do something?

At the VERY least, you should date (from a distance--i.e., not living with him or having sex with him-gasp!-)him for at least two years before you even think about getting married to him. What if he changes his mind and decides that he really did love his wife? He's already pulled that stunt once before, so you can't say it is totally impossible that it will happen again. Just my advice... By the way, how old is everyone involved?

 
Old 09-16-2002, 01:38 PM   #6
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I'm 27. He's 34.

 
Old 09-16-2002, 02:01 PM   #7
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Do you see anything wrong with waiting (a year or however long) before making a huge decision like marriage? I've always heard that when you marry the right person, you just know. If you have any doubts, don't do it! I don't know much about fertility with men or when it starts to decrease, but would him waiting even just a year really make a difference in whether or not he could have kids? I hope he isn't using that to pressure you. Good luck. Just take your time. Don't rush! There's no reason for you to give him any immediate answers.

 
Old 09-16-2002, 02:06 PM   #8
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He is way too old to be succumbing to pressure from others. At 34, he should be able to stand on his own and make up his own mind. And I've been thinking, what kind of guy calls another woman while he is on his honeymoon? He didn't even respect his marriage vows enough to wait until he got home.

I personally would have NOTHING further to do with this man. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy with which to make a family. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He jumps in and out of things seemingly on a whim, and that is not good husband material. Just ask his current wife...

I would wait until someone a little more stable comes along. You owe it to your daughter to spare her any more pain in life, and to yourself. That is my advice.

And as for that line about his time running out for having children, Senator Strom Thurman fathered children in his late 70s, and the actor Anthony Quinn became a father at age 82. Men don't have biological clocks the way we women do. It sounds like he is trying to hurry you into something by giving you a guilt trip! DON'T BUY IT!!!!

 
Old 09-16-2002, 07:17 PM   #9
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Paisley. For heavens sake dear, please drop this looser. I hate to sound so cold but he has some really major problems. This guy needs help.
For the life of me I cannot figure out what he is after? If he is indeed after you why in the world did he choose such a round about way to fall in love with you? The feelings he has now he did not have back then? I just don't understand.

Right now he is his wife's problem. Please do not let him become your problem too.

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 09-17-2002, 05:02 AM   #10
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Hey, mydog8mybrain, finally something even WE can agree on! This guy seems like kind of a flake!

 
Old 09-17-2002, 08:53 PM   #11
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Hey, I can tell you one thing. If you feel like geting hurt and divorced yourself go for it. He proably would've said the same thing if he married you. He'd be calling his ex on the honeymoon wishing she was there. He doesn't know what he wants. Marriage is something serious, and if he claims he can get out of this marriage with no emotional attachments, he's going to pull the same on you.
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Old 09-18-2002, 12:42 PM   #12
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Really, who's to say that this guy is not serious! I know lots of people who got married for all the wrong reasons....what is to say this guy is not one of them.

If you want to give it a try, then go for it. I agree with the others about giving it some time though before you rush into marriage and kids.

Best wishes,
Mel
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Old 09-18-2002, 01:07 PM   #13
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He IS serious. I agree that we don't need to rush it but at the same time I can't get over the fact that he had a whole year to decide if he wanted to get married and he knew that he didn't.

During his engagement, we were still together (I don't know if I mentioned that earlier)-something that I am not proud of, but I couldn't let him go. He seemed too good to be true (in the very beginning) and I wanted to keep him. I am a single mom and I have heard SO many people say that I am going to be alone because no man wants a "ready-made" family. More than anything, I want my daughter to grow up in a loving and healthy environment. That's a scary thought that I may have to get to know somebody else all over again and build up to that level of comfort to introduce them to my daughter. And what if that doesn't work out?

 
Old 09-19-2002, 04:15 AM   #14
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Paisley,
You say people are telling you that you will be alone because no man wants a "ready-made" family. Nonsense!
Not only am I married to a man who took on the challenge of a "ready-made" family, I have had many offers from other guys who were willing to do the same.
And even if you didn't find someone else, so what? Isn't being alone better than being stuck with a man who is guaranteed to make you miserable? This guy is a flake! He's completely unpredictable. What kind of a man would date you while engaged to someone else, get married, call you from his honeymoon, and then want you back? A lying, cheating, sneaky creep who is not worthy of licking your boots, or his wife's either.
Get away from this slimeball ASAP.

 
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