It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-18-2002, 09:38 AM   #1
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 103
Kadree HB User
Post I am such an idiot!!

I am going to try and shorten this story as much as possible. I have been married for 5 years and things have not been good between my husband and I. We have two small children, and I love being a mom. Before we got married I had an on/off relationship with a guy that I absolutely adored. (see other post "don't I have a right to be happy) Well, I had a business meeting in the same city that he lived in, so I gave him a call. I had a great night, everything that I wanted to hear. How he still loved me and all that. Come home and I am so happy, because I feel that things are finally clear to me. Then he sends me an e mail saying that all he could ever offer me was friendship and that I had to face the "harsh reality" that as a single mom I would most likely never find anyone! And that he nows feels that the other night was wrong!
I have been sitting here crying. I feel like I have no idea where I belong. I feel so out of place and so alone.
I was never looking for a replacement for my husband, I am just looking for happiness and to feel truly loved and wanted. I thought that maybe 5 years ago I had made the mistake of choosing my husband over him. And now I feel myself slipping back into the anxiety and depression that gripped me for so long. I thought I had beaten it and now it seems that it is back. I feel like such an idiot!!

 
Old 09-18-2002, 12:39 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Syracuse, NY USA
Posts: 50
Phaycops HB User
Post

Oh sweetie, I think the "harsh reality" that's been made clear to you is this: You passed up this guy for your hubby because he's an insensitive jerk! I'm really sorry this happened, but look on the bright side, at least you're not with this guy who's obviously a complete clod. I mean, it sounds to me like he's toying with you, maybe because it makes him feel big. Someone who said to me even in a social context without me being a single mom that single moms have no hope for happiness would get a smack upside the head. He's obviously a misogynistic child-hater and you're better off without him. I'll go back and read your other thread, but in the meantime, maybe some couples therapy? I know, I know, but maybe it will help you get back on track in your marraige? Just a thought. Big hugs out to you! Remember, cloud, silver lining, all that stuff!

Edit: Yikes! I had no idea your husband was abusive. GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! You don't need a man to support yourself. You don't need a man to be whole, and my SO is living proof that a child raised by a single mom who escaped an abusive situation can turn out super! I am not kidding. Get out of the situation now, forget about both of them, come stay with me if you want Even MORE big hugs to you!

[This message has been edited by Phaycops (edited 09-18-2002).]

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-18-2002, 11:57 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 170
nadine HB User
Post

Hi Kadree,

It sounds like this guy really does have feelings for you... but then again- did you guys have sex when you went there to visit him? I mean if you did have sex then it becomes hard to really know if the guy has genuine feelings for you and again just has cold feet because he is "afraid" of committment- nothing you can do about that but maybe talk to him and ask him what is bothering him... BUT if you guys had sex then it could be possible that he just said what he thought you wanted to hear to get into your pants for the weekend. Did you guys have sex?? and if it is the later then I say at least you can move on with your life and not be stuck in the past.. I guess that would be the first in a series of small steps you probably need to take to get your life back in focus. I hope things work out for you.

 
Old 09-19-2002, 03:52 AM   #4
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 166
magee HB User
Post

Hi Kadree,
I have read your other posts. I know that you are miserable in your marriage. It sounds to me like you were pinning your hopes on this other guy, thinking he was going to "rescue" you from your current situation. Now he has pulled the rug out from under you.

He was wrong about the "harsh reality" that as a single mom you won't ever find anyone else. You might, you might not. But that shouldn't matter to you at this point. The "harsh reality" that you need to face is that YOU have to rescue yourself from your horrible situation.

The sooner you get out, the sooner you can claim your life back as your own. You DON'T need a man to help you do that. You need to find the strength from within yourself. When I was 29 years old, in a miserable marriage, with 2 pre-schoolers, no job, no skills, a husband who blew his whole paycheck on crack cocaine, I said to myself, "I'm going to be 30 years old soon. My life has consisted of picking up the pieces after this man. When is my life going to be about ME?" And I decided MY life was going to start right then and there.

What is to be gained from staying with your husband? You have a nice house and cars, but he blows his money on gambling, so his financial contribution can't be all that much. I don't know what the law is in Canada, but if you were in the States and you two split up, he would have to pay you child support based on his earnings. If he didn't make the payments, he'd go to jail. It sounds as though you have a job, so between what you make and the child support, you should be able to make ends meet.

What is to be sacrificed by staying with this guy? Your emotional well-being, for one thing. Your chances of being happy. Your ability to provide your children with a non-dysfunctional home to grow up in. Possibly even your own sanity.

Forget about this guy. You don't need him. He was a fantasy you had to escape from the miserable life you are living. Now the dream is over, and it's time to escape from the misery for real, by yourself. You can do it. I did it, and I had far less resources at that time than you have now. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

 
Old 09-19-2002, 12:57 PM   #5
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 103
Kadree HB User
Post

Hi you guys,
Thank you so much for your replies. You all sound wonderfully smart, and thanks for the offer to stay with you Phaycops. Although I have no idea how I'd ever get all the way down there!! Maybe some day.
When I wrote that last post, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out. A little bit has happened since then. I sent him back a message telling him how shallow he was and how I was disgusted that I had even let myself go that far.
He replied saying that he meant every word that he had said, but he let his emotions and feelings get carried away. He wants me to get out of this situation for myself first. He says that all his feelings are based on the person I was 5 years ago, last time we saw each other. He wants to have a friendship first.
Now that I sit back, this guy sounds way too smart for me! You guys are right about me wanting to be rescued, and I am going to have to save myself. He said that he can't go sneaking around because he feels that that is wrong.
And I understand that. I just wanted to be crazy again and do things spontaneously. Which I know is not the right thing to do, but for once I wanted to be the immature one.
Anyways, I have to respect his wishes, and what he wants to do. He has been very truthful with me. He said that he never meant that I would never find anyone. He was trying to say that I shouldn't have to worry about that right now, I should focus on myself and my children.

 
Old 09-19-2002, 02:39 PM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 170
nadine HB User
Post

I am so happy that this guy is not a "jerk". Sometimes guys have a sixth sense when it comes to knowing women - and they don't even know they have it. Well, keep us updated and hope this all works out for you.

 
Old 09-19-2002, 06:06 PM   #7
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 280
mydog8mybrain HB User
Post

UMMM. I think it is kind of neat that he was honest with you. Man, he could have really strung you along and then left you high and dry. Good for him.

Before you leave yer hubby......... To separate a man from his children can have eternal consequences: My boys still to this day refer to their mother with 4 letter words for trying to separate us from each other with a divorce action. She was a good mom too. I try to relate that point to them but they will have nothing of it.



------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 09-19-2002, 06:33 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Syracuse, NY USA
Posts: 50
Phaycops HB User
Post

Any new news, Kadree? I'm a little confused about the second guy's reasons for telling you all those nice things and then all those horrible things. It sounds like he's confused about what he wants. But it also sounds like what he really wants right now is for you to get out of that situation and to be safe. Maybe you can get some clear answers from him when you're not with your husband. Anyway, keep us posted! Big hugs to you and your little ones!

 
Old 09-20-2002, 08:21 AM   #9
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 103
Kadree HB User
Post

Hey guys
Not really any new news to report. I think I will just take one day at a time. My husband seems like he wants to work things out, the problem is, I have heard that a million times. I don't think that I want to anymore. I think that it is true about guys having a sixth sense, this time he is acting different. I think he can feel that there is something different about this time. Like he knows that this could really be it this time.
I'm just numb when it comes to my relationship with him anymore.

Hey mydog-thanks so much for your response. I have noticed other posts on the boards and you sound like you are a great guy. You seem to have things figured out pretty well and I admire the way that you speak of your boys. It's nice to have a male point of view.

Take care and hugs to all
Kadree

 
Old 09-20-2002, 10:53 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Syracuse, NY USA
Posts: 50
Phaycops HB User
Post

Quote:
Originally posted by mydog8mybrain:
UMMM. I think it is kind of neat that he was honest with you. Man, he could have really strung you along and then left you high and dry. Good for him.

Before you leave yer hubby......... To separate a man from his children can have eternal consequences: My boys still to this day refer to their mother with 4 letter words for trying to separate us from each other with a divorce action. She was a good mom too. I try to relate that point to them but they will have nothing of it.

Yeah, but if he's abusive towards his wife, I think the statistics show that he'll be abusive towards his kids. I'll check on that if I get a chance, though. That's I think what a lot of us are worried about. There's no court around that'll have a problem with her getting her little ones outta there if they're in danger, I think. I hope everything works out ok!

Kadree, don't listen to him when he says he wants to work things out. That's a classic abuser move: it's all about control, and when they start to lose control over the situation (i.e., spouse or children), they'll resort to any means neccessary to regain the upper hand. Get outta there. Stay with distant family, go to a shelter, just get out!

 
Old 09-21-2002, 06:57 PM   #11
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 280
mydog8mybrain HB User
Post

Hey kadree - I agree with the others. It's EASY to SAY "I want to work things out". Talk is cheap. If a guy really wants to work things out then he will do what is necessary:
1. Get into therapy or some kind of counseling (preferably with a female counselor).
2. Focus on the kiddos
3. Make you feel like the most important person in the world.
4. Listen to you, then listen some more then listen again. When he's done with all that he needs to come back and repeat No. 4 again!

Talk is cheap. Action is what matters.

I swear. It does not take a rocket scientist. I get a bunch of my buddies that come by and moan because their women want out. (usually married 20 years or so) I give them the above 4 steps. They look at me like I'm crazy or came from another planet. Them that listen to me usually wind up saving their marraiges and saving themselves about $100,000 or so. Them that don't listen usually come back in a few years and say they wish they had!

Bruce

------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 09-22-2002, 12:09 AM   #12
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 300
*SoccerMom* HB User
Post

Hi there, Kadree. Sorry that things turned out so rotten for you. I have been having trouble posting! I had been thinking about you and wondering what was going on. I was so afraid that things would turn out that way. I think that mydog sums up what I had suggested in my other post...in a lot less confusing and less lengthy manner!
I know how in a marriage things can seem to be falling down around us and we have that feeling of wanting to live wreckless like we did as teenagers...OH MAN! But the realities are that marriages are work. I think that you need to work on making yourself happy and I hope that your husband can work on the addiction and the abuse issues. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time....it can hurt so much to feel alone and unloved. But remember that you are special! TAKE CARE of yourself (and I say to ignore the "old flame"---sounds like he is still playing the same games with you. YOU CAN DO BETTER!)

 
Old 09-24-2002, 08:58 AM   #13
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 103
Kadree HB User
Post

Hi guys
Soccermom- great to hear from you! I was wondering where you were.
My husband and I had a major blowout on Sunday night, and I told him that I wanted him to leave. He began screaming that he wasn't going to kiss my *** anymore or play my games, that he was going to take my kids away, blah,blah,blah. So, he said 'fine" that he would leave. Then he comes back in 5 minutes later and tells me how he is so sorry, that he will do anything, go to marriage councilling, whatever.
I can't trust him- I don't want this anymore. I have heard it a million times.
I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life!! I want companionship and someone who I can be close to.
This other guy, I don't know. Feels like I have loved him forever, I can't get past that.
I want to do what is right for my children, but does that mean sacraficing my own happiness until they are grown?
Bruce- I swear to god you are the smartest man that I have talked to in a long time. You should be a therapist! What do you think ( from a male's point of view) on the "old flame".
Phaycops- you are as sweet as ever, thanks for all your great advice.
Kadree

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:32 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!