It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-15-2002, 01:00 PM   #1
Inactive
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 205
Forrester HB User
Thumbs down Is anyone else really lonely?

Just wondering if anyone else is and how they're dealing with it. This is the longest I've gone (2 yrs) without any romantic attachments. It hurts. I have to wait 9 more months to move, then I'll really start the dating thing once I have more time. Now I'm too isolated and in school (there are not many guys at my school, mostly female students, so not many guys to date and they're all taken). So I feel hopeless for these next 9 months. Should I just try to be more positive and maybe I can have a little fling (not with sex, just romantic, nonsexual) for my last several months here. Also I don't know many people in the area and don't have a car and no family around here. It is really lonely just staying in and studying all weekend. The place I'm moving to will bring me closer to family and friends but now it has been hell. The worst thing is, people are getting hitched all around me and they keep flaunting it. I am so sick of them. I know they are not really flauting it ,but that's what it feels like to me. I'd like them to shut up about it a little bit, not talk about it too much, until I'm in a relationship, they don't realize it makes people who are not in relationships feel bad when they talk about their relationships. I have to remember when I get into a relationship not to talk about it too much with my single friends. There are other subjects to talk about. Does anyone else feel this way? Can you give me some advice. I really am not a bitter or mean person, just in a bad spot and waiting to move and to move on with my life. Thank you.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-15-2002, 10:46 PM   #2
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 102
ButterflyGirl22 HB User
Post

Hi Forrester. I do have to agree that it's hard being single, but there are positive things about it. I was in a long relationship that went bad and I've been single for about 3 years now. Sometimes I've gone on a single date that reminded me that it may be better to be single LOL! I'm pretty much the only single one of my friends. It makes it hard because I often feel like a third wheel when I hang out with them.

When I first became single again I did have single friends to hang out with, unlike now, and at that time I spent a lot of time with friends doing girly things and just having fun. It was really good for me. Now though, without any single friends, it's harder. I try to think of it as time for me to do the things that I like doing. Try not to obsess over being single. Use the time you have to do things to improve your life and make YOU a happier person. Are there any hobbies that you like? Just remember there's more to life than having a boyfriend. That's something I remind myself. I know one day I will be in a relationship again, but there's no point in rushing it. You'll get through these 9 months and everything will be fine. Positive thinking is good. Do you have friends who are not in relationships? If so, I'm sure they feel the same way you do. I hope this helps

 
Old 09-16-2002, 05:10 AM   #3
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 166
magee HB User
Post

Try to focus on the postitive aspects of being single.... no one to answer to, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want to, go out with anyone you want...
Try some chat rooms, not to really meet someone, but just to have an online friendship so that you don't feel completely alone...
Channel your energy into creative projects. This is a good time to get creative. When you're involved with someone, you channel a lot of energy into the relationship. You have pent-up energy that needs to go somewhere now, use it to paint, or write, or whatever it is that you're into.
Love usually hits you when you least expect it, and hardly ever when you are looking for it. Use this time to find out who you really are.

 
Old 09-16-2002, 06:10 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: England
Posts: 2,991
niecsey HB Userniecsey HB User
Post

(((((((forrester)))))))) it can be lonely in a realationship too, your a lovely person dont fret your time will come in the mean time you will have to make do with us lol take care http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

 
Old 09-16-2002, 09:10 AM   #5
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Woodbridge, NJ, USA
Posts: 142
Chezz HB User
Post

I read your post with great interest as I think I can relate to what you are saying now more than any time in my life. I'm about to turn 42 this Saturday, am still single and it feels like it will always be like that. In my family, I have 2 cousins older than me, and one a few years younger who are single. So, in a way, I don't feel isolated. But still, it does hurt sometimes. Over the past few years, things in my life have not gone as planned. When I dated, whoever I was meeting wasn't right for me and vice versa. I think part of my problem has been being shy, stubborn, insecure and lacking confidence. I have made changes to make me feel better about myself. But, I think once you develop a pattern to your personality, it is hard to completely change.

My career was stuck in neutral, so, I decided to go back to school, get my degree, better myself with a job that pays more. During this time my social life took a backseat as I got really immersed in my studies and didn't date as much. Right before I finished school, I was forced to resign my job. Without having a degree, finding another was difficult. I was able to get a temporary job 2 months after I left my previous one. I am still here and like it here and want to stay, but I don't know if they are stringing me along, or will hire me when the opportunity arises maybe in early-2003. I would like to straighten out my career as I feel it has an effect on my social life. I want to have the comfort level of having a permanent job making a decent amount of money for my age.

What has really been bothering me lately is, last Monday, I asked out some girl I had sort of known for a few years. I had liked her when I first saw her, but just didn't follow up on doing anything and lost interest. Her and I hadn't really talked to one another up until a few months ago. Once we did, although they were brief conversations, I realized that she was really sweet. Since I hadn't known this before, this revelation was like a shock to me and was kicking myself for not finding that out sooner and got interested again. So, I decided to ask her out and find out once and for all if the gut feeling I had that she wasn't interested in me was right. Her reply to me when I asked was 'really"? Expecting her to say either yes or no, I didn't know what to say and told her to think about it. I couldn't help but feel her indecision was more of a reluctance to say no. When I do see her again, I will ask her for a few minutes of her time to clear the air. I guess being only human, I make mistakes.

Sorry for the long post. I haven't had the opportunity to say this to anyone before. Thanks for listening.

 
Old 09-21-2002, 07:28 PM   #6
Inactive
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 205
Forrester HB User
Post

chezz did you ever end up going out with that woman, the one you've known for many years?

Thanks all for replying to me. One reason I'm alone still is that, like Chezz, I decided to go back to school again and my romantic life/social life has become second to my career. I wanted to get a career first and for some reason I couldn't do both at once (work on social life and go back to school), maybe not enough energy or a social life would have distracted me from career goals. Chezz i hope you were stll able to graduate and get a good job. I am almost there. I graduate in May and will hopefully get a good job soon after that. I have sacrificed a lot for this career (just as others have who go back to school) and after I graduate i am *not* going back to school until I am married/settled down so probably not for another 10 yrs when I go back and get my masters! After I graduate I'm going to focus on my social life and finding love! I can't wait. Thanks so much for all of your posts. You are right, I am beginnign to realize that you can even be alone when you have someone. I will try to focus on teh positives of being alone, it is so hard though because I've done that alot for so many years (tried to be positive) and it only works for so many years then you get sick of it. But if being positive will help me get thru the next 9 mos it will be worth it. In terms of channeling energy I have my school to channel it into as I am insanely busy until graduation. ITs just the dark lonely hours that are hard. Guess that's when I'll try to think positive.

 
Old 09-22-2002, 03:48 PM   #7
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 261
someguyinhis20s HB User
Post

"Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship."

I heard that on an episode of Ally McBeal.

Chezz, I can totally relate to everything you said. I'm also single and lately I've been wondering if I'll ever meet anyone. Like you, it seems like I meet all the wrong people. Anytime I meet someone I'm interested in, she's already involved with someone else. Whoever came up with that saying about there being plenty of fish in the sea obviously never went fishing in my neck of the woods. So consider yourself lucky that you've at least met someone that you want to ask out. If you get a chance to talk to this woman again, don't let it slip away. Better to jump off that cliff and fall than still be standing there wishing you had jumped.

Like you and Forrester, my career also took precedence over a social life. During college, I kept saying I'd worry about meeting someone later on after I was settled in my career.

The way I cope with loneliness is to think about all the ways in which I'm better off not being in a relationship. I think about the uncertainty in my career and realize how now might not be the best time to be involved with someone. I think about how out of shape I am and how I should spend this time working out and developing healthy eating habits. I think about how I may have to go back to school to improve my job prospects and how working fulltime and taking classes would get in the way of a relationship. I think about my finances and of how expensive a relationship can be. It's easier to deal with loneliness when you have other things to worry about. That's why I like going to work cause at least it keeps my mind occupied. When I'm home on the weekends, the loneliness really sets in, especially now that all my friends have lost their jobs and moved to other cities. I think that's why I go online more often than I used to. Having someone to chat with helps which is why I was glad to find this thread. I hope you guys chime in more often.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 07:04 AM   #8
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Woodbridge, NJ, USA
Posts: 142
Chezz HB User
Post

Forrester:

No, we haven't gone out. I'm not sure what, if anything, is going to happen. Being surprised by what she said, the only thing I could think of was telling her to think about it. That was 2 weeks ago. I don't know if she realizes this or not, but she actually has my phone number. I give her my phone number of where I can be reached when I get my haircut because she works there and called to make my appointment with her answering the phone. So, if she realizes this, she could have called me and told me either yes or no, which she hasn't. I don't know if that's good or bad, and not knowing anything stinks.

I got my hair cut on Saturday, but she wasn't there because she had told me on the phone she would be on vacation. So, I won't see her again until I go back in 4 weeks. Or, I could call to make my next appointment on a day when I know she answers the phone (she cuts hair and answers the phone btw) and follow up then. But, for some reason, I don't want to do that as I feel she is not interested and just doesn't want to say no. One thing I was sure would happen is, since we sort of know each other, there wouldn't be any games played. But, if her way of telling me no is to not say anything, then I am going to be ****** off. One thing two other people who I told this to both said was, if she really didn't want to, she would have told me no right then and there.

I wondered if she was going to say anything to the girl who cuts my hair that I asked her out. The girl who cuts my hair always used to see me looking at her in the mirror and kind of joked around about that. When I went there Saturday, I had a massive headache and didn't say much. I told her I hadn't slept much the last 2 weeks and to emphasize that, I kept yawning. She asked if anything was bothering me and I said it was nothing. Then she asked, "What are you in love"? Not being sure if she knew that I asked, I didn't want to commit to saying yes or no. So, all I said was, "No comment". And she asked this twice and both times I said the same thing.

I was willing to balance my school obligations with my social life if called for. My decision to immerse myself with school was more from my social life being stagnant at the time. I've always felt that making more money would increase my confidence since I always seemed to lagging behind with that. Plus, there is a cosmetic procedure I want to do will improve my appearance and has always resulted in my insecurity. My career has been puzzling and frustrating in that I have an above average IQ, possess a willingness to work hard, and want to succeed. But, things never developed and I always seemed to come across roadblocks, like not having a degree, being in a crappy job, or having a boss who was threatened by my presence because it was obvious I was more competent than them.

Someguyinhis20's:

Well, at least you still have what's left of your 20's and 30's to look forward to. Looking back when I was that age, I think I didn't care enough to be with someone as I was too busy partying with my friends and just looking to have fun. Then, one day I woke up and realized where did all the time go to. Don't make the same mistake I did. Put a real effort into it now before it's too late. And definitely start exercising as you will see that can have a positive effect on your outlook and confidence.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 08:35 AM   #9
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 261
someguyinhis20s HB User
Post

Chezz, I was in a situation a lot like yours once. I had a family friend who I knew for the longest time. One day I decided to ask her out. Like you, I figured that since we already knew each other, she wouldn't play any games. So I asked her out. She never answered. I was a little angry about that. It finally occurred to me that she wasn't interested and that she was worried that if she said no, it would be awkward the next time we saw one another. I think she was hoping I'd get the hint, which I eventually did. I did see her again after that and we both pretended like it never happened. I could tell that's how she wanted to play it and I wasn't angry because I knew that if I were in her shoes, I might've handled it the same way. So this may not be what you want to hear, but I think you need to move on. Some women play hard to get, but a lot of women don't and 2 weeks is a pretty long time to wait for an answer.

I've actually gotten past the partying stage. I'm ready for something serious and now it's just a matter of meeting someone. Problem is I live in a city where all my friends lost their jobs and were forced to move elsewhere. I work at a small company where the people are nice, but they're all very different from me. I can't see myself hanging out with any of them on the weekend. As a result, all I have at the moment is my work. Life does get pretty lonely here. I'm working out to make myself look better. And I can relate to the part about being insecure about appearance. There's also a cosmetic procedure I think about getting but I wonder if it's really worth it. Since money is tight, I'm just going to worry about getting in shape, getting rid of the love handles and belly, and maybe dressing better. What I really need to do is figure out a way to meet people cause I'm definitely not going to meet anyone through work. Thanks for the advice.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 09:34 AM   #10
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Woodbridge, NJ, USA
Posts: 142
Chezz HB User
Post

I didn't say to her, you know my number if and when you decide. I can't assume she realizes she has my number and can call me. But, I did feel she was uneasy about telling me no. Next time I see her, I won't mention it and will pretend it never happened. That's usually how I would have handled it in the past and wanted to do differently now due to my great interest in her.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 09:43 AM   #11
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 261
someguyinhis20s HB User
Post

Sorry it didn't work out. I've been there so I know how it feels. I think that if she were interested but she didn't have your number, she probably would've made the effort to get in touch with you somehow or make herself more available so that you could meet her again.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 10:30 AM   #12
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Woodbridge, NJ, USA
Posts: 142
Chezz HB User
Post

It will be interesting to see what happens in 4 weeks when I get my haircut again and whether or not either of us says anything to each other. I just told a female friend of mine what I am going to do, and she jumped all over me for making assumptions without really knowing.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 10:49 AM   #13
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 261
someguyinhis20s HB User
Post

I hear women talk about that book The Rules and about how a woman should play hard to get if she wants to land a husband and a man should keep pursuing her even if he initially gets turned down. I can't believe in this day and age, people still think like that. You took a big risk by asking her out. That should be commended. You have your pride and self-respect and if she's not willing to meet you halfway, then you shouldn't be expected to keep pursuing her, no matter how much you may like her.

 
Old 09-23-2002, 11:07 AM   #14
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Woodbridge, NJ, USA
Posts: 142
Chezz HB User
Post

If she wants to play hard to get, she's playing with the wrong person. I am a firm believer in the old adage of there being more than one fish in the sea. If she couldn't resort to telling me a white lie by saying she had a boyfriend, then I have to go along with her game and now pretend I don't have interest anymore. If she said that, I wouldn't have said anything, accepted it and moved on without any hard feelings. Back when, I wasn't willing to take the risk. But, when I realized how sweet she was, the risk was worth taking more.

My original decision to ask her out actually was provoked by the girl who cuts my hair. She saw me looking at the girl repeatedly in the mirror, and after a while, whispered into my ear, "So, when are you going to ask out (name)"? I didn't follow through on getting to know her because I thought she was stuck up, then lost interest until recently. When we did start talking with one another, I felt the stuck up part was wrong for me to assume. It seems like I've always assumed wrong about her. Just my luck, I'm probably making the wrong assumption here (lol).

 
Old 09-23-2002, 12:49 PM   #15
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 261
someguyinhis20s HB User
Post

I think you're making the right decision by moving on. She may be a sweet person but that doesn't excuse being evasive and putting you on hold. I really can't stand when women play hard to get. They may think it's part of the dating game, but I find it disrespectful. Just imagine how us men would be viewed if we did that sort of thing. When I think of the girl that I asked but never got an answer from, I still see her once in a while and remain friendly. But her not being upfront with me has definitely colored the way I look at her. I don't think of her as all that sweet and I certainly don't respect her as much as before. Maybe you'll get the last laugh down the road if she expresses interest in you. Then you can be the one to not answer.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Please, please, anyone who can help me or can relateÖ.. ariel_ascending Depression 4 12-07-2007 12:29 PM
Does anyone just not take their meds? Mokie Depression 7 02-11-2007 03:17 PM
Anyone Want To Play Connect The Dots With My Problems? Himera Mental Health 8 01-10-2006 06:17 PM
besides pain; does anyone else feel the isolation? expat64 Fibromyalgia 10 11-26-2005 09:08 AM
Is anyone as pathetic as I am???... Tesseract Depression 34 03-26-2005 03:12 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:46 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!