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Old 09-17-2002, 02:10 PM   #1
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PAISLEY HB User
Unhappy I'm sitting here crying and I don't know why...

Ok..maybe this belongs on the depression forum http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif

Why don't I have any female friends? Why can't I find a good date?

I think that I am intelligent, funny, caring, kind-hearted, well-rounded and always smiling and speaking to people. I don't have any close friends whom I can just talk too or go out with. I am a single mom of a very energetic 3 yr old so she takes up most of my time. I love being a mother! However, I would like to date and get back out in the social scene. Going out solo is not necessarily a problem for me, but sometimes I just want the company of another adult, male or female.

A lot of people tell me that I am unapproachable and intimidating but I don't think so. I always have a smile on my face. My nickname is Smiley for god's sake!! My mom says that the women in my family are cursed becasue neither she nor my grandmother had a host of female friends. I dunno, maybe I am asking for too much. Just be thankful that I am alive and well is what I've heard some people say.

Anyway, thanks for listening.


[This message has been edited by PAISLEY (edited 09-17-2002).]

 
Old 09-17-2002, 04:04 PM   #2
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Hi Paisley. You're not alone. I find it difficult to find a good date, well any date for that matter! Don't be too hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with you at all. I'll be 26 soon and ever since finishing college it seems harder to meet people. The only female friends I have (one or two) I've met at work. I don't have any kids so I don't know this, but are there any activities or groups you can go to with your daughter where you could possibly meet people? Maybe another mother or single father of another 3 year old perhaps? Just an idea.

Have you looked into singles groups in your area? Maybe try doing a search online for singles and your city. I have a hard time with this as well so I can relate. Just keep smiling and keep your head up!

 
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Old 09-18-2002, 12:50 PM   #3
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THANK YOU SO MUCH!

 
Old 09-18-2002, 05:55 PM   #4
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You're welcome!

 
Old 09-19-2002, 10:37 AM   #5
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Hey Paisley, I know how you feel! I am a 30 year old "housewife" and I don't have a lot of female friends either. However, I don't really feel the need for a whole gang of girlfriends. I don't know why, but I really enjoy my own and my family's company, and have a few good friends with whom I get together from time to time (every few weeks or months). It's almost impossible for me to get together with friends without taking my daughter along because I don't feel comfortable leaving her with just anybody. Most of my female friends either have small children themselves, or had small children once that have now grown up, and thus enjoy spending some time with someone else's small children. It's also hard for me to find friends who share most of my beliefs and philosophies, and I have a real hard time hanging out with people with whom I don't have much in common philosophically.

I used to worry sometimes about the fact that I don't have a social life like you always see on TV, but I realized one day that that is just not me. I have learned to accept myself for who I am, and that I am not a social butterfly. I have a lot of hobbies and interests that I work on, and I am in a local service organization that I really enjoy. But at this point in my life, I really just enjoy spending most of my time with my family and with my small circle of friends.

Have you thought of joining a volunteer organization, like the local Humane Society or volunteering for some cause that you really feel strongly about? That would be a good way to meet people with whom you share some common interests. Do you go to church? That would be another good place to start. Just some ideas. Also, I'd like to add that it's important that you are happy with yourself first. Are you basically happy with yourself?

 
Old 09-24-2002, 01:22 PM   #6
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PAISLEY:
Here is another view...I think this is an intimacy problem. I am sure you are a nice person with a lot to offer. But that doesn't make a good workable relationship happen, as we know.

If some people tell you that you are unapproachable and intimidating, rest assured that to them you are!
It is worth examining! That you don't think you are that way, or that you don't mean to be aloof doesn't mean you don't hold people off. I am not saying you do or you don't, as I don't know you. I am just saying that being approachable is not the same thing as smiling. No one can evaluate if you hold people off VIA the internet, so listen to those around you that obviously care for you.

I know someone that is very friendly to everyone she meets, but she is very formidable to get close to, and is intimidating. She doesn't mean to push others away, but she does. She is very fearful and insecure about relationships.

She verbally has very high standards for any kind of relationship beyond the most casual ones, but always chooses to fall for emotionally unavailable guys that are too immature, or never appraoch her for a serious relationship (they talk, but don't act). She doesn't let anyone that is actually available get close to her. Her standard seems to be based on emotions, not reality. And since she is emotionally insecure, she is not attracting or attracted to stable men that actually have something to offer her.

She wants a personal relationship with a man, but she pushes away anyone that doesn't instantly appeal to her idea of how it should feel. She never allows love to grow in an appropriate setting. Your threads remind me of her.

I read your other thread about the guy that is married. He doesn't know what he wants, and you seem satisfied with this ambiguity and confusion, even to the point of knowingly getting involved with him while he was engaged. That you even considered or consider him now shows that you also choose guys that are not accessible. He says he is available to you, but he isn't. He is married. He may feel torn between the two of you, but that is not stability. He may not even leave his wife, for all you know. He is full of talk, and it makes sense to tell him to quit including you in his mental confusion. IF, someday, down the road, he gets his life straightened out apart from you, is single and available, and you meet up again, you could date and test the waters.

Rather than consider why he married someone he "didn't want", why not consider why you chose to be involved with a man that was actually unavailable to you. It may be that he does love the lady he married, but that he is attracted to illicit affairs, which you represent. I am very sure that while he is "undecided", he will be more than happy to keep you tagging along in the shadows of a respectable relationship. If the wife knew, she might dump the bum, and will you be happy to be the wife? You have already let him know illicit affairs are OK with you! Just wait for the next gal he feels passion for, then you will be in the wife's shoes.

Please think about this: do you want this to be the kind of relationship your daughter settles for? It is highly likely she will follow in your footsteps.

Counseling and professional feedback can help you find out why you call such a confusing scenario "love". Perhaps your childhood was not stable with one set of parents, or conflicting messages about love were given to you, ie, saying one thing and doing another.

In love, both what we say and what we do must line up, or it is not love. It may be attraction (lust), dependency, or enabling, but it isn't really love unless it is open and honest in front of the whole world.
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Old 09-24-2002, 02:29 PM   #7
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PAISLEY,

I'd have to agree with the previous comment. If people don't see you the way you see yourself, then you need to ask why that is. A lot of times, we do things that send certain signals without even realizing it, things that may cause people to get the wrong impression of us.

As for not being able to find a good date, you'll find there are plenty of people with that problem. It's one of life's ironies that we live in a world with billions of people yet we can't meet anyone.

Just be happy there's at least one special person to share your life with. Not all of us are so lucky.

 
Old 09-25-2002, 12:06 PM   #8
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PAISLEY HB User
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Everyone-I appreciate all of your thoughts...Thank you!

Friend-You are right on the money, honey!!I am very fearful of intimacy, committment, love, etc...The only thing from my childhood that I can contribute that too is witnessing my folks argue all of the time. Although my parents are still married, I know that they should have been divorced YEARS ago. I think they stayed together for the kids.

I don't know what love is. No one has ever talked to me about it. Not to say that there has to be a lesson taught about love, but my mom, in particular, has never told me about what real love is or what it should be (maybe she doesn't even know). I've just heard that you will know what love is when you find it. I was also very sheltered as a young girl. My dad was very strict about guys, which was a good thing, but when I got to college, I didn't have any knowledge of how to relate to the male species. I met my daughter's father in college and was with him for 4 years (2 years in college, 2 years of out of college)before she was born. I really thought we were going to get married, but when I was 3 months pregnant I found out A LOT of things that I didn't know about him, so I could no longer be with him. I thought my world was ending. So, I did see a psychiatrist. I was also worried to death about being a single mother and the stereotypes that are put on us. I believe I mentioned this before but people would say that I was going to be alone b/c no man would want to be with me with a child. So, I think that when that guy (from my other thread) came along, I was so GUNG HO about him accepting my daughter that I just fell for any and everything that he presented.

Your scenario about your friend is ALL me. What else can I say...I'm speechless. How can I get better? How can I improve my relationship skills? I want to set a good example for my daughter.

Please give me some insight. You've given me lots to think about already but I have a teachable heart and I will do whatever I need to do be a better person.





 
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