My mother has the issue and refuses to leave me out of it. I don't live there and haven't in over ten years.
She's now engaged and apparently the fiance barely even speaks to her until she gets her life in order.
My brother has been asked to move numerous times but just as often, she offers to help him with baby steps that basically tell him he doesn't have to leave. In addition, over the years, he has acquired a bad temper that I've never seen. She has called the police on him and fears for her safety at times because of his temper.
When he is approached about the issue, he shuts down and can't seem to handle it. I suspect he has aspergers as does myself and other family members which is making such a huge transition difficult for him. I have encouraged her to seek out information and support online. I have encouraged her to use her work benefits and get family counseling and she says that she has no time for that. She wants a quick fix that prevents her from feeling the true guilt she should feel about how she has managed her life and her son's life.
She has repeatedly asked me to intervene which I refuse to do. This is not my mess. I did not create the issues yet, when I refuse to get involved, she gets pretty nasty and tells me that I should feel guilty for doing ok in my own life without helping my brother. I have no interest in screwing around with the fragile relationship I have with my brother and I feel that getting involved will surely cause this.
At this point, I've provided a few suggestions and at this point, I feel that her only option would be to move his stuff out of her house, change the locks and own the guilt, worry and sadness that any mother would have putting a seemingly vulnerable adult child out on the streets.
She blew this one royally in my books and I blame her for raising him in a way that told him he was incapable of doing things on his own. She always treated him like he was her pet and now that she has a man and wants to appear to be the strong upfront woman she should be, she can't sort this out. She plays childish games that makes it impossible to speak to her as a mature adult. The minute I tell her how her behavior has created this mess, she says stupid pity like things to get people to back off. I compare it to emotional cutting. "Oh well, things will get better" she says in ways that suggest she is saying she'll do something drastic that will make others feel guilty about not helping her in ways that she desires. It gets so old it's not funny.
Yesterday, I was supposed to introduce my boyfriend to her and my grandmother but did not because she never consented to it. What a surprise when I show up alone and she is visibly a mess. She looked a wreck and she knew that I would be embarrassed with the way she looked. There was nothing about her behavior that said that she was in a right mind to meet anyone without it being obvious she was having issues. Less than a minute after she saw I was alone, she took off.
I think it's disgusting that she would pull other people into this and make them feel guilty for not solving problems that she created. My grandmother calls me on Thanksgiving crying because my mother is so unhappy. Even she tried talking to my brother and for the first time, felt his rage. She was scared but I blamed my mother for setting that up.
I don't believe anyone can solve this problem other than my mother.
If I speak to my brother and it does nothing except cause tension between us, I may never forgive her for that.
If there is anything anyone can think of that I might be able to do that I have not already done, I'm open to suggestions.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-17-2010 at 02:58 AM.
Well, I actually applaud you for not getting involved. It sounds miserable enough from where you stand, and getting involved isn't going to help. For one, your mother is the one with the power here. She has given that power to your brother, but she has the ability to take it back, simply by telling him to leave and meaning it. You, on the other hand- you would have no power. It's almost a guarantee that you would make an enemy of your brother AND your mother would probably end up siding with him because she's proven she's an enabler.
I find it telling that her fiance won't speak much to her until she gets things straightened out. It sounds like he's put his foot down and expects her to follow through with her promises to do something.
Does your brother have any financial means to move out? A job? Is he a total deadbeat that plays videogames all day, or...? It's hard to know what to suggest your mom do without knowing more about the circumstances. Does he pay rent?
But as to you- I think you are doing the right thing. And you have nothing to feel guilty for. You're absolutely right- your mother has enabled your brother and created this situation. It's her mess to fix.
My brother does work and can afford a room somewhere. As for paying rent, I believe that he was paying for a while but either way, she wants him out. She had him paying rent for her needs, not his sense of responsibility I find.
She is trying to sell her condo and he is very messy. She needs to clear out his room. I guess just leaving his door closed was ok until the smell started traveling into the rest of the condo.
He works at night, comes home in the morning, locking himself in the bathroom for long periods of time. i suspect that it is just his way of 'coming down'... running the water etc. Who knows. I do suspect aspergers and as much as I have been able to accomplish things in my own life, aspergers affects everyone differently. I am still unable to work the way he does but would handle a transition of moving better than he.
I agree that you're doing the right thing by not getting any more involved. Stick to your guns and be strong.
your mom is a manipulator and I applaud you also for not getting sucked in.
maybe when she sells her condo, he's out, she needs to give him a deadline and stick to it.
it's not your problem or your mess.....continue to refuse to let it become yours.
This sounds all too familiar to me. My mother had my brother living with her and wouldn't do anything. He bled her of her retirement and savings. She enabled him. It finally took an intervention with my mother to get her to do something. My sister had to help her get a restraining order and we both went with my mother to court to support her.
Now my brother is married, off drugs, and is working. It would be a nice little story if it ended here, but life isn't like a fairy tale. My brother and his new wife lost their house and most likely all their savings and they ended up moving back into my mother's house. Yes, my brother found another female enabler to bleed dry of her money.
So, I guess the moral of the story is that people start reverting back to what is comfortable. My mother is more comfortable as an enabler, and my brother is more comfortable using others.
And I have done the same. I have stayed married to a user with ADHD and OCD who has used up all of my retirement, savings, and medical claim money. I have kicked him out (not for that reason). He wouldn't stay gone, and is now living in our trailer parked in our side yard. The authorities say they can't do anything until I get a restraining order and file for divorce. We have 2 children, so I will probably never be rid of him totally. His parents won't take him in and neither will his brother.
I would suggest that you continue to support your mother by letting her know that she is doing the right thing by providing tough love if she decides to send him on his way. They will both be the better for it. But, provide continued support so that she won't revert back to her old ways. It is very hard because it goes against all of your nurturing instincts for a loved one. Be patient and be her backbone when her's gets soft.