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Old 09-05-2002, 10:22 AM   #1
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Angry I AM ANGRY ALL OVER!!!!!!

Hello everyone, I thought that I did the right thing by staying in Maryland but I realize I made a terrible mistake. I am living with my sister and brother in law and they both treat me like s***. My sister is uncaring and she never once offered to help my family when they were in a hardship and she treats me like Cinderella. Because I am livng there she makes me clean the entire house: clean the bathrroms, mop the floors, vaccuum the whole house and also she is stuck up and says these snotty remarks to me and always has to comment on something. Because I talk loud she says she won't have that kind of talk in her house. Yes I do talk loud but I can't help it. I am just a nervous wreck. Also I have no car and I have to work at Burger King. I was driving a 1992 Mustang and it died last month. So I am struggling to get a car and find my own apartment because I will NOT put up with them treating me like a low-life stranger. I feel like I am the only one that has a sister who is this ignorant. I'm sorry this had to be long but I am so angry I don't know what to do. I may consider moving back in with my family, but I am 25 years old and I should be living like an adult. I have to get out of her house so bad. I am tired and fed up of being treated this way and by living with their rules. I have to live by myself and be free to be myself and live by my own rules.

 
Old 09-05-2002, 10:44 AM   #2
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Why don't you just move back in with your family until you save up enough for your another car, a place to stay, and get to get back on your feet. All the kids in my family still live at home and we're all in our 20's. Heck, my sister is almost 30, has a good job(makes about 65 grand a year) and she still lives at home! There's no shame living at home until you can get back on your feet. Put your pride aside and do the logical thing. Or else continue putting up with the living conditions that you are in now.
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Old 09-05-2002, 10:54 AM   #3
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My daughter came back home to live when she was 28.
She got herself together and then moved out. I would
not have had it any other way and neither would her
stepfather. However, for this to work; you must treat
each other with respect. I don't think I mentioned
that she brought her two dogs with her. I have two dogs and one cat and we still made it.

 
Old 09-05-2002, 12:27 PM   #4
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My mom moved to Maryland too a couple years ago and 7 weeks later took the Greyhoung right back. Beautiful as it is, it just is not homey. Greyhound it back because it is cheap. Might be a three day trip, but I bet it would be worth it!!

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Old 09-07-2002, 01:33 PM   #5
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If I may point something out--are you living there for free? If you don't pay rent, then I think it is only right for you to contribute to the household in some way. Cleaning (even the entire house) seems a small price to pay for a free place to live. If you are paying them rent, that is different.

And if you are unhappy in your living situation, only you can change that. Maybe you can redirect some of the energy that you have spent being angry into making some new plans for yourself. Don't let anger paralyze you into inactivity. Make some plans and get into your own place. At 25, you really should be living like an adult, and only YOU can make that happen. No one else will do that for you. No one is coming to save you, so save yourself!

First, evaluate your skills, and figure out if you are in the right line of work. At least you have a job for now. I know Burger King is not great (believe me, I KNOW), but see if you can get some extra hours and maybe even find another "part-time" job nearby that you can walk to. Then save your money for a few weeks, and buy a really cheap car ($ 1000 or less) just to get around town. Save for a few more weeks, and get an apartment. Take your time, and be deliberate. Don't let life happen to you anymore, you have to happen to life (if that makes any sense at all!) Good luck!

 
Old 09-07-2002, 04:20 PM   #6
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I dunno. This business of getting out of the house at 18 years of age has only been popular the last 150 years or so. Prior to the industrial revolution it was common to have three generations living under the same roof in most places.

Industrialists needed easily "packageable and moveable" family units in order to have a mobile work force. Somewhere in all of that change we got this idea that kids were supposed to be gone at 18. Beats me.

Not all of us mature and are ready for this change at the same age. I was up and out at 16. My kids will be home much longer than that.

If I were you I'd go to where the love is. Love is patient and kind, not jealous or angry. Good luck.

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 09-08-2002, 07:31 AM   #7
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Okay, I agree with what most have already replied and I do feel for your situation. I can't imagine being treated that way, especially from my very own sister. What I will suggest, though, is something to think about. When I divorced and was quite on my own there wasn't very many jobs that would pay well enough. I imagine Burger King is the same way, am I right? I did move in with my parents, but could only take the ivasion of privacy (at least how I felt about it then) for 4 days before begging for a government housing apartment. It wasn't real cheap, either, but felt it was best for me. After almost a year of living totally on my own I came to realize the only good choice I could make was to go to school. I didn't have any college under my belt, so I looked into that. Okay, here is what I want you to consider: since you are working at Burger King I imagine your income is pretty low, am I right? Great! This will help you alot if you decide to try to go to school. My lower income allowed me to access more funds. Actually it helped me pay my bills and vehicle payments while attending. I have one daughter, so I'm sure that helped me a little more, but I didn't really need to work at all with as much help as I was getting. While in school I got free rent at a government housing apartment (it was clean and cute, if small), I applied and recieved food stamps for a short time (don't knock me here, guys. Me and my daughter went hungry a lot of nights. I wouldn't accept child support or help from my parents), I recieved enough pell grants and other grants, scholarship and loans to pay tuition, books, and still have enough money to live on til the next semester. Combine that with a part time job and you can imagine things looking better even still. Working at Burger King will allow you some flexibility on work schedule to attend classes by day or night.
You may even consider moving in with your parents until you can get out of school. They may be more supportive than your sis. Had I to do it over again I would have lived with my parents longer, started school earlier, and got my feet on the ground better before trekking out on my own so stubbornly. Hindsights 20/20 there, just hoping to help ya anyway I can.

 
Old 09-08-2002, 10:14 AM   #8
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I have been reading your replies and most people agree you should move in with your parents who love you and will not treat you like cinderella. Did your parents ever ask you to clean the house or ask you for rent?
I am sure that if you cleaned the house you did it because you wanted to. Get a ticket either grayhound or plane get on your feet and then get an apartment good job and a new car.

most people agrees with me that you should do that and do it QUICK.

Sincerely

A Mother

 
Old 09-08-2002, 12:32 PM   #9
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I agree with the statement about getting out of the house at 18 years of age, that prior to the industrial revolution it was common to have three generations living under the same roof in most places. It is a rare 18 year old that is actually ready to leave the nest. We all need strong family support and interaction. We can look at the Kennedy's and other families...they got where they are by standing together, submitting themselves one to another. Young and old ones and those in the middle ranges all need each other!

If one can get support and help from child support and parents, they are totally appropriate resources, and are MUCH preferable than to be on a public dole that comes out of the tax-payer's pocket! I never mind helping someone that has no other resources, but getting on public assistance when one does not need it actually lessens what is available for others that really DO need it. Welfare offers a false sense of independence when one is not actually independent at all. Children need to see their parents held accountable, and child support is just one of the ways.

Tara,
I know it is hard to grow up and take responsibility on your own, but I can see your sister feeling resentful of you, that you are not doing it on your own. It is a big deal to have another person under the roof, and she and her husband is sacrificing to have you there.

We all have to take our own age appropriate responsibility. (It seems funny that you seemed to have just posted as though it was not you that began this discussion!)

Your sister wants you to take responsibility on your own. She is not responsible for you, but since she opened her home to you, you have responsibility toward her. She has made her decisions and her life, and you seem to think she owes you this place to live without her rules, or without helping around the house. She is making you earn your keep, is all, helping you to grow up. She probably is fed up with all your anger and is hoping you will learn gratitude, and this iS love! She deserves your right attitude.

Didn't you start a thread about wanting to get away from your family that wanted you to stay with them? Maybe your mother realized that you don't yet have what it takes to be on your own, such as a car, appropriate earning skills, etc. Wanting independence is not the same as taking responsibility, and one has to take responsibility to have independence!

My daughter had a child before leaving home, and is 27, now staying home by choice to get her college done, and so she and her child has our family support. She made mistakes, and it is not always easy for her to submit to the rules of our home, but I remind her that she is here by choice, not by force.

She has a share of household work that is her responsibility and is expected to share in whatever else needs to be done. She knows it is the better choice to take the help she really does need, to get her life in order, and not subject herself or her child to the cold hard world, unecessarily, before she has needed skills and confidence.

I would like to see you work with your sister, talk about your resentments, hers and yours, and ask her IF it is OK that you stay and work this out. Jumping between home and home, looking for comfort is not mature. Tell her that you need to work out a deal where both of you are satisfied with the helping around the house arrangement, so you also have time to take classes, etc. Ask for help to budget your money so you can save. Have a prearraneged consequence if you fail to keep up your side of the arrangement (such as you have to give her money out of your pay check).
This will help keep emotions settled down in both of you!

Whether you go back to your parents' home or not, You should take the initiative to take responsibility and not assume that at your age, you can live anywhere for free. Your share will be helping, if you cannot pay rent, and even if you do pay rent, there are household chores that go with getting to live in a home. These should be willingly shared.

I see you want to grow up. Growing up is getting the adult point of view and giving up the childish one.
Find out what all pressures and responsibilities that your adult family members deal with every day, and then you will not be so angry that they try to help you. And you probably will feel more like contributing. Accepting help is one more way to be mature and grown up!
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Old 09-08-2002, 02:05 PM   #10
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Hey, friend, you said it all! It is not reasonable for a parent to support AND wait on an adult child. We are not talking about a 5 year old here.

The Greenberry Free Hotel shuts down at either age 18 (if they refuse to go to college), or when a four-year college degree is completed. And it won't really be "free" up until that point either--I expect my children to contribute to the household by doing chores and helping out. That is the best way to teach responsibility. My two year old already helps out (in very small ways, but she does help out.) If any of my children expect to live here as ADULTS, they better be willing to pay rent/do housework or both.

I guess I was almost alone in suggesting that Tara try to make it on her own. She does at least have a roof over her head, which is more than anyone has ever given me since I graduated from college. Why should anyone expect to receive something for nothing even from family except in the direst of emergencies? Don't get me wrong, I am not totally heartless--I would not allow my adult child to go hungry or homeless, but there are ways to help someone out without totally enabling them to stay helpless.

 
Old 09-09-2002, 04:04 AM   #11
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People will probably get mad at me for this but I have to point it out.

When Tara first started posting about wanting to stay behind in Maryland and be on her own everybody and their brother told her to go for it. We all said things like, "You're 25...its time to be an adult and get some independence". Now that she's done that and its gotten a bit hard everybody is telling her to run home to mommy and daddy!

Tara, one of the hardest things you'll ever do is take those first steps to independence. Life itself is hard. Your sister opened her home to you and wants you to pull your weight and help out. Now that doesn't mean you should become her personal slave. She is your sister, not your prison warden. Stand up to her and tell her you don't like being spoken to like you're nobody.

I personally think you should stick this out for at least a little while longer. If you just work hard and save your money you'll be on your way in no time. In the meantime you can always search through the classified ads and look for another apartment /roommate. Just think of how fulfilling it will be when you do manage to do this on your own! And like I said earlier, stand up for yourself when it comes to your sister. You may find that she's all bark and no bite.

Take care!

Nic

 
Old 09-09-2002, 05:55 AM   #12
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I think Da_boat's story rocks. I've copied it and intend to keep it.
Da_Boat - you could keep this one on file. I can think of lots of places on these boards this story would fit. I particularly liked the sentence about "I would not accept help from my parents or child support." Ummmmm - - - I bet yer single....... I also bet you get lots of invitations to change your marital status too !!

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 09-09-2002, 07:05 AM   #13
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I did stand up to my sister yesterday. I wrote her a note and told her how I was feeling since there was no one home to talk to. I left the house and went for a walk. I am going to consider getting a second job so I checked back to a few places I applied to and also applied to this hotel. I had to work at Burger King and my sister was in the front and was very upset about my note. She told me that I either have to do the chores or pay rent. And also she told me that it will be this way if I live on my own or have a roommate. I never knew this since I always have been with my family. I am very stressed out between working at Burger King, not having a car, not having any money, my family in Arizona constantly pushing me to come there, and having my sister telling me that I have to clean the whole house. I don't mind helping out with little chores such as doing the dishes, dusting the furniture, taking out the garbage, but moping the floors, cleaning the bathrooms, and vaccuuming the whole entire house is too much for one person to do by herself. I told my sister this and she said that I don't have to do everything in one day but as long as it gets done by the end of the week.
I wanted to stay in Maryland to finish school. I had put off my schooling for 2 years and I just want to get it done. My family doesn't seem to understand that.

 
Old 09-09-2002, 07:11 AM   #14
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mydog8mybrain:
Nope she didn't accept child support or parental help. Instead, she accepted help she didn't need to get from strangers (tax-payers) that she never had to be considerate of, accountable to, or thank...that kind of story doesn't rock. She did not accomplish it by herself. Someone that works and saves their own way to their goals...that REALLY rocks!

You may not realize this until you have a family of your own to support, but it does not feel good to pay taxes to support people that didn't really need public assistence, and have to struggle to make financial ends meet in one's own family.

Tara:
I wish you well as you struggle to learn what independence is and to gain it. You can do it, girl!
Remember to be grateful to the ones that help you on the way.
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Old 09-09-2002, 07:47 AM   #15
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Tara
I hope that you will look your sister in the eyes, thank her for helping you and for letting you discuss things...that is the mature way to deal with conflicts. I bet you can also tell her how hard this feels to you, and that she understands. She had to grow up, too.

All of this is just part of the growing up process. Your mother thought you were not ready to strike out on your own at this time, but you insisted you were.
Life is full of wake-up calls, and you are getting one now: that we have to earn our way in life. Cleaning the whole house is not too much to ask for rent!
Do you eat her food? If so, you are getting that benefit, too. Are you using towels, furniture, bedding, water, electricity, washing machine, dryer, etc? All those cost your sister money. Doing chores or paying rent is very reasonable, at your age.

I know you only wanted to stay in that state to finish school, but your family moved. Your sister is helping you take a big grown-up step, by allowing you to stay at the school of your choice, and not letting you continue as you did with your parents. She is really being a very good friend to you! She is helping you get the independence you want!

My daughter that lives at home to finish college has to mop the floors, clean the bathrooms, and vaccuum the whole entire house, every week, plus take care of her child, and go to work, pay (a reduced rate) for child care, pay a small rent for her child, and do her college work. I am available to take care of her child, buy all the groceries, do most of the shopping, supply all household items, and do house work between when she does it, plus I cook and clean the kitchen almost always. If she lived on her own, she would have all that pressure, have to do all those things herself, pay a lot more for child care, and get no benefit of any kind of break. So, she chooses to live with me at this time. I am glad to help her, but I don't owe it to her, and I don't want to cripple her by not insisting she take responsibility for herself and her child.

You are getting to stay in Maryland to finish school. I hope that you will do what it takes to make it work, sweetie!

[This message has been edited by friend (edited 09-09-2002).]
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