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Old 10-06-2002, 09:48 PM   #16
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I was a single mom for years. It's not so bad. It was far better than subjecting my kids to learning that:

a) A dysfunctional family life is O.K.
b) It's O.K. to despise your spouse.
c) Men can do whatever they want; women have to put up with it.
d) Married people are not affectionate with each other.
e) Marriage has nothing to do with love.

These are not the things I wanted to teach my kids. I wanted my kids to learn:

a) Be yourself
b) Be independent
c) To my daughter, make sure you are financially independant
d) If love comes along, go for it; if it never comes along, be happy with who you are, don't settle for less than what is right for you.

I could never teach my kids these things if I had stayed with my ex-husband. Children learn by example.

 
Old 10-08-2002, 02:32 PM   #17
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Hey Bruce...
I tried AlAnon just recently and I just didn't get it! I wish someone could explain to me the purpose of it. I got the impression it basically was to "teach" you about alcoholism and how to cope with the drunk you are living with. I am not at that stage of my life anymore. If anything, I was interested in learning how to support him IF he quit. I do not want to know how to cope. I watched many people who "learned" to cope and I don't think it was healthy. At least that is my opinion. But hey, maybe I got it all wrong. I know many people love the program so I don't suppose that many people can be wrong.
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Old 10-08-2002, 03:40 PM   #18
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I agree that marriage sucks, Mel.

 
Old 10-09-2002, 07:25 AM   #19
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Marriage has its ups and downs. Even dating does. Marriage works out great for some people and for others it doesnt work. It depends on the people in the relationship. Marriage is something that each person has to work at.

 
Old 10-10-2002, 02:50 PM   #20
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OK Mel - Glad you tried one meeting. Al-Anon may not be for you or it may not be for you at this time. I appreciate you giving it a try.

I hope things get better for you.

I dunno. When you have a spouse taking chemicals of a mind altering nature on a regular basis it just really makes things difficult. I think it is because when things get crummy you are not really dealing with the person; you are dealing with part chemical and part person. I mean, once they take the chemical (alcohol in this case) then their behavior is beyond their control. The chemical makes the decisions. See what I am saying?

The only REAL decision they can make is weather to take the chemical or not. After they ingest it then they are unable to make a rational decision.

Sorry I rambled.
Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 10-10-2002, 03:01 PM   #21
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Hi Bruce...I have something to share with you all. I did try alanon but like I said, it just wasn't my thing. BUT...the following week I looked in the directory and found an open AA meeting. This was something I found some comfort in. It was all those people sharing why they drink, how they drink and how they don't want to drink. I guess what I was looking for was the answers to the questions my husband couldn't give me. I think I got it there. I know it doesn't make it any better or any more acceptable but I think ultimately I did find some answers I was in search for.

I'd reccommend it to people in my situation.

Mel

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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 
Old 10-10-2002, 08:32 PM   #22
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Swell - Glad you went to an open meeting. Sometimes open meetings can help us understand.
Bruce

 
Old 10-11-2002, 08:41 AM   #23
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I stand by you Mel, Ididn't goto my high school reunion cause I'm not married, and even though about 30% of those people are on their 2nd marriage, I'm somehow a sinner, or non-conformist. I have no problem with marriage, I'm just not going to marry anybody just to "look good" in others eyes, a bunch of hipocrates who think nothing of divorcing, and leaving children in broken homes, at the drop of a hat, then repeat process again. I think way too many of the current generation rush into marrage to please their parents and freinds. just my opinion.

 
Old 11-02-2002, 06:46 PM   #24
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I have been married 4 years. I've known my husband for 8 years. We have never cheated on each other and we are not tempted or are attracted to anyone. He's got a very promising career and is responsible and financially secure.

However we've been fighting very often this entire year. I just don't know what's wrong (no physical abuse). In fact in the eyes of others, we are an ideal couple - young, beautiful and intelligent.

My health has not been too good since beginning of this year and work has been stressing me out. I am THIS close to insanity right now. I think about divorce a lot. Sometimes I look at him and start crying, wondering why we've become like this - constantly at loggerheads.

It's not a loveless marriage. We know we love each other dearly. We've got everything going for us, so why are things so bad? Are you puzzled? I am



 
Old 11-03-2002, 08:11 AM   #25
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Wow, Mel....I am so sorry you are in this situation. It truly sounds like you have done all you can and are working extremely hard to make this marriage a success, but you are not getting anything in return. You may love him and he may love you, but his behavior is ruining your happiness and your health. For as tough as it may be, it sounds like letting this one go would be what is best for both you and your child(ren?).

I have always told myself I don't believe in divorce, but there is a difference between quitting on a marriage just because it isn't exciting enough for you and leaving a guy who is wasting all your money on getting drunk and isn't doing anything to help himself or his family. You deserve better then that, and you are NOT a failure for getting him out of your life and moving on. In fact, it takes quite a bit of courage to do something like that, but for as much as it may seem lonely or sad, in the long run I think it may be a chance for you to find the happiness that you deserve. Perhaps you leaving him would be the slap in the face that he needs to get sobered up and to find a life outside of alcohol. Please don't feel like you would be abandoning him...it's probably the best thing you could do for him.

I have never been married and do not speak from any experience. I hope to get married someday and would have an extremely difficult time getting divorced. Still, you only get one life. Your man doesn't sound like he's making any progress to change....ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do now? I wish you the best of luck and hope that you feel better and happier soon, in whatever decision you make. We are all cheering for you!

 
Old 11-03-2002, 01:14 PM   #26
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I agree with EddieDean. It's great that you're willing to work to save your marriage. You should be proud that you're not one of those people who just gives up when things get rough. But marriage is supposed to be 50/50 and if he's not willing to try as hard as you, then what else can you do? If the marriage ends, at least you can walk away knowing that it wasn't your fault and that you did the work to try and save it.

 
Old 11-05-2002, 09:49 AM   #27
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Thanks Eddy and Some for understanding!!

I guess my problem now is not the actual fear of the divorce itself, it's the fear of what lies in the future for me after the divorce.

The two serious relationships I have been in was actually great at first, as I am sure most are but then it just seemed one day I woke up and said, "What the hell am I doing here?" I realized that the relationship was not what I wanted or needed. I really worry that it might be a problem within myself as well.

Is it normal to hate having sex with your partner. Mind you, this only happened once the relationship started getting bad. It is not for lack of trying on my partners behalf, it just turns me off, even the thought of it.

I fear that this is the way it is with every relationship....is sex only desirable for a short time, then it is just a routine duty after that??? Someone please tell me it is not!! If my husband was a good husband and things were "normal" would it be different, or am I in search for something that don't even exist???

These may sound like stupid questions but the reality is, that I don't have anything to compare the 2 bad relationships I had with.

Has anyone else been in my position and then found happiness after the failures?? Is their hope??? I am confused and second guessing my idea of what a healthy relationship is like for other couples.

Please give me your thoughts!!

------------------
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
__________________
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 
Old 11-05-2002, 12:39 PM   #28
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I'm so sorry that you've had bad luck in your relationships in the past. While I'm sure you're a wonderful person I have to wonder if you are setting yourself up for these failures by being attracted to someone who will allow you to "mother" them. Someone who NEEDS the constant giving?

I'm not a big fan of divorce, but sometimes its the only option. It sounds like you've done a lot to be understanding and your husband is just not reciprocating that effort. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Regardless of if you divorce or not, its time to stop taking care of other people and start taking care of yourself! Give that attention to yourself and get involved in activities that bring you joy. That might mean volunteering time to an organization that helps children or the elderly or that raises money for a disease that is close to home (alcoholism?). Make friends outside of your marriage.

I've only been married three years so maybe its a bit early to say how things are going to workout, but my husband makes me happy and I'm certain I make him happy as well. We spend equal amounts of time together and apart following our own interests. Sometimes we do our apart things at home together and sometimes we're both out of the house. I think that this is one of the things that makes our marriage strong, our ability to realize that we do not have to be together 100% of the time to be true to one another and to be married.
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