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Old 10-03-2002, 08:11 AM   #1
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MelNor HB User
Post MARRIAGE SUCKS!!!

That is the way it seems most of the time!

It's really bizarre that we as humans crave things like a relationship when we know that it is most likely doomed from the start.

About 50% of marriages end in divorce, high, but none the less if this meant 50% of the people found good love then it wouldn't be so bad...right?? But yet have you ever though about the people m/f who stay in an unhappy marriage?? For whatever the reason..co-dependance, fear of being alone, unrealistic hope that the hurting party will change, or for the kids!! It's very clear that many people do...including myself! Also from reading these boards and other forums on the net and also just personal experiences I seen in my life with friends and family, it is far more common than I want to believe.

Why does it seem that in a marriage someone always loves their spouse more than the spouse loves them? There are many who decide that having sex with a co-worker while jeopradising their families health would be fun, especially if they don't get caught! How about abusers? Physical, mental, emotional, it don't matter...but it happens all the time! These are usually a huge portion of the marriages that are unhappy but never dissolved, due to fear!

At 31 years old, it saddens me to say that I have been in 2 serious relationships, 1 for 9 years and the other for 4. Neither are or were healthy or happy for me. It wasn't that I didn't try to be a good partner because I was. I was always the one giving, yet never recieving.

I am tired and discouraged. I guess it doesn't take a genius to figure out I am contemplating a divorce, but ya know sometimes I think, why bother?? Get rid of this one to prepare myself for another upset?? Maybe there are still some people out there who wants the same as me. I just wish the chances of ever finding someone sincere and true were greater??

A sweet and dear friend of mine, while discussing our marriages once said to me, "At 80 years old, I don't want to look back at my life and realize this is all I had for love and happiness?" It really made me think!

I am not unrealistic? I know in a marriage things are not going to be roses every day, this would be naieve, but having the good days out weight the bad days would be a plus!

I know there are some truely happy marriages and I am so so happy and proud of the ones who have this, but how common is it really??

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Old 10-03-2002, 10:11 AM   #2
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Hi Mel,
You can't give up the thought that there is someone out there for you. When you give up hope that is when the trouble begins. Sometimes true love happens when you least expect it.
If you are going to give up and expect that the next relationship will be bad, then you might as well stay in the one you are in.
I know that you are a strong and beautiful person. You have had these experiences to learn from, and now you know what you Don't want. So you have to be choosy and take things slow, and know that you owe it to yourself to take the time to find someone great.
You deserve nothing but the best, and trust me, the right one is out there somewhere.
Love Kadree

 
Old 10-03-2002, 11:50 AM   #3
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As someone who's never been married and looks forward to being married someday, I don't think I like these odds. First you have to find someone who you like, which is hard enough. Then if you're lucky enough to find someone that you actually want to spend the rest of your life with, there's a 50/50 chance it'll end in divorce. And if it lasts, that's still not a guarantee that you'll be happy since like you said, a lot of people stay in marriages even though they're not happy. Makes the single life look a whole lot better.

I think you're right though. Of the marriages that last, I wouldn't be surprised if the number that are unhappy ones is higher than most people think.

Marriage is hard work and I think some people just get tired of working. They get too relaxed and take the other person for granted.

As for cheating, I think people feel less guilt over this because it's become so common. You see other people doing it so you think it's not such a big deal. And it doesn't help that we preach forgiveness all the time. Sorry, but if I had a wife and she cheated on me, there's no way I'd forgive that.

MelNor, I hope things improve for you. Also, I was curious what other forums do you visit.

 
Old 10-03-2002, 12:36 PM   #4
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Hi Some...so we meet again! LOL The main two forums I tend to bounce back and forth from are the weight loss and the relationship forum.

As hard as weight loss is, unfortunately, it is still easier than relationships! LOL

What I don't understand is why I keep landing myself in situations where my kindness blows up in my face. As a child I had a fairly functional family in a not so functional world, shall I say. So it is not like this is the dreaded old pattern of behaviour reoccuring.

I am a care giver, the person who is always looking for the happiness and good in everything. I was always a very happy person who everyone loved to be with and now I am just sad and lonely. Its ironic how I had to get married to feel so lonely and isolated.

I think this plays a big part in my desire to get healthier. It was never an issue because before it didn't matter as much because I was too happy and full of life to let a little extra weight get me down. Now, it's different. God, I know I am rambling but I am so confused and sad.

I have spent so many nights of my marriage up crying all night and wondering what I done to make him want to go out and drink and party all night with not so much as a phone call to let me know he was alive!

Now I understand that I done nothing wrong. His childish, alcoholic, negligent behaviours is what is wrong, not me! And I have realized that a person will only be given as much respect as they demand in a marriage. If a person repeatedly allows another to use them as a doormat, they will never change... afterall, why would they??? They have their cake and eat it too!!

I really did not want to scare anyone from marriage, it's just the reality of it is sometimes overwhelming!

Although I am ranting about how bad it is, the truth is that I am still in hopes that there is a loving, sweet, caring, mature guy out there that is honest and deserving of the love I have so loosely given to the two losers in my past!!

"""I am going to the big "D", and I don't mean Dallas!!"""

Thanks for the responses guys!

Love Mel
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Old 10-03-2002, 02:52 PM   #5
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MelNor, you never mentioned what other forums you go to. Just curious if they're as helpful as HealthBoards.

 
Old 10-04-2002, 05:09 AM   #6
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Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have been through one divorce myself.

I think that a lot of people, and this included me at one point, think that love is the answer. That if you love someone, you can work anything out. But love isn't enough. Love didn't stop me from being afraid of my ex husband.

Marriage is not an individual sport, it is a team sport. Both people have to be willing to give and take and to talk things out.

I also think that it is so easy to get married and people don't really think about what they are doing. Think about it, if getting married were as difficult as getting divorced, would as many people be married? Do we really take the time to get to know someone before we committ to them?

It took me 3 years post divorce to even think about the possibility of getting married again someday. And another year to decide that yes, I do want to be married again. I ended a 3.5 yr relationship because the man I was involved with never wanted to marry again.

Now I have been seeing someone for 5 months, an incredible man. And for the 1st time in my life, I am laying the foundation for a solid relationship. If something bothers me, I tell him (a very difficult thing for me to do). Because there is no way he can possibly know what is going on inside my head if I don't tell him. If he were to ask me to marry him, I would say yes, but I would insist on a long engagement.

If you do end up divorced again, take some time for yourself. Learn to live alone, get to know yourself. I have had boyfriends over the last 5 years, but I have lived alone the entire time (with my kids that is). Everything that you learn to do on your own feels like such a wonderful accomplishment. This summer, I got up on the roof and cleaned my chimney. I walked around bragging about it for two days. And it isn't just the physical things that I have learned. I have learned alot of valuable emotional lessons (but I don't walk around bragging about these!) and I've learned alot about myself, what my morals are (went from living with my parents to being married) and who I really am. I wish I had learned these things before I married. Maybe then things would have ended up differently.

But keep your chin up, because things will get better. What is that saying, "it's always darkest just before the dawn?"


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Old 10-04-2002, 08:54 AM   #7
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Melnor, when you are in a negative situation, you tend to think negatively. Thats the nature of the beast. But have you considered therapy? You mentioned how how you feel lonely and isolated. Those are signs of depression. Perhaps you might need some therapy to help you get though this rough time. Also, what about getting therapy with your husband?

Im 27 and am about to be married in May of 2003. Ive thought a lot about marriage since getting engaged, and Ive done a lot of research online about making marriages work and such.

For starters, the divorce rate is now NOT 50%, its only 35%. I believe that the decrease has to do with the fact that my generation grew up in broken homes with divorced parents and we are determined to not make the same mistakes. We want our marriages to last and are taking proactive steps to make them last, too. That is a huge step for those that are contemplating marriage.

Marriage isnt a safety net for a relationship. It doesnt guarantee that your relationship will work. You have to be the one to take the steps to prevent illness in your relationship as well as to cure it when you do have rough times. Yes, its easy to head for the door and move on with your life with someone new. However, on the day that you married your husband, were you thinking that? No. You were thinking that you would do anything and everything to have a happy marriage and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with that man. So whats changed? Have you lost sight of how to make it work? Have you forgotten how to communicate? Perhaps therapy will get you back on track. therapy for couples can help tear down the walls that have slowly built up between you and can once again put you on the path to having the marriage you envisioned.

I know that before I head for the divorce door, I'll be able to say that I tried everything to make it work. Thats how determined I am NOT to get divorced. My fiance and I discuss everything we do, every decision we make is a joint effort. We enjoy one anothers company so much we hate being apart.

Yes, we've had our rough times when I wanted to throw my ring back at him and tell him to leave, but I would have been lying because I never want to be without him. We've gone through a lot as a couple, and each time we get stronger and grow closer together for dealing with it as a couple. We dont just toss in the towel and walk away. Why? Because a committed couple is just that.... committed to making it work. Its not just a label we wear to be like other people. We dont break up when we are unhappy with one another. Marriage isnt like "going steady" in high school. This is real life and real grown up relationships.

So are you feeling like you've fallen out of love with your hubby because he goes out and leaves you at home? Why have you let it happen? Why werent you going out with your hubby? Why did the communication stop?

As for you getting divorced, do yourself a favor and dont get married again until you know for a fact that you have what it takes to keep it going. You are ready to throw in the towel without trying anything to save your marriage. Thats why the statistics climb. People get married and then jump out of it when they "arent in love" anymore.... love takes work and its obvious that your relationship needs more help than just what you can offer. Therapy would do wonders for your self esteem and for your relationship.

Im sure there are many good things about your marriage that maybe because things have gotten so out of whack that you cant see it right now. Thats why I urge you to try therapy before taking the steps for divorce. Also, remember that people are always changing, evolving, learning. They say that peoples personalities and likes/dislikes change every 7 years. Im sure you can understand that by looking back at something you used to not like that you now do like (such as veggies, a hobby, etc). So dont you think that will affect the people they are around 24/7? f course! This is always going to affect your relationships with them. If their behavior is distuctive to themselves or to your relationship, why do you idley sit by and watch it happen? Why not help your husband see that his behavior is ruining your marriage (as you say)? Communication is the key to creating a happy environment conducive for marriage.

I guess my beliefs of marriage are strong and Im very determined to making mine work. I guess its hard for me to understand why people would get married if they wont work on it to make it work. Why just run for the door and into another marriage? I just dont get that...

Ive rambled on long enough, I just wanted to make a point that while you are so adament about pointing out all the bad things about marriage, there is a lot that can be done to prevent it from happening. None of which you said you've tried. Try getting some therapy for yourself and your depression and see if that helps inprove your self worth and your self esteem. You might see that by going for therapy that it will create small changes in you that will in turn create positive changes in your marriage.

Good luck!

 
Old 10-04-2002, 09:17 AM   #8
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I think a lot of women go into marriage thinking they've found a protector (which their husband is supposed to be) and he has not learned that or is in no way ready to be one.

My church offers and strongly suggests, to the point where one would not be able to be married in the church, pre-marital counseling.

I have heard of some counselors who tell couples to not get married if they are truly not compatible or ready to make that committment.

All of this advice comes to late to your situation.

I believe in the power of prayer and in the bible. I will be praying for your situation.

 
Old 10-05-2002, 10:17 AM   #9
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Hi Some-Actually I have not been to any other forums on the net, only health boards. Sorry I misunderstood what you were asking in the first post. That's why I said I tend to bounce between the weight loss and relationship boards...I thought u meant which forums on here. How about you??

MegHurts-Thanks for your reply and I am glad you have such a positive outlook on your upcoming marriage and I wish you much happiness.
To answer some of your questions-

"Also, what about getting therapy with your husband?"
I have been asking him for 2 years to get therapy, he agrees at the time to please me then he never goes when the time comes. We did go once in the past and the counsellor confronted him on a couple things and he was wildly mad afterwards when we left. I guess his idea of getting therapy is going and pretending everything is fine...to aviod the embarrasment of having to be held accountable for his actions, I suppose. So I guess you can see that it is not an option for him, and I know he will NEVER go again. As for me, I have no problem going, it is great far as I am concerned, I actually enjoy it, if nothing else, just having someone who is a 3rd party to suggest ideas and solutions is good. By the way, the therapist I seen said they feel I have done all I can to try and keep our marriage together but it is his problems that have to be delt with, not mine.

"Yes, its easy to head for the door and move on with your life with someone new."
I never said I was planning on doing this so I don't know why you would think it???????

"You were thinking that you would do anything and everything to have a happy marriage and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with that man."
Actually, to be honest with you, when I married him, I was thinking "WE" would do anything and everything to have a happy marriage and that "WE" would want to spend the rest of "OUR" lives "TOGETHER." Not "I" I have to agree with what INFANTELL said-"Marriage is not an individual sport, it is a team sport. Both people have to be willing to give and take and to talk things out."
I have always been willing, he just wants to push everything under the carpet and pretend nothing is wrong. But I guess that is easy when you have a devoted wife who respects and loves you while she sits at home with the child worrying about when the bank will come repossess the house or which utility will be shut off because there was no money to pay them after you spent all the bill money getting drunk.

"So whats changed?"
He has changed!!!

"Have you lost sight of how to make it work?"
No, not at all, I have just become tired of trying to do this alone!

"Have you forgotten how to communicate?"
I hate to answer a question with a question but Meghurts, have you even tried to communicate with someone who is drunk all the time, and when he isn't drunk, he is a compulsive liar?? He lies so bad, I can not even believe the simplest things he says anymore, it is so bad if he told me the sky was blue, I'd have to go check for myself. Is this anyway to live?? I say no!

"My fiance and I discuss everything we do, every decision we make is a joint effort."
That is great for the both of you, but I bet when he tells you something, it is the truth. That is not so in my case! For everything we discuss there are 2 stories...his, which is usually a lie, and then the truth, which I usually find out later from another source such as his bank statement or a reciept he leaves laying around, his family, or friends. Do you have any idea how embarrasing and degrading that is?? OMG-I am always the last to know everything.

"So are you feeling like you've fallen out of love with your hubby because he goes out and leaves you at home? Why have you let it happen? Why werent you going out with your hubby? Why did the communication stop?"
This has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever had anyone say to me!!! "WHY DID "I" LET IT HAPPEN???" LOL I am NOT his master, I can not control what he does! It is as simple as this...he goes to work in the morning and don't come home! I can't make him take me! He don't take me on his drunks because number 1-I wouldn't lower myself to that standard...I have a child to look after, a job, a house to keep, and responsibilities. Number 2- We do NOT have the extra money to go blow hundreds of dollars on a drinking binge. We are very financially strapped because of this and I am not about to go add myself to the list of irresponsible drunks. In my opinion, if he had an extra hundred dollars AFTER necessities were paid for, he should take me and the child out for dinner or something. But he chooses not to. I worry that if you feel you have control of "everything" you could be setting yourself up for future devestation in your own life. One thing I have learned through experience and therapy is that you can "NOT" own someone elses problems. It is not my fault he has these problems, it is his fault!

I don't think it is really fair that you suggest that "I" am the one who has to make things work and that "I" am the one who needs to know for a fact that I have what it takes to keep things going before I ever marry again. Well you know it is like when you are in a row boat...when 2 people are paddling to get to a destination, it WILL work. But let one person stop and see what happens. You just start spinning in circles. And this would be ok if they only stopped briefly but when they have decided they are ok with just spinning and are too lazy to put in enough effort, then your doomed. This is not acceptable to me, nor is it fair to my child.

"If their behavior is distuctive to themselves or to your relationship, why do you idley sit by and watch it happen? Why not help your husband see that his behavior is ruining your marriage (as you say)? Communication is the key to creating a happy environment conducive for marriage."
Please tell me... what more can I do... I have tried everything I am capeable of doing, all with no success. I even go to alanon which don't do much for me but anyhow....basically I guess I was under the impression that I married an adult, not a child.

I am really at my wits end here and to be honest with you all, it is affecting my health and my self esteem. Is it worth risking my well being to have things keep blowing up in my face and also for the well being of my daughter. Is it fair that she sits up at night worrying that he will get into an accident someplace and kill himself. I do my best to hide things from her but she knows a lot more than I care to admit, kids are not stupid! Should I explain to her that this is all "my" fault and "I" have to find a way to make him stop? That would be a great lesson to teach her wouldn't it?? What shall we call this lesson??? How to be a doormat 101????

Wierd thing is that I know he loves me and her, but his alcoholism and lying contoll him and his behaviours. I think it basically boils down to what I will accept for happiness. MegHurts I wish you could walk in my shoes for just 1 day. Your outlook may be a little different or at least not so naieve.

PS-I was not married twice, only to this man. The first relationship ended after he started getting physically abusive with me.

Thanks to all who replied...please don't think I am terrible, I just want to feel happiness, and if that means a divorce, well then I guess that is what will have to happen.

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Old 10-05-2002, 11:48 AM   #10
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Hi again MegHurts!

I was just reading the women's sexual health forum and I couldn't help but noticing some very helpful posts you made on the topic "Not attracted to hubby anymore"

Now I am very confused on where you stand on issues. What it sounded like you were saying to me is totally opposite to the advise you were giving this lady.

I am sorry if I misinterpreted what you were saying to me. I am just confused!
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Old 10-05-2002, 04:01 PM   #11
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I (and I have 3 sisters) was a daughter who worried about my father driving drunk. With me in the car.

Do you have any family close by? Maybe someone that you and your daughter could stay with for a few days and think things out? Living with an alcoholic is very difficult. Remember that he won't give up drinking unless he is ready to do so for himself. Have you looked into alanon? Sometimes just having others to talk to who are going through a similiar experience helps. Keep posting here.

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Old 10-05-2002, 07:31 PM   #12
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I dunno there Mel. I've been following your posts for a while and I know the alcohol is a big deal. Sorry you are in this spot.

Good news is that being single is great. Being a single parent is even better. No fussing, fighting or arguments. Life when single is peaceful and quiet. If you wind up that way I hope you find it to your liking.


Everything can be just fine in the end. Regardless of your marital status in the future things can still be OK. It ain't about who yer with....... it's about who you are inside!
Good luck,
Bruce

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Old 10-05-2002, 07:43 PM   #13
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I think the only thing you can really do is learn from your mistakes and move on. If you get a divorce, don't be passive and enter a co-dependent relationship in the future. And like others have said, you have to get rid of the negative attitude. Because if you carry it along with you, you will be bitter if another relationship doesn't work. You have to roll with the punches and just enjoy the single life. Have fun dating if you re-enter that scene and it's important not to hold any expectations.

And you didn't scare me off from marriage...I felt it was pointless for years.

 
Old 10-05-2002, 09:33 PM   #14
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Maybe Meghurts was using reverse psychology on you. Maybe she was using the same arguments to you that you've been using on yourself, and hearing someone else ask those questions is giving you the strength to see that you've done everything you can; he is just not worth your devotion. I was once in a very similar situation... married, children... After trying everything, I finally asked myself, would HE put up (from me) with 1/10th of what he's put ME through? As soon as I asked myself the question, I knew the answer was "no." I never looked back with regret after that.

 
Old 10-06-2002, 05:17 AM   #15
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About being single and being a single parent being great. It isn't. I have been single for over 5 years now. While I have a boyfriend, there is no one to discuss things with when I get home from work. No one to help me decide what to do with kids. No one else to help with homework or to cook dinner or even stay with kids so I can go out for a walk or a ride. No one to help financially, to either take a second job or to be home so you can take a second job. Both of my daughters play soccer and both have games this Tuesday at 4:00 pm, one hour apart driving distance. How do I choose which game to go to?

There is no one else there when you are scared in the middle of the night because you heard a noise and several houses in town have been broken into. No one else to take the car to the garage. No one to share your children's triumphs with. And the list goes on.

Yes, there are wonderful things about being single, too. I am the only one who writes checks. I decide what we eat for dinner. I can take up the whole bed. I can paint the walls any color that I want. I have learned how to clean the chimney, light the pilot, use duct tape and baler twine! I have learned who I am and what I am capapble of.

For me, I went from living with my parents to being married to being Mom within a few months time. I have spent the last 5 years finding out who I am. I wish I had done it before I married.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that life is not easy being single, nor is it easy being in a bad marriage. I have done both. If you and your husband split up, things won't magically get better, it takes a lot of work, but you can do it.
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