How do I get over my fear of rejection? - Relationship Health Message Board

steeplechase3k · 12-20-2002, 10:35 PM

I've had this problem for a long time. I keep meeting really nice women and becomming attracted to them both physicaly and emotionaly. Many of them I've gotten to know well, and becomming friends with them. However I just can't seem to tell them how I really feel.

One recently was a woman that I worked with. We started going out to coffee after work and then later would go out and drink after work. We'd even see eachother sometimes on the weekends, and I started to really like her, but no mater how much time I was with her I just couldn't tell her how I felt about her. There were several times we'd be sitting at the bar and and sit there thinking 'darn it just tell her how you feel' but I never was able to. About 8 months ago she moved across the country and we havn't really talked much or e-mailed so I guess she didn't have the same feelings for me, but anyway onto the more recent woman . . .

This is a more complicated situation. I volunteer with Habitat for Humanity here in Portland and have gotten to know on of the AmeriCorp construction site managars that has been working there for about a year and a half now. I've know her just less than a year at this point. But over the past, well over 6 months, I've developed a big crush on her. What makes this the most painful is that I see her just once a week, so I end up thinking about her most of the week and then being unable to tell her how I feel about her. I've come close a few times, but never had the guts. I sometimes get the feeling that she is also interested in me, but then the next weekend she'll be very cold towards me. Then a few weeks later she'll be really friendly, then later she's very warm again. I think that may be part of my problem, I'm not very good at 'reading' her to so when she's really warm I get sloser to getting the guts, then one week she is very cold, so I begin to think she isn't interested.

Should I jsut come out and tell her how long I've been interested in her by sainf "I've wanted to say this for a long time, but never had the guts. I've been unable to get you off my mind for a long time."

I truth I don't really know here that well, we have only talked off of the job site a few times. She seems to be a very different person off the site than on, and I really just want to get to know her better to see if I really have these feeling that I think I have, but I don't even have the gutst to tell her that I want to get to know her off the site.

What do I do!

Thanks!

hulagirl · 12-21-2002, 04:15 AM

The only thing to FEAR, is FEAR it self...
By you not telling these women how you feel your passing them up..
Your not going to get over rejection until you FACE IT.
Your scared to confront these women with your feelings because your affraid of rejection. Yet your not being rejected..Your not even getting that far..
By you having this fear it sounds as if you have passed up atleast a few relationships. You weren't rejected and your still not with any of them..I think that is a much worse feeling then being rejected because you never know what could have happened if you had tried.
You never asked..Instead of going through life wondering what could have been..Take the chance and ask..
What is the worst that could happen?
She say's no... oh, well...I think it better then never knowing and wasting your time day dreaming about what could have been or if they like you..
If she says yes..well that was worth it don't you think?
Life is to short...Nothing just happens to us in life..We have to make it happen..Your dream woman isn't going to knock on your door and ask you out! You have to find her or atleast try to find her..
Good luck on your search...
Don't let the next one pass you by with out trying..
HuLa

jasmine30 · 12-21-2002, 10:52 AM

Hi Steeplechase,
I have to know,were you deeply hurt by a previous girlfriend?There is something causing you to be afraid of rejection.We are all faced with this fear from time to time.If I were you the next time you see this woman I would go up to her and smile and say,"Hi then her name and then tell her,I was wondering if you might like to go to lunch today or tomorrow."Start out slow and build from there.The more you communicate the easier you will feel.All the best to ya guy!

Jasmine

Lindarella · 12-21-2002, 11:26 AM

I think, at this point, telling her how you feel is premature. You said you really didn't know her that well. Coming right out and saying you have a crush might scare her. Also, you're somewhat living in a fantasy of how you EXPECT her to be, not how she really MAY be. You may not like her at all once you make this reality.

That being said, I think you should ask her on a date. That will convey to her that you're more interested and also give you the opportunity to see if you really do like her better. You could say something to the effect, "I see you here all the time. Would you be interested in going out to dinner on Friday?" I know it's scarey but just think that this whole conversation will last less than 5 minutes. She'll either say no and maybe give an excuse or she'll be delighted and say yes. While you're at dinner, if you find out she is everything you expected her to be, you can slip in that you've been wanting to ask her for a long time but that you're shy. If it turns out she's not for you then she'll never need to know how you felt. Either way, you win.

A lot of men seem to end up in "friend status" by not being open. You need to search within yourself or maybe with the aid of a counselor, to find out just why you have this phobia about rejection. It isn't as tough as you're making it out to be in your mind. Your life won't end if someone says no. Chicks dig honesty.

When you take the chance of opening up the very worse thing that could happen is that the woman wouldn't feel the same as you. She may tell you she doesn't. I can gaurantee that she'll be flattered no matter how she feels about you. How can any of us help but be flattered when someone finds us attractive?

Give it a shot. Work up the courage to ask. Even if she says no, take it as practice. By keeping on, you'll eventually not let that special one slip away. Good luck.

dsheldon3 · 12-21-2002, 11:29 AM

Don't let the times when she is cold get you down.She is probably just going through PMS that day or could just be having a bad day.