should i say something? - Relationship Health Message Board

feelingbad · 12-21-2002, 10:14 AM

hi to everyone, thanks for being here. i'm not sure exactly what i should do. i've been seperated from my wife for almost 5 years. within the last year we have become friends again. i still have strong feelings for her, and she knows that, but that is a different story. well to the point... she has a live in boyfriend, and thru mutual friends, i've heard that he's just using her, and has been disrespecting her, but nobody will say anything to her about it. as a friend, i should say something, however as a sometime to be ex husband, i don't want it to look like i'm trying to break them up. there is so much more to this story, conversations etc... i don't want to open my mouth, and end the friendship we have, but on the other hand, i don't want to see her with someone who doesn't appreciate her, or respect her. i don't know what to do.

Autumn Angel · 12-21-2002, 10:48 AM

That is a tough one. But I dont understand why these mutual friends dont mention it to her. I dont know your whole story so feel free to add a few things here. I dont see any reason after 5 years that it would be taken wrong if you gently warn her and let her know you got this info from others you didnt just make it up to cause trouble. Even if you tell her to watch for the signs at least you will feel beter that you have put her on her guard. Its nice you can mantain a friendship after all this time. I too like to stay friendly with my ex's after all thats what you were before anything else was friends. You do what you feel is right and best of luck.

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Cheers
Autumn

Lindarella · 12-21-2002, 10:59 AM

Quote:

i'm not sure exactly what i should do. i've been seperated from my wife for almost 5 years--she has a live in boyfriend

Get a divorce.

Sounds like she's moved on huh? Can't get any more moved on than living with someone else.

Quote:

i don't want to open my mouth, and end the friendship we have, but on the other hand, i don't want to see her with someone who doesn't appreciate her, or respect her

Notice all the "i don't want" in that sentence? It's not about what YOU want. She's a grown woman with eyes of her own, capable of making her own decisions. Obviously SHE wants to be with him, disrespect and all. You should keep quiet. She's made her decision.

maryett · 12-21-2002, 03:52 PM

Don't tell her, because you will look like the villain and not the de-facto. Didn't you both break up? So doesn't she have the right to an independent life without you trying to tell her what to do with her life like you're still her husband (well technically you still are but you know what I mean)? You can't just go and say whatever you feel like to her and try to control her decisions just because you were married. You just have to stand back until she realises what's going on (if she does), and then you can try to reconcile with her if she's interested.

janedoe1301 · 12-21-2002, 11:48 PM

Lindarella and Chinchilla are right - it's not your life. I know it's really hard to be a bystander, but in this case, you aren't an objective friend. The only way you would have a right to intervene is if you have children with her and they are living in the midst of the boyfriend's disrespect of their mother. Otherwise, their isn't really anything you can do. At most, you could maybe encourage one of your mutual friends to talk to her about it, as long as they don't tell her it was your suggestion...