Im going MAD!!! HELP! - Relationship Health Message Board

Samisunrider · 12-29-2002, 04:42 AM

If you have the time PLEASE read this. Its from my girlfriend, we've been dating 2 years now and it explains it all.

"Basically to start off with, you know I have a few issues regarding paranoia. Now it's difficult to explain, but I can't ****ing stand it, to
put it bluntly. I have NEVER been like this EVER, and this whole thing about other girls, is not only detrimental to our relationship, it's having
a seriously bad effect on my self-esteem. We've already been through this a million times, and there are a few things you have to understand. First of
all, my paranoia doesn't stem from the fact that I think you'll leave me, or cheat on me - so don't think that. Actually I don't think it has anything
to do with our relationship. It's about what I think about myself, and when I know that you find other girls attractive, that makes me feel bad. And
that isn't going to stop. That's basically it, and
it's explaining a situation that we've been through lots of times, but at the end of the day, to be honest, as selfish as it is. I want to be the
ONLY girl you look at, and think is attractive - now that isn't going to happen, and I accept that, but that's the bottom line. I'm not jealous of
any girls you find attractive, I'd be jealous if they were good friends of yours and you went out with them a lot, I'm merely frustrated that you are
'attracted' to other girls, if it's only her eyes that you think are beautiful. It's strange because when you think a girl is pretty, I think she's a million
times better than she is. Before we went out, I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Im not asking to be the only and most attracitve girl for you, or the one with the best job - I just want to be happy. And don't get me wrong - you make me very happy, and you can't do anything more but it's a little like the paranoia - I have to deal with it. And another thing, don't say "that's your issue" (you've said that countless times), because that makes me feel lonely."

Now let me sum up quickly my point of view. Im quite simply besotted with her. Shes the most attractive girl ive ever seen, i tell her that honestly, i cant keep my hands from her, we have a wonderful sex life and i always make sure i dish out a healthy dose of compliments regarding her looks and signs that she's the only one for me. WHAT IS GOING ON?!??!

Griffy · 12-29-2002, 11:58 AM

First, I am going to break the most important aspects of this post down for you.

You made reference at the end of your post in regard to sex - "we have a wonderful sex life." I'm sorry, but that will never hold up as substantial evidence in accordance to the time old myth of the average typical male that (If I'm good in bed, that's all that matters). A good and healthy sex life does not take president over a females emotional feelings. You have to realize that your sex life plays no role in her 'as you would say' "Her problem."

Furthermore, you also stated in your post "And another thing, don't say "that's your issue" (you've said that countless times), because that makes me feel lonely." I would not rank such a comment as mean nor disrespectful. It's just downright cruel and displays the textbook definition of a typical male. If you love her, care for her (Truly) then you would help her with it and not just write it off as her problem.

"Now it's difficult to explain, but I can't ****ing stand it, to
put it bluntly. I have NEVER been like this EVER." Thing's change when you actually know for a fact your 100% in love with a person. I know this from experience. I dated a girl for 3 years, she was 1 grade ahead of me in highschool. When she graduated and went to college, we had been dating for 8 months. The summer before she went to a college 2 hours away, I came to realize I was 100% in love with her. Thoughts of which never crossed my mind before 'started making me paranoid.' I constantly worried about her meeting a better guy at college, cheating on me etc. etc. So her paranoid feelings may have became more intense because her feelings for you have as well.

"I'm merely frustrated that you are 'attracted' to other girls, if it's only her eyes that you think are beautiful. It's strange because when you think a girl is pretty, I think she's a million times better than she is." It's natural for a person to feel threatened by another of which displays qualities that we don't have and want. This can be a problem when your partner is around because what she thinks she needs to be perfect in her own mind, can be, what she thinks will make you view her as perfect.

I'm not going to waist my time and explain the rest to you. You need to realize that her feelings may have changed for you. They may have become stronger, hence she is more afraid of loosing you then she was before. Just tender to her needs, communicate with her and ask questions. "What can I do to make you feel more secure?". As I said before, I had the same problem with my X girlfriend and it passed with time, so, it might do the same with your girlfriend.

Better yet, has she been diagnosed by an M.D with paranoia?

badgirl · 12-29-2002, 12:37 PM

I would like to ask if you are bringing on the paranoia. When you are out in public do you "gawk" at girls or make comments in her presence or even when you are at home and watching TV, etc? There seems to be a reason. This my opinion, Badgirl

Samisunrider · 12-29-2002, 12:55 PM

Ok im probably going to get a hail of abuse for saying this but it's not me looking at other girls, if anything i stare at the ground if i see one JUST to keep my girlfriend in a good mood but she has a lot of girl cousins and they all seem to find me attractive. A lot of her friends have also said this and although at first she liked it and would tell me jokingly i think now she's getting rather defensive about it.
I do understand where you coming from but i got to say i honestly do everything both in public and alone together to stop her paranoia

Griffy · 12-29-2002, 01:48 PM

You have to understand that your words of assurance will only provide assistance, to a certain extent, in aspects to her worries. You care for her, therefore she will only see it as logical for you to say something that's not true, just to avoid hurting her feelings.

As I'm sure, you have had someone ask you a question of which could render an answer from you that would hurt a them. Yet you tell them 'what they want to hear' to avoid a bad confrontation. She hears what your saying, but in the back of her head she's thinking "What if he's just saying this to make me feel better?" hence, making her paranoia worse.