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Old 12-13-2002, 02:40 PM   #1
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Agatha77 HB User
Question How do I end this affair?

I really have no one I can share this with, so here I am exposing my ugly deeds on a message board in hopes of getting some kind of helpful advice. I already know that having an affair is a horrible thing and feel guilty just as I should. However, I'm hoping I can get some constructive feedback rather than harsh criticisms. So at the risk of being blasted for my poor judgment, here it goes...

I'm married and have been having an affair with a close friend of mine on and off for nearly a year. I say on and off because I have tried to end it more times than I can count. Every time I try to break it off he continues to pursue the relationship. I'm always weak and give in to him time and time again (I guess because of my emotional attachment to him). It would of course be easier if I could just stop talking to him or seeing him all together. Perhaps then I could swear him off for good. However, he is not only friends with me - he is friends with my husband as well. We all hang out together on a weekly basis. So how would I explain not wanting to be around him at all anymore? Wouldn't that seem suspicious? I know some people may believe that you can't clear the air until you've admitted your wrongdoings. But I could never confess the affair to my husband because it would rip his heart out. Yes, I know I've risked causing him that pain by my actions already but I really do want to avoid hurting him (and avoid a divorce). I just want to end the affair and put it behind me and never look back. I just don't know how to do this.

People always want to know why someone would decide to have an affair. (Not like any reason justifies the behavior.) But all I can say is that this other guy gives me so much affection and attention and makes me feel so loved. I'm not going to lie. Our marriage may appear fine on the surface but things certainly aren't wonderful. I love my husband but he has changed over the years and he doesn't show me much affection these days (unless it's going to lead to sex of course). I guess that's what prompted the affair to begin with, a feeling that something was lacking in my marriage - that feeling of loneliness despite my relationship with my husband. I know it's no excuse. I know it's wrong. But I figured I should at least share where I'm coming from. Perhaps there is someone out there who can understand.

Even though our marriage isn't perfect, I'm determined to make it work. I don't want to leave him for this other guy. I want to end the affair and be faithful to my husband like he deserves. But the fact that my husband is friends with him and we all spend time together regularly just complicates matters. I don't feel like I can end this affair for good unless I stay away from him. Any wise advice for a foolish woman?

 
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Old 12-13-2002, 02:55 PM   #2
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jasmine30 HB User
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Agatha,
Dear your in a tight spot.An even tighter spot because you've been having an affair with a close friend of your husbands.I would be concerned that if you ended the affair,the guy would try to destroy your marriage.I say this due to the feeling that the other man has developed a strong attachment to you and dont want to let you go.I would say you have a few choices..

1)Proceed to end the relationship again and it successfully end with OR without the man causing conflict.

2)Come clean with your husband open up the communication barriers and tell him why you started having the affair.Ask him to go to marriage counseling so you can work this out

I cant judge you,I wouldnt judge you...had it been me I would of found other ways to add the spice back in my marriage before opting for an affair.Its emotionally painful to not get that tenderness from a mate but its damaging to suffer the consequences of cheating.I truly think your up chit creek without a paddle.

Jasmine

 
Old 12-13-2002, 06:23 PM   #3
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Agatha, I agree with Jasmine. A lot of women suffer from the lack of attention from their mates married or bf or GF. This is very damaging in a relationship. But by experience, I would seek professional counseling and/or minister counseling before I would give up on my marriage. Sometimes things can be remedy just by letting the person know how you feel and what is lacking in your marriage. If this does not work, get out of your marriage before it happens again. Because if you are not getting attention at home, you probably will seek it again from someone else. But I certainly would end this affair, seek help, and then if it can't be worked out, please get out of your marriage before long drawn out consequences. So much hurt is and will be involved. The longer you pursue this affair, the worse it will be on everyone. It will eat at you every day of your life. I hope you don't have children! Let us know, Badgirl

 
Old 12-14-2002, 08:32 AM   #4
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daylight568 HB User
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No need to bring it up with your husband.He probably already knows anyway.Keep your friendship.JUST SAY "NO" TO SEX!

Maybe you could try to set your husbands friend up with another girl .

[This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 12-14-2002).]

 
Old 12-14-2002, 08:38 PM   #5
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mydog8mybrain HB User
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Oh man - this sounds like a hard spot. I hope you can end things quietly and just sort of let the outside relationship taper off.

Is your lover married? I assume that he is not. I too would worry that your lover would make problems for you in your marriage if things don't go his way.

I would vote for not telling your husband. No need to inflict pain if it can be avoided.

Good luck.
Bruce

------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

 
Old 12-15-2002, 12:18 AM   #6
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*SoccerMom* HB User
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Agatha77~
You are really in a tough position. I also think that the other guy will tell all since he doesn't want to end it. I have often tried to figure out what happens in a marriage that makes spouses have affairs. I have been cheated on and was in the dark (although everyone else knew) I don't know if things would have ended any differently if he would have come clean before I finally caught him (and left him- 8 months pregnant!). I just think that regardless of how horrible your marriage may seem, you do owe him some answers. I hope that you will tell him everything (especially what made you crave this sort of attention but be careful where you place the blame). Hope it will all work out for you. I know that sometimes we say we would know if our spouses were cheating but that isn't always the case. I also know that we often say we would never put up with our spouses having affairs, but I have friends who have "lived through" affairs with their spouses with a lot of counselling and work. Best of Luck to you!

 
Old 12-15-2002, 12:21 AM   #7
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Yikes, this is a tough one!

Regarding the weekly get-together, can you find something else to do at the time you're both supposed to meet up with him - some sort of regular commitment that takes you away? Perhaps you could do some volunteer or casual work or take up a course in something. Just something like that, that wouldn't look suss to your husband? And after a while perhaps it will just become the two of them as friends and not the three of you.

And to end the relationship with the other guy gently, just really gradually start tapering things off with him so it's really gentle? Start filling up your time with commitments and becoming unavailable - just for a few months until the relationship dies a natural death from neglect. I think a little sweat and hard labour in the short term is worth it. Or do something that makes him want to dump YOU. Like become a slob around him or just generally change and become someone that turns him off.

I agree it might not be a good idea to tell the hubby because there is a good chance it will destroy the marriage you have decided you want to keep.

 
Old 12-15-2002, 04:57 AM   #8
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Quote:
I just want to end the affair and put it behind me and never look back. I just don't know how to do this.
What part don't you know how to do? Just tell the guy that you don't want to anymore....

Quote:
But all I can say is that this other guy gives me so much affection and attention and makes me feel so loved.
Of COURSE he does. He's getting free sex with no stings. How convienient for him. You're being used. If you wouldn't have sex with him, how great of pals do you suspect he'd be?

Listen, nearly any guy would do what this guy is doing. I think you're deceiving yourself if you think this other guy is great. He's not. He's a liar and a sneak (and so are you). What great traits...I'm not saying that to be mean, just honest. You're both lying and deceiving a person who you both claim to love.

All marriages hit the spots you're talking about. All relationships get to a point where you've heard all the stories and things settle into a normal pattern. Some people take this as a sign that the relationship is going sour and start looking for other people to fill this need.

If I were in your shoes. I'd tell the other guy that you are through with this deception. Then I'd spend that time trying to figure out ways to make the relationship that I have better.

It can work out even seeing him all the time. I worked at the same place everyday with my ex-husband.



 
Old 12-15-2002, 06:41 AM   #9
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Agatha77, I had to go the other day, something came up while I was in the middle of answering your post. My story: I was married for about five years when I became involved with someone at work. This lasted for about six months. He wasn't married. He just caught me at a bad time when I needed attention from my husband. Anyway, he would call me at work and we would meet at work and his place. I will never forget the last time I saw him. I couldn't believe it. He was talking marriage and I thought to myself what was I doing to him, myself, and my husband. How selfish could I be. What was wrong with me. Someone could even get hurt or killed in the process. This was not the actual person I was morally or biblically. So I decided to end it, because I knew in my heart I wasn't going to leave my husband, I loved my husband and I really just thought of the other guy as someone who could give me attention, nothing else. I finally woke up. So the way I ended it was I didn't answer any of his calls at work or see him again. Boy am I glad. Best thing that ever happened to me. My husband never did find out. So anyway I am older and wiser now. No more involvements for me, this was pure hell!! Good luck and God Bless, Badgirl

 
Old 12-15-2002, 11:01 AM   #10
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timetotransform HB User
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Agatha-

A friend of mine was the other man in an affair that lasted for years. The married woman initiated it and always said wanted the meetings, etc., so my friend just kept it up. He needed the contact with a woman, but now he regrets it terribly. It kept him from dating available women during his entire 20s. He missed the best time of his life to develop a real relationship that would last. Now he's 39, never married, and although he's never said as much to me, I bet he wishes he could get that time back. He didn't have anyone to take home during the holidays, to take out with friends, etc. So, do this guy a favor and tell him you are ending it for his good as well as yours. He needs to be with an available woman, not a married one.

I really hope things go smoothly. Saying no does help, but explaining why you are saying no, that it's in his best interests, and sticking to that should go a long way. My friend did that and the married woman finally focused on her marriage and got counseling. I suggest that for you two as well. Whether you tell your husband or not, I can't address. Maybe you should see the counselor separately and as a couple??

TTT

 
Old 12-16-2002, 01:29 PM   #11
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wrin HB User
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No, no. I disagree with not telling him. There's a couple reasons for this, but for starters...

asking how to stop an affair is like asking how to quit smoking. You quit smoking by not putting the damn things in your mouth.

You quit an affair the same way.

You should tell your husband. I can see this guy possibly getting jealous or insulted if you refuse to pursue it with him (I think he knows you're weak, as you put it, and would be apt to start manipulating you to keep getting what he wants) ... consequently I can see him turning around and coming clean to your husband about it.

If you were your husband, which would you rather hear? "I'm sorry I betrayed you, I still love you," or "guess what, I was screwing your wife?"

The point here being that you'll be in trouble either way, and to assume your husband won't find out is terribly naive. You need to tell him yourself, he needs to know this before you can fix your relationship.

Go for counselling. If he won't go with you, go alone. You sound like you suffer from a lack of self-esteem that means that you need someone else to validate your self-worth as a person and that this is something detrimental to your marriage. Seek help to get around it because without getting around it you'll never be able to resist him for long.

 
Old 12-17-2002, 09:39 AM   #12
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Lady^ HB User
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Have you talked to this other guy about how you feel? Everyone is assuming that he'll get ****** off and tell your husband if you break it off with him. I don't think that's necessarily true. Of course, it could happen but not necessarily. I think you should talk to the guy, tell him how you feel. See what he says. I mean, you don't have too many choices, do you? 1. Either keep on having the affair, 2. break it off and tell your husband, 3. break it off and don't tell your husband and take a chance he finds out, 4. talk to the guy and see how he feels since avoiding him doesn't seem to be an option. If he is truly a friend then he won't cause trouble.

 
Old 12-17-2002, 11:57 AM   #13
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Hi Aggatha,

I know exactly what you are going through, I, myself am going through the same thing. After being married for 5 years I never thought I would cheat on my husband, but I was experiencing the exact same feelings as you, I felt that I wasn't getting the attention that I needed. I never planned for this to happen but it did, and yes I feel very guilty about it too, but like you said he makes me feel so much better, he makes me feel really special and loved. I also know in my heart that this is totally wrong, and have also tried to end the relationship a couple of times unsuccessfully. The times I have tried to end it, I've been unable to stop thinking about him, I just crave his tenderness so bad that I have to give in. Now we don't see each other as often but I am constantly thinking of him. I am sorry that I cannot give you much advise, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. Hope we can help each other! ( by the way you can read my first post "need to confess" I posted it some time back because I didn't know who I could talk to, however no one replied, I guess because I wasn't asking for any advice. I just wanted some feedback.) Good Luck!
Deedee

 
Old 12-17-2002, 12:38 PM   #14
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I think you should come clean with your husband. Its rough, sure, and you're taking a big chance with your marriage, but I think by not telling him you're being selfish. You aren't worried about hurting him, you're worried about being alone.

Tell your husband. Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you. And listen to how he feels. This is no longer about you & what you feel like you're missing. This is going to be about him and his feelings of betrayal. Yes, you should both state clearly what you'd like to see happen in your new relationship, but you've had your fun. Now its time to pay the piper.
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Old 12-17-2002, 12:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by chinchilla:
Yikes, this is a tough one!


I agree it might not be a good idea to tell the hubby because there is a good chance it will destroy the marriage you have decided you want to keep.

So she should decided whether this marriage goes on or not? What about him? Put yourself in his shoes.,,I say put it out there, you should both have the opportunity to decide whether you'll stay married or not.Don't just put it away.,,it'll come back to haunt you.
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