Breaking Up - Relationship Health Message Board

MissieMouse · 12-29-2002, 12:21 PM

I'm writing here today because I'm so unsure of what I have gotten myself into and I seek advice. I believe that I am unhappy in my current relationship which I have invested (and he - as well) nearly 4 years in. I have entertained thoughts of leaving. He is kind of controlling and manipulative so I believe it to be in my best interest to leave because most nights he has me in tears. He puts so many conditions on everything and I'm unsure if normal people do the same thing. For instance, he won't marry me until I get a job, go to college, and begin my career. A job I can get but he doesn't want me to work at McDonald's or at the mall. So, my choices are somewhat limited. He puts conditions on sex! 4 years and we still haven't had sex. He tells me I am too young and stuff like that, but I am 22 years old...been with him since I was 18 (nearly 19)...He is 37. He tells me constantly that I need to be independent, because I am very dependent on him.

I'm faced with a decision and I think I've already made it, it's just getting from that point to the next. I feel as if I have to leave our 4 year (nearly) relationship behind. I don't know how to do it. I've thought about telling him outright I want a "divorce" so to speak.....I've also considered telling him I needed a few days alone to think...I've also considered leaving him a note while he was at work and leaving it at that. How does one break up with another human being? Does it always hurt this much? I've even considered giving him an ultimatum, but it just doesn't feel right. I can't stop crying, especially at night, when I think about how much I'm going to hurt him. I do love him deeply, but I hate him when he comes home from work and lectures me about not getting the house clean. I need to leave....we are unequally yoked, and I need to do something about it.

How do I leave a man that I do love deeply, but do not believe there is a match.

I don't know what else to do.

MonkeyBarSoup

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~Shared joy is doubled joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.~

Samisunrider · 12-29-2002, 12:48 PM

Im a guy, only 20 but ill offer you what wisdom i can. Me and especially my father sound a lot like your man. We are somewhat control freaks and its hard to come to terms with this. My mother finds it so hard to talk and even make sense sometimes to my overbearing father but they have gotten through it for 20+ years now and although have their tiffs seem to be ok. My advice from them would be to make him well aware of what hes putting you through. Show him what pain he's caused but without it escalating into an argument, try to keep it calm and controlled. My father is usually enlightened briefly of the situation at this stage and tries to change his ways to improve the situation. If you can't see him at least trying, i suggest you go.
But do let him try. Everyone deserves that.

ravekane · 12-29-2002, 02:04 PM

Hi I"m sorry that you are in so much pain. You have to leavehim. 4 yrs without SEX? Wow that is extremely Odd. I would say talk to him and tell him that you are NOT happy w/ him anymore, tell him that if things don't change that you will end up leaving him for good. I personally think that he's too OLD for you I mean your 22 your supposed to be enjoying your youth for pete's sake. Go out have fun!! Do you have friends who are your age? What exactly do you do if you don't work? do u wait on him hand and foot? YOU are too young to become a housewife?
I don't know if I helped but I think we need more information about what is going on here before you decide.

manderee · 12-29-2002, 02:47 PM

Hi Missi, wow you haven't gotten yourself into quite a realtionship. From what you are saying, I would have to say that he is treating you like a child and likes having it that way. You are too young to be going through this and need to get out while you can and start your life over. Get a job at McDonalds or the mall if you want, this is your life not his. He is going to keep pushing you down emotionally because he has control over you and that is not good. You are so young and have so much living and learning to do and staying with him will only deprive you of learning what a normal loving realtionship is. Listen to your heart and do what you think is best, if you have been seriously thinking of leaving then it would be best for you. I will be praying for you and I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Take Care and God Bless.
Mandee

maryett · 12-29-2002, 05:51 PM

This sounds like a father-daughter relationship. He is not treating you like an equal, he is treating you like a child. You really must break it off with him now. Find a new boyfriend similar to your own age before he takes away all your self-esteem and confidence. You mustn't let any man get away with treating you that way.