Problems with a 6 month marriage...Please help! - Relationship Health Message Board

Greeno · 12-23-2002, 03:56 PM

My wife is having some issues that I'd like to know if other women on this page can understand. This is the deal. I can't understand this change of heart. It really bothers me that I even have to talk about this subject so early in my marriage about someone I thought was my soulmate.

About 2 mos ago, my wife breaks down while her parents flew down to visit and tells me that she doesn't know why but she doesn't feel for me the same way she used to. While crying, she says that she has been "distant" over the past month for a reason. If she was, I couldn't tell except for in the bedroom, but ever since she started taking the pill years ago, her sex drive has gone down anyway. She tells me that she loves me, but feels like she is NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. She says she doesn't know if she should of gotten married when she did. A lot of doubt in her mind to say the least. Does this make any sense?

We're in our mid 20s, both have great jobs and we've been together since the beginning of college. We were together 5 years before getting engaged and everything was great.
UNTIL--
Her grandmother died of natural causes 2 mos before the wedding and then the big one. Her brother died 1 1/2 weeks before the wedding of complications from his handicap. We drove back to our home state 6hrs to be there before he passed on but were 2 hours too late. She took it hard on the surface for a few days and everybody assured her that the wedding was going to be a happy time and it would help her grieving to have something happy come out of something bad. We buried him, I was a pallbearer with the family, and she seemed as she took it well and concentrated on the wedding. We went on a fabulous honeymoon on a carribean cruise and bought a house shortly thereafter and moved in. Everything was going real well. Then she dropped that bomb. What gives?

Im not the perfect guy but I consider myself to be a good husband. we had a great sex life, i don't drink, smoke, or am abusive to her. I treat her like a lady. Maybe I didn't say love you everyday but I spoke with actions more than words. She is my best friend. We have years of pictures and experiences, good and bad, together. I don't want this to ruin our marriage. She doesn't know what is making her feel this way but I suspect it's all the stressors right before the wedding that she had to repress and it's all coming out now and I am getting the brunt of it.
We went to one session of counseling together and the counselor said the same thing. Now she is going by herself to a counselor. We haven't been intimate for almost two months because she says she doesn't have the desire for it right now, not with me, not with anybody. She's been three times to her counselor and she is still distant. Not the same girl that I married right now. Any help would be great. I don't have friends I can talk with about this. Thank you.

ravekane · 12-23-2002, 04:03 PM

Hello,

Those are some very harsh words to hear "i'm not in love w/ you". First off I feel very sorry for you and your situation. Some poeple don't realize that they have a good thing until its taken away from them.

Keep up the counseling w/ her or let her go alone. Mabye she's just stresed out and needs to work thru her own issues.

6 months is a short time, but you said you were together for 5 yrs? Is it that she felt rushed into getting married? I mean there has to be a reason she's feeling like this. I would jsut do my best to support her and try to make it work out, if it ends up not wroking I'm sure there are plenty other women who would lvoe to be married to you. ** basically try to make it work, but if she pushes you away there's not much else to say and do except move on **.
Good luck and God bless.

Blastoff9600 · 12-23-2002, 04:37 PM

Therapy takes longer than three sessions and in some cases it can take years before the person can work through their issues.
I have to agree that her problems probably stem from the events before the wedding. That is alot to supress just so the wedding can go as planned. It might have been in her best interests at that time to delay the wedding so she could have gone through the porper grieving process(but too late for that now). Give her time,I know it can be rough but chances are if you stay with her and help her work this out it will make your marriage even stronger.

momma2boys · 12-23-2002, 05:15 PM

Your wife sounds very depressed, understandably, but its great that shes going for counseling. The only advice I can give you is to hang in there and support her. Dont do anything you will regret by turning away from her or to someone else. She may be scared to be in love with you right now because she doesnt want to lose you too. I know its hard for you too, so if it gets too hard maybe you could talk to the counselor alone too .

EddieDean · 12-23-2002, 09:50 PM

How long have you been married?

I am so sorry that this is happening...it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship and she is just really struggling right now. It sounds like she has some major grief and guilt issues concerning the deaths before the wedding, but that she's manifesting those issues in her relationship with you. If your sex life has always been fine and suddenly she is stopping it with no change on your part, that says that there's a problem with HER, not with you.

I have a feeling that if you give her time, encourage counseling, and continue to be understanding and supportive as much as possible, things will resolve themselves. Hopefully she will come to realize that she is taking her grief and frustration out on you....and then she will see how you have always been there for her and will realize what a great "catch" she has! I hope this happens sooner then later, but I would give it some time and try to be as understanding as possible.

As I've said in other posts....women often superimpose their everyday feelings onto their relationship. I've done this before, and it only creates problems in a relationship that is otherwise fine. I bet (in time) she will realize her issues have nothing to do with you and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least say you were the best husband you could be.