Help, I think my mother is going nuts - Relationship Health Message Board

skylan · 04-14-2003, 07:22 AM

I need some advice.Four years ago my mother started being really cruel, saying natsy things to me and my 3 siblings. I'm the oldest, and we're all married.My dad died 12 years ago and mother remarried soon after. Mother is 73.
She thrives on negative things, and thinks its her way or the highway. I have tried to talk to her but it only makes things worse. I'm sure she has a problem but just don't know how to deal with it.I feel so sorry for my step dad, he just takes it. I can see where he has withdrawn from life. He's afraid to do anything in fear of a verbal attack from mother.
Please, any advice will be much appreciated.
Misty

sprout · 04-14-2003, 08:23 AM

Misty,

It is difficult to know how to handle the changes that we see in our aging parents. They can say hurtful things that leave us feeling angry and defensive. Does your mother have a regular physician that she sees? If so, it may not hurt if you speak with her doctor privately and let him know that you are concerned but do not wish for her to know that you have confided in him. Most times doctors will take the information that you have given them and speak with a patient in a way that helps them open up and discuss the issues without the patient being made aware of your contact with the doctor.

As for your step-father, it is wonderful to see that you are compassionate enough to care about how this is affecting him. I do not know how close you are to him, but now might be a good time to get to know him better and to be a source of support for him. I am sure that he is feeling the same way you and your siblings are and it would likely mean a great deal to him if you would let him see how much you care.

I wish all of you the best,

sprout

skylan · 04-14-2003, 09:04 AM

Sprout
Thanks so much for your caring reply.
Mother doesn't see a doctor accept in an emergency. She has no health problems.
I have tried to show my stepdad that we support him, but mother is always with him, and never can I speak with him on the phone without mother around. They are together 24/7. I've tried to get mothe to go places with me just to give my stepdad a break, but she thinks he can't survive without her, another thing that bothers all of us.
Our family is being torn apart because of her, and if we try to talk to her, she becomes very defensive.
How do you tell a parent they are out of control?
Mother has always been controling and before my dad died, she made his life a living hell.
Every time I talk to her it's always negative, and i have tried to tell her in a nice way I don't want to hear mean things about my children or grandchildren, but no one is spared.
Thanks so much
Misty

sprout · 04-14-2003, 10:50 AM

Big cyber hugs to you and your family misty!

Perhaps your family has reached a point where it may be necessary for all of you to come together and sit down for a long heart to heart. Talk to your mother in a loving and respectful tone. Let her know how her words and behaviors are affecting each of you. She may not realize just how hurtful she is being. If all of you work together and speak honestly, but gently to her, you may make some progress. Let her know that each of you is concerned and that all of you love her deeply. I am not sure if her husband will be able to be as open as the rest of you as he is the one that lives with her. However, perhaps he will open up if he sees that he is not alone and each of you are trying to help in a loving manner.

At your mother's age, I am sure she is set in her ways. However, if she sees how much each of you love her...she may be willing to break down and go to a doctor for some help. It may be something as simple as her hormone levels are not right. Has she ever taken any supplements to replace those hormones that are lost with menopause? This is just one possibility to consider. Her doctor would be better able to dig into it and find a solution.

Good luck to all of you,

sprout

P.S. Since your mother is always with your step-father...try something as subtle as a firm hug or a gentle squeeze of his hand when your mother becomes mean. This body language could speak volumes to him.

H.Kondriac · 04-14-2003, 07:08 PM

It sounds like she might have a medical problem. Has she gotten her thyroid checked? Thyroid problems can cause changes in behavior along with many other symptoms.