mother playing favourites - Relationship Health Message Board

yellow rose · 04-08-2003, 03:33 AM

Hi, I was just wondering if someone could please offer me some advice about my mother, and her favouristism toward my sister. When we were growing up, we basically had nothing, and lived with my grandmother, who supported us totally (my mother included). I was determined to get myself out of this hole, and went to University and graduated with an Honours degree. The whole time I was at Uni, I supported myself, working three jobs, no one ever gave me anything (especially encouragement). I now am happily married with two beautiful sons, and a very high paying job, and basically have everything I could have wished for. My sister on the other hand, left school early, and is now surviving week to week, in an unhappy marriage. The problem is my mother - she can't be happy for my success. She is extremely bitter toward me, and expects me to pay for everything for her, including her clothes. She says I am selfish and rude if I don't buy her things. If she babysits for me, even for 10 minutes, I am expected to pay her, but my sister leaves her daughter with her, often for full weekends while she has "girls weekends", and is not expected to pay one cent. It has even got to the point where my children are being treated badly by her, even to the point of being physically punished, and my sisters daughter being referred to as "the princess". I don't ever talk about money with anyone and don't flaunt it at all. I am wondering why I should be made to feel so bad when I am the one who got off my butt and educated myself, to get where I am today. No one gave me any help at all, instead I am made to feel guilty for being motivated. Can anyone help me?

#1Texan · 04-08-2003, 05:03 AM

Hi Yellow Rose
It sounds to me as if your Mom is jealous of your success, she holds resentment towards you and your kids. Maybe she feels like she failed at raising your sister, so in order to make up for that she treats her and her kids like royalty and you like scum.

First and formost..Stop letting her babysit your kids, even for 10 minutes, she could lose control and really hurt one of them.
Stop buying stuff for her, you are not obligated in any way to buy her stuff unless it is in a loving manner.

You sound like a smart girl and your Mom has no right to treat you like a second class citizen.
Take care of you and yours. Your Mom has some issues that she needs to work out on her own.
Don't fall into letting her make you feel guilty, if there is nothing to feel guilty for.

Good luck and keep on posting

Take Care

#1 Texan

chippie · 04-08-2003, 06:59 AM

It's so much easier for mom to resent your success and make herself a victim than it is for her to admit that she screwed up in raising your sister. Therefore, the sister and her kid are golden and you my dear, are the root of all evil. (I'm teasing) Put a stop to giving her money and buying her things and certainly don't leave your kids with her.

GinaLee · 04-08-2003, 07:01 AM

Oh this is a subject sooo close to my heart. Not only have I known others like you, I too have the same questions.

All I know is I would really want God to strike me dead if either of my son's felt that way about me. There are always times that one child needs more attention than the other(s) but it should always be balanced out over time.

I've asked my mother questions on questions what is with her and I get no answers...none that make any sense at least.

For me, it does provoke a lot of anger that takes much effort to let go.

You know you've done well Rose and you have much to be proud of. Concentrate on the people that show you and give you what you need and want and forget/ignore the ones who don't.

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Gina

coaned · 04-08-2003, 07:02 AM

I have to agree with #1Texan. I do think that your mother is jealous of your success. Maybe she feels like you think that you are above her even though you don't, and your sister is her equal and that is why she has a strong relationship with her.

Don't let her bring you down. You should be proud of yourself and how far you've come. Sure, buying her nice things for gifts, or maybe to show that you appreciate all the things that she does for you is fine...but her making you pay her to babysit is not doing a nice thing for you. She is the grandmother! I've never heard of a grandmother asking to be paid to babysit. I babysit for my neice all the time and would never ask to be paid for it. I do it because I love her, and enjoy spending time with her.

Find yourself a babysitter. Maybe there is a kid on your block that you can call over to babysit, anyone but your mother! This way you can prevent something bad from happening. Do not leave your children alone with her. You may not think that she's bad, and she may not be, but god forbid she takes her anger out on them.

She is jealous. I believe that jealousy is a root to evil, and can cause people to act out in ways that you would never expect from them. Let her and your sister hang around and feel sorry for themselves. You are not responsible for supporting your mother, like she believes. Stop worrying about it and carry on with your successful life, and enjoy the wonderful family you have. They are your first priority.

One last thing...how does your husband feel about all of this?