The Infamous Ring...when??? - Relationship Health Message Board

jeffsgal · 04-17-2003, 12:46 PM

Ok everyone. I'm not sure how any of you can help me out on this but maybe give me your two cents. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and four months. Normally he's not the type of guy I go for...in that (1) he's a bit older than the guys I'm used to dating and (2) he was married before. BUT he's the love of my life and the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. We talk about "when" we get married ALL THE TIME. I'm practically living with him right now...even though I still have my own apartment...I haven't stayed there in over a year!!! {it's a looong story on why I don't just move in...but I won't until we're married} We're with each other just about all the time except when he's at work or when I'm at work (he works mornings I tend to work nights 2-3 times a week). He's my everything as I know I'm his. His X wife cheated on him and wanted to end the marriage to be with the guy she was sleeping with on the side...so be it. I know he was devastated on the betrayal and I can understand where he is coming from...on not really wanting to rush into anything and get married now. He wants the next time to be the last time...and he tells me he's as sure as he can be right now that I'm the one. I would NEVER push marriage onto him...just don't want to be one of those women...especially with all that he's been through. I WANT to marry this guy. I can't wait until the day I'm his wife. The thing is there are days for whatever reason I wonder if it'll ever happen. Why would a guy talk about "when" we get married rather than "if" we get married one day if he never plans on getting married...and he's not getting any younger so why waste his time??? I JUST WANT THE RING!!!

sweetescape02 · 04-17-2003, 12:57 PM

I would give it some time. You said you don't want to push him into anything, so don't. If you sit back and look at it, a year and 4 months is not a long time to be together before marriage and that's what he may be thinking, especially after what his first wife did to him. My husband and I have both been married before but he was divorced for a little over 3 years when we got married and he wanted to get married the second my divorce was final and it was a bit overwhelming at first. We did end up marrying right after my divorce was final but it scared me that he pushed so hard. I have no regrets, though.

It sounds like he definitely wants to marry you, so let him ask you in his own time. Who knows why men act the way they do?

------------------
In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.

sprout · 04-17-2003, 01:03 PM

jeffsgal,

I can understand your desire to move on to the next level. However, it seems that your boyfriend just isn't ready to take that step yet...despite the fact that he finds it a very real possibility in the future.

I do not think that this is about *you*. This is about him and the defenses that he has built up as a result of a failed marriage. He has some reservations and understandably so. I can relate to him because I have serious reservations about getting married again in the future as well.

Besides, one year and four months of dating isn't an unusually long time for dating before marriage. My significant other and I have been dating for four years now and we have not made it down the aisle either. Yes, we have talked about it and both of us have the desire to go there eventually. However, I am the one that has held that up. There are various reasons why, however, the main one is that I do not want to get married again if there is even a small doubt in my mind that the marriage will be a success.

Try to be patient and know that if marriage is in the future for the two of you...it will happen. Try not to focus so much on the ring and what it means and just enjoy the fact that you have found a man that you love so deeply and seems to love you just as much. Give him the time that he needs to be comfortable with the prospect of actually walking down the aisle instead of merely talking about it.

There are many couples out there that date for several years before finally getting married. It is easy to talk about "when" we get married...and quite another thing to actually take that leap of faith and "get" married.

I wish both of you all the happiness you deserve,

sprout

EddieDean · 04-17-2003, 05:26 PM

I'm also a card carrying member of the "ready to be married" club. I've been with my guy well over three years and am still waiting, though he's younger then me and is just graduating from college, so I can understand why he doesn't feel quite settled into the adult life yet.

In other words, a year and a half isn't really that long in the scope of things, especially for someone who has come off a divorce and is trying to make the right decision this time around. It sounds like he WILL propose, but he needs some time to let the relationship grow and assure himself that it's what he wants.

Please, PLEASE don't fall into a pattern of wanting the ring so badly that you forget that marriage is on the other side. I have one friend who would DIE for an engagement ring, but she hasn't thought a day past the wedding. She and her current boyfriend are totally miserable, but she will keep clawing at him until she gets her ring. It's JUST a ring. Remember that marriage is much different then an engagement, and that being a bride is a very short novelty.

jeffsgal · 04-18-2003, 01:49 PM

EddieDean: I hear where you are coming from. I don't think I'm entirely ready for that ring just yet. Well the fact that I know after the ring comes, comes a marriage bond that for me WILL be forever. All I mean by that is I don't take marriage lightly and I know some marriages break up for legit reasons but all I'm saying is when I get married I want it to be forever which means making sure that my man is "the one". I'll be 25 next week so still a tad on the younger side of being married. Things are GREAT the way they are right now...but I do want what marriage brings...the bond it forms. I want to know that in a fight I can yell and scream and say what I want and still have my baby there the next day...not have to worry about him NOT being there. Know what I'm saying??? It's more of the he'll ALWAYS be there...not that he won't be right now...but it's more of a security blanket to me. Not saying that's even a reason why I'd walk down that aisle and become his wife. I know my baby and I've been well assured that the ring will come in another year or two.

I don't want to be like his two friends who RUSHED into it and now things have gone WAY DOWN HILL for them. He hates being with her and even told her that since they got married he's NEVER hated anything in his life more. Nice huh??? I think my aunt also had it right with us...my baby and I are BEST friends...and that means everything in a marriage in a relationship...so since we didn't start off as and didn't become just bed buddies and have been able to take our relationship far beyond just the bed...and STILL mean the world to each other...I think this one is the REAL THING!!!