fiancee wants a different life - Relationship Health Message Board

Jamie8078 · 04-16-2003, 02:07 PM

My fiancee and I have been seeing each other for 2 years and he has been living in this area for 2 1/2 years. Lately we have been having problems. He is not happy here. He just recently went to his home town about 6 hours away and had a wonderful time. That was when he realized how much he misses his family and friends (his parents and one sister live here). He said the only thing that he enjoys about being here is me, his job, the house, and no social life (he doesn't enjoy this). We just bought a house a few months ago. He feels him not having a social life is my fault. I feel that it is untrue, I work 2 jobs and go to school, so I feel that there is time for him to do his own thing, he just hasn't choosen to do so until now. He wants to hang out with women. And yes I have a problem with that because he doesn't want me to have anything to do with his social life (I thought I was a part of that life). Recently a coworker (female) asked him if he wanted to go out to this bar with her and her sister. (he said no) I asked him if he did go would he have asked me to go out with him and he said only if it was okay with her (the coworker). How was I suppose to feel? Why does he have to ask some other girl for permission? How am I suppose to make him happy here? He has been happy here, except for the like the last 6 months or so and then all of sudden it was like, I am not happy here. Also, how do I deal with the fact that he wants to have this totally different life that I don't have anything to do with? I feel bad just asking questions, like how was your day because then I am giving him the 3rd degree. He is not a big talker, so to generate/start a conversation I ask questions. Is that so wrong? He feels that I don't trust him, which I do trust him. I just don't know where to go with this, I am all ears to any and all advice, thanks

sprout · 04-16-2003, 03:07 PM

Jamie,

It sounds to me as if your fiance is starting to have cold feet. The two of you seem to have alot of stressors involved right now and that may be making his uncertainties more pronounced.

You state that the two of you just bought a house a few months ago. That is a HUGE step for a couple to take...especially when the nuptuals haven't even occured yet. Perhaps the depth of your relationship is finally hitting him and he is struggling to deal with that.

Add to that the fact that you are working two jobs and going to school, so the time that the two of you have together is limited and you have even more stress. Life is kicking in for the two of you and reality sometimes makes a person skittish.

It sounds like the two of you need to have a heart-to-heart. Should you decide that it is time for this, try to remember that this is the man that you love. Try to monitor your tone of voice and make sure that you do not make your concerns seem like accusations.

I would be very concerned if I were in your situation. Communication is the key to getting beyond this though. Simply saying nothing for fear of confrontation will only compounds the problems. If the two of you do sit down and talk, try to find out what he thinks the two of you can do to ensure that both of you are happy and satisified.

I wish both of you all the best,

sprout

maryett · 04-16-2003, 04:12 PM

I totally agree with everything Sprout said - sounds like a case of cold feet to me.

villagegal68455 · 04-17-2003, 12:22 AM

hehehe.......i definetely agree with sprout....a week before my husband and i got married he told me that everything about me annoyed him....hurt at first, but i knew he just had the jitters and was scared....it sounds like you would make a wonderful wife though....two jobs and schooling....way to go...my hubby wants me to be a stay at home mom when we have children, but i think i would get bored, so i'm gonna work....and buying a house is a pretty big step...did you say how old you were....he may feel like you guys are jumping the gun to soon, and he might be starting to be afraid that you are not the one....but don't let that scare you, i think all people wonder when they get scared...i feel bad that you feel like you are walking around on eggshells communication wise...was he like this when you met or has it been just recent...i wish i had some advice to get the ball rolling communication wise...i think the key to any relationship is honesty, trust, and communication....do you have any other ways to express your feelings that WON'T make him angry....like writing a letter or poem or something...i do that myself sometimes....i hope something someone says can help you....with hugs.......

Jamie8078 · 04-18-2003, 01:10 PM

Thanks for all your advice...I know we are young 23 and 25, but before we bought the house we both gave it a lot of thought (and I talked it over with my parents). His behavior did change just recently. He thinks I shouldn't have a problem with him going to bars with females. (I don't know) I know we will work it out...when two people love each other thats what they do work through the problems. And always talk about whats on your mind. Thanks everyone.