afraid i'm going to rip my hair out.... - Relationship Health Message Board

villagegal68455 · 04-15-2003, 11:25 PM

i just got married in november to a terrific man...but lately, i've been worried about him cheating on me....about a month ago, i was informed by a very unreliable source that he was having an internet relationship...and this has caused me to worry even more...i dream about him cheating on my almost nightly...and i've even gone as far as to check his history on the computer to make sure he's not doing anything....i've talked to him about the whole cheating issue and he said he loves me too much to cheat on me....his best friend even said he wouldn't do that to me....sometimes i look at him and i believe that he wouldn't hurt me....but ninety percent of the time i worry about it....i could use some advice about how to learn to trust him when he's out of the house...if he is being faithful, i don't want my inability to trust to ruin a perfectly good marriage...oh and fyi, he leaves for basic training and tech school for the air force june tenth, so my stress about this whole thing has flown sky high....please help me before i pull out my hair....

chiron · 04-16-2003, 05:05 AM

As comparison I would offer that my parents suffered the same during World War II and Korea. The situation was reversed however.

Allegedly my mother had the affairs while my father was involved in the military venue of warfare. A reversal took place with my brother and his wife during the Vietnam Experience.

A very real possibility, I would offer that "pulling out one's hair out" comes with the discovery and shock of the event, an affair to remember.

The problem of fidelity is an old one either way.

EddieDean · 04-16-2003, 11:09 AM

I know exactly how you feel. I have a fantastic relationship with my boyfriend, but I just can't get rid of the nagging urge that he's doing things behind my back that I wouldn't approve of. I never felt this way when we were in college together, but I graduated two years ahead of him and now he's been there for two years while I'm in another city. He has lots of good-looking female friends that I have seen him flirt with (good naturedly), and I'm only there on the weekends so I have no idea what his weeks hold. It's a very frustrating situation!

STILL....I realize that the problem here is me. He has never given me any reason to believe he's cheating on me. He treats me well, and seems proud to be with me. Look at your own situation and see if you can say the same. Try to see if you are being irrational about this. You may find that you are really just blowing things out of proportion because you have a jealous streak in you.

My only other suggestion would be to keep communication open between the two of you. Try not to be overly moody or confrontational. Try not to avoid problems, and try to stick together as a team. Don't allow this to become an obsession....work on making a strong marriage, and you will find that you are more confident in your relationship AND in yourself. Keep us posted!!

villagegal68455 · 04-16-2003, 10:57 PM

i think the problem is on my end...i sit there and think what is so special about me that makes him be faithful......and i got to thinking what does make a man stay faithful....any men out there got an answer for this one??? he said to me once, doesn't marrying you show you i want you and only you.....and i replied, i see husbands cheating on their wives every day....i've never been this way before.....i think it's because i never cared this much about anyone before and no man has ever treated me so wonderful...i keep thinking he seems too good to be true, there's got to be something wrong with him......but is that really true...i don't want to accept what you see is what you get because i'm afraid he will hurt me....but i guess i'm willing to take this risk, because i did marry him.....

sprout · 04-17-2003, 06:40 AM

villagegal,

I know that sometimes it is hard to understand what our significant other sees in us...what makes them want to be with us. However, if he has given you no reason to believe that he is cheating on you...you need to get control of this.

If you do not, you are going to risk destroying the relationship. Jealousy and suspicions of infidelity are major relationship destroyers. I know this for a fact as I have been on the receiving end more times than I can count.

If you cannot get this under control, your husband is likely going to get to the point of frustration. I know I did. I got tired of trying to convince my significant other that I loved him and only wanted to be with him. He wouldn't believe it no matter what. I began to wonder what I had done to cause him to not trust me. As things continued, he got worse and it reach an intolerable level. I couldn't go anywhere without him accusing me of cheating. If I put on a pair of earrings, he was sure I was doing so to attract another man.

I am not saying that your situation will go to the extreme that mine did. I am trying to warn you about how it *can* go. I am trying to give you a perspective that maybe you haven't already considered.

I wish you all the best and hope you find a way to get beyond this.

sprout