Someone help please - Relationship Health Message Board

autumn83175 · 04-18-2003, 10:31 PM

Hello everyone,

Any advice would be very appreciated. I will try to keep this short.

My husband is 24 and I am 27. We met 9/99 and married 5/01. I have three children (9,7,5) from a previous relationship. Their father has nothing to do with them, therefore we do not have the stress of the other parent in our lives. When my husband and I met, I had a rented house in a nice neighborhood and a nice car. I was very self sufficient. My husband lived with his dad and partied alot. I had several steady relationships. He had none. He was a virgin. When he met me he quit partying and swore I was the only one for him. After he moved in, my self sufficiency went out the window. I now had things I hadn't seen in a long time -love, stability and money. I have never doubted his love for me, or his fidelity. He has always treated my children like his own, and has never complained about them. Our sex life has always been good. Even the last few weeks during my recovery.

Before we married, he decided the relationship was too much for him, and he moved out. Within three days he was apologizing and begging to come home. I took him back. Both my kids and I were very attached. It seems his single friend had convinced him he was to young to be serious. (His friend wanted a roommate with money.)

We married in 5/01. Things were going well then in 3/02 we were moving into my parents because the house we rented sold, and real estate is like gold around here. Impossible to find. He left the day before we were to store our stuff and move. He decided he wasn't ready to be married. I was upset because we had discussed this in depth before we married. I never pushed him or coerced him into anything he did not want to do. Within a few days he was crying, begging to come home. Again I let him. We spent the summer saving money to buy a house. During the summer a legal issue came up, and I supported him fully, and we were able to get the charges dropped due to my legal knowledge.

In Sept 2002 we bought a big house together as a married couple. We have been doing good, although our bills are slighty behind due to a surgery I had in March leaving me unable to work until May. The medical expenses are very high, even with insurance. I came home from physical therapy today to a note saying he wasn't ready to be married and he will email me. Most of his belongs are gone.

My husband and I never fight. We have had two fights which were pretty much heated discussions. I thought since we bought the house, things have been very good. He is really proud of the house and his accomplishments. This was very unexpected for me. I didn't see it coming at all. Two days ago he was telling me how beautiful I am and how he was the luckiest guy in the world. I felt the same. He has treated me better than I could ever expect anyone to, except for the occasional retreat.

My mother thinks this is how he deals with his stress, he retreats for a few days. She thinks he will be back next week. But I feel trapped. I used to be self sufficient. Now I am not. I am also now trapped in a mortgage that is $600 more than the rent I was having trouble paying. I can't work again until 5/10. My disability check is about 2/3 of my usual pay, which was mainly for gas and groceries. I would love to walk away, but I don't think I can. There is no way I can survive on my own anymore. But yet I can't take this feeling of abandonment every couple years. It is eating me alive. When he returns I am constantly afraid he will leave again on a whim and I second guess everything. I am also very troubled by the fact that he doesn't discuss these feelings with me. He just lets things build and then he walks away for a few days.

Does anyone have any advice for me for when he comes crying on my shoulder begging for forgiveness again? I would love to tell him no way, even though I love him, because this hurts too much. I know if I do let him come home, I will leave in fear for months if not years that he will leave again. But I am not financially able to tell him no. I am not eligible for any public assistance because I actually work for a living, and transportation and daycare to do so are not expended when they figure your income. I have tried over the years to collect child support for my children, but their father always weasels his way out of service so they can't even start a court proceeding against him.

I appreciate your bearing with me on my novel, and any advice you can give me. I really do love him, and I believe he really does love me and my kids. I'm not sure why he keeps doing this. His parents have been married a million times, so he has never had an example of a good strong relationship.

Autumn

maryett · 04-19-2003, 03:02 AM

Hmm, gee I don't have much advice, hopefully someone else will.

Perhaps he acts this way because it was a big step for him - from being a virgin to being married and having an instant family and all the responsibilities that go with that. 24 is still pretty young. Usually people date a few others before they settle down. He's probably overwhelmed sometimes and will possibly mature out of it. That's all I can say, sorry I couldn't offer more.

HeyThere · 04-19-2003, 03:52 AM

My pennys worth:

1. you are not just you you are four- children need stability- he shows no promise to stability- is that the kind of role model you want for your children?

2. put an ad in the paper for subleasing the house for more than your mortgage or even the same- real estate is like gold you said- move into an apartment or townhome. I think you get some sort of tax break here in the USA for realestate subleasing- look into it.

3. You are still young-you have a peg up on the rest of the people your age you've got children that are not in diapers-they can talk-they understand people are not supposed to touch them inappropriately- this is a big huge issue with single moms and boyfriends and second husbands(watch out for men who want in to quickly for a relationship/ you never know their true intentions)

4. Fear of abandonment who needs that-life is hard enough especially in your case. You deserve better and so do your kids.

5. Try a nice 42 year old who is finished with his partying days. Do a background check on anyone else you are considering to be a part of your family.

6. You are not his moma- he is flying from nest to nest- let him become a man on his own and in his own time. Men who don't leave the nest on their own will fall out of the nest- do you understand that, he has to learn to fly to be of any benefit in a relationship including himself. You already have three children -why do you need a 24 year old child on top of that. You can't change who he is-you can't -it will cause you and your family great distress. Divorce before more years pass you by and he robs you of your youth.

7. You are obviously a strong capable woman and when you meet your match not your opposite, you will be content.

Raynie · 04-19-2003, 10:01 AM

My first thought is that he is not ready. I personally would not take him back. What he is doing is putting a lot of stress on you and your kids. Talk to your kids, how do they feel? He left you unemployed, with a morgage and kids to care for. Even if he does come back, that was a horrible, immature thing to do. I can't immagine the stress that created. He should at least be man enough to talk about it and work something out if he really wants to leave. Sorry, but it sounds like he needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities whether he stays or goes.

Audrey-B · 04-20-2003, 01:19 AM

Everybody else has pretty much summed up the situation. What ever problems he has, whether they be immaturity or the inability to deal effectively with stress, he needs to address these issues. Sure he went from virgin to a whole family, marriage, mortgage etc, but surely he realised this wouldn't be a piece of cake!!

My question is how could he just ditch you and the kids knowing your current circumstances. Besides, it's not as though this is the first time it happened, he is repeatedly offending. You are his wife, not his mother. I feel he needs to be told to grow up.

The suggestion made by an earlier poster about sub leasing your house is an excellent idea. Actually there were some great ideas in that post. More than i'd be able to come up with. I also agree on the point that older guys tend to be more stable. I know there are some great "younger" guys out there, but not too many who are capable of settling down and taking care of a ready family and giving up the wild parties each weekend. I hope you come back with good news for us.