Need help :( :( - Relationship Health Message Board

Rosie20 · 04-16-2003, 11:14 AM

Hey, everyone. I'm new to posting on the relationship board, so thanks for listening.

I have been dating this guy for 5 1/2 months, and before that, we were friends for about 2 years. He is a really sensitive, caring, compassionate person-- extremely intelligent and talented (guitar, ballet, running, music theory), and not at all arrogant. He's kind of shy, in fact! He has written beautiful poetry and songs about and for me, and we have had some of the greatest moments of my life together just goofing around.

But there seems to be so many problems shrouding our relationship. First of all, we slept together before we started dating, so we have been having a sexual relationship this whole time (without freely talking about it). Secondly, he is not the kind of person who says how he feels. He rarely tells me he loves me, and we NEVER talk about how we feel for each other. We also never discuss the future.

There is also his ex-girlfriend (whom he lived with for a few years) who he is still in love with, and they still see each other and talk on the phone a lot. There are more pictures in his apartment of her than me; in fact, the one picture he had up of me he just recently took down because it was "curling in the sunshine."

Probably the worst problem of all, though, is his association wtih other women. He has at least 10 women-friends in his life with whom he emails, takes to dinner, and a few of which have told him they are in love with him while we've been dating. One girl is 16 (he's 26), and he took her out to dinner, gave her a rose, and a poem. I was particularly upset when I heard about this through the grapevine, and even moreso when I asked him about it and he dodged the issue. He rarely apologizes when things like this happen.

I just don't feel very cherished in this relationship, and yet he seems like the "cherishing" type. He doesn't call or email when he says he will, and he often doesn't accompany me to things because he'll have had plans with another girl. He's stood me up a few times, too.

Throughout all this, I have gotten angry and hurt at him-- things have not changed that much, and I think my reactions are driving us apart.

What do I do? I'm in love with him, but I feel like this treatment isn't fair. Yet, he truly is one of the nicest guys I know and would never intentionally hurt anyone. HELP!!!!!!!

(Sorry this is so long.)

sprout · 04-16-2003, 12:25 PM

Rosie,

Reading your post, I am wondering if you are mistaking a man's ability to charm women as a sign of him being caring, sensitive, compassionate, etc. etc.

In my opinion, he is doing and saying the things that he knows women want and crave. If he were as caring, sensitive, and compassionate as you perceive him to be...he would also show some respect for your feelings. The fact that he is taking other women out for dinner, and standing you up doesn't show much commitment on his part.

I am sure you do love him. However, aren't you deserving of someone that loves you and respects you just as much as you do them? Breaking off this relationship may be painful...but I would think staying in it and only receiving a portion of what you want and need is far more painful. He may *be* a great guy...however, is he *your* great guy. All that you have offered up so far doesn't lead me to believe that he is.

Good luck to you,

sprout

livenlearn · 04-16-2003, 12:51 PM

i have to agree with sprout here... i've had many a relationship like that "thinking" i was totally completely in love with the guy, and making excuses after excuses for the way he treated me and saw other women...

5 months is plenty of time for him to know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you... or anyone else for that matter... the fact that he does the exact same thing for his supposed girlfriend that he does for "just a friend" is just tacky....

my ex husband did the same thing... said the same things... and he turned out to be a total jerk... EVERYONE thinks he's this "caring, sensitive, supportive" guy... but, what he turned out to be was a manipulator.... he says and does exactly what you want to hear.... you deserve better...

i finally found the love of my life... and although he does have "female friends"... i know these people... and he CERTAINLY treats them a hell of a lot different than he treats me.... i come first...

i know sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes... but, i'd suggest you move on and far away from him... or any guy like him....

Kimianne · 04-16-2003, 01:11 PM

Hi Rosie20:

I know that what Sprout and Livenlearn have said to you probably hurts but, they are so right.

This guy in manipulating you. I mean, he's still in love with his ex. I think until he gets past that he's bound to keep playing the field as such and not get close to anyone.

You deserve better

Keep us posted.

------------------
Kimi

[This message has been edited by Kimianne (edited 04-16-2003).]

EddieDean · 04-16-2003, 02:00 PM

For the most part, I agree with the good advice others have given you here.

I think the biggest mistake women make is assuming that guys think the same way we do. I've dated my fair share of guys, and I have a LOT of guy friends....they do NOT work the same way. Guys would rather SHOW you their feelings (through gifts or hugs, etc) then talking about them. Guys don't make big issues out of everything....if it's not something that is going to ruin the relationship, they'd just as soon let it pass. Guys are straightforward and simple....our biggest problem is overanalyzing everything they do, because we are so complex ourselves!

HOWEVER, it's one thing to expect your boyfriend to lavish you with effection and emotions all the time and another to expect him to stop acting like a vegetable and treat you like his girlfriend. You are the latter.....your expecations are not unreasonable. He is not holding up his end of the relationship. In a monogamous relationship, it is your RIGHT to expect that you are the only girl he has these feelings for....which means his ex has gotta go, and so do all these other floozies that he seems to have this lame artistic connection with. In a monogamous relationship, it is your RIGHT to expect that he will be reasonably affectionate with you and be there to talk to and RELATE to.

I know this is a bit of a stereotype, but he seems like a brooding musician who is much happier emoting through poetry and song then through sincere discussion. That may be fine to a point, but he needs to mature a bit before he is ready to be in a real relationship. Does he even acknowledge that you are dating monogamously? Does he realize how much his contact with his ex is hurting you? Regardless, he seems much more concerned with his own life then yours. Your expectations are not unreasonable...he just isn't boyfriend material right now.

The one thing I disagree with that was said here: I don't think 5 months is necessarily long enough to know that you have met "the one." However, you don't seem to be asking for a proposal here....he is not giving you the emotional support you need and you deserve better!!