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Old 05-01-2003, 01:58 AM   #1
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blurr HB User
Unhappy Bf thinks I'm cheating on him when I'm NOT. How do i convince him otherwise?

Hiya,

I feel kind-of strange writing this, but here goes. Over the past month or so, my boyfriend has had completely irrational fears that I have been going behind his back and having torrid love affairs with other men. At first, I understood (somewhat) where he was coming from, as he had a sibling whose significant other cheated on them. It was extremely difficult for the family to go through, and didn't happen too long ago. I understand that he was FEARS of this happening, in general, but over the past month, these fears have developed into finger-pointing and outright accusations towards me. These accusations are all completely unfounded. Just this week (a few days ago and then tonight), my boyfriend confronted me and asked if I were sleeping with someone else. On one occasion, he actually thought that after he dropped me off at home at 3am, that I had run out to be with some other person. When I tried to defend myself and tell him that I wasn't doing any of these things, he looked straight at me and said "I think you're lying". After a couple of hours of talking things through, he realized that I WASN'T doing anything behind his back and apologized profusely. Tonight...er...(this is kind-of graphic), he thought that he saw someone else's "bodily fluids" on me while we were making love, and then asked me what I had been doing all day when he wasn't around (we don't live together, BTW). I couldn't believe that merely 3 days after beating this subject to the ground, and having me in tears for the duration of the eve., that he accused me again. It hurt quite badly and left me in tears again, trying to defend myself. I feel absolutely drained after these episodes. I am starting to be at a loss for what to do or say when this happens.

When he used to approach me about the subject, it was more in terms of "I'm worried about this happening, please reassure me that you're not doing anything behind my back, and please tell me if you ever want to do so". I thought his fears were a little irrational, but I understood where he was coming from, so I tried my best to reassure and comfort him as best I could. However, now when he gets confrontational about this, he starts to accuse me of all sorts of things and won't believe me until I start to cry. I feel like these accusations are so far-fetched, as we spend almost every evening together, give or take one or two nights a week, and are both working through the day at different jobs. I LOVE him completely and utterly... would never think of doing anything like this to him and am so extremely hurt that he thinks I am the type of person who would do this to him. I trust him completely, and don't know why he can't do the same. He says that he has had these ideas with other girlfriends in the past, but says that he wasn't as bothered by it happening (if it, in fact, ever did) because the past relationships weren't as serious as ours is. He says that in the end, in a funny kind of way, it shows how dedicated he is to the relationship and realizes how much he has to lose with it. I guess I understand that aspect of it, but in the end, I feel like there is nothing I can do or say that helps.

We are always able to talk through this, and he finally comes around as is able to see how irrational he is being. However, I feel like this is an issue that is going to HURT aspects of our relationship if he does not squelch some of these fears. I told him tonight that I can understand him having fears, and I am not opposed to him having them, as long as he approaces the subject in a non-accusatory manner. I would rather he say "Look, i've been worried about this lately..." rather than him saying "I think you're sleeping around...how do you explain this...(etc, etc). How do I convince my bf otherwise?

We have been with each other for about 6 months. We are very much in love, and have talked about marriage in the future, and moving out together in the fall...depending on both of our financial situations. I love him completely, and am willing to do what it takes to make this relationship strong. However, with talk of future plans, I don't want this issue (me cheating on him) spoiling a good relationship. He has to be able to trust me as his significant other, and trust himself. How to I foster this? How do I stop him accusing me of these things and how should I defend myself when he brings up this topic (which I know will happen again).

Please help...I am at a loss of what to do.


 
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Old 05-01-2003, 02:39 AM   #2
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Hi Blurr
Is it possible that his trust in people in general has been altered by the occurence of the sibling being cheated on, and he is angry about that and taking it out on you.

He is still trying to deal with this hurt of the whole family and is letting his imagination soar to heights it never has before, I think he's feeling insecure in himself and the defense of that is to take it out on you.

You know this isn't healthy for you or him.

Could you bring in a third person you both could visit with, maybe an un-biased opinion from someone else is needed to help him see he is not justified in making accusations.

You seem to want to really resolve this and I think you maybe can if you can get him on the right track again.

I hope this helps in some small way.
Take Care
#1Texan

[This message has been edited by #1Texan (edited 05-01-2003).]

 
Old 05-01-2003, 06:23 AM   #3
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Blurr,

I wish that I could offer some pearls of wisdom on this particular topic as it hits so close to home. However, I have had the misfortune of having the same problem in each of my relationships. I have come to the conclusion that some men CAN be convinced of you unwillingness to ever cheat on them...and others cannot. I've defended myself time and again to no avail. I truly hope your man can be convinced that you would not do that to him. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding the way to put his fears to rest.

sprout

 
Old 05-01-2003, 08:10 AM   #4
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Um- you should see a counselor together. If you really love him and he you. Nip it in the bud. This has nothing to do with you, they are his feelings he owns them. So don't start changing and walking on eggshells because of him unless you want to be oppressed with mindcontrol and possibly even physical control. He is the one who has to change. He has to let go of his fear. Mind games suck too-my father use to do the same to my mother. Both were very attractive and my mother was going to be a nun before she decided to go to college-so it just goes to show you how off -a Man in this case can be-he use to accuse her beat her say ugly stuff and he was the one cheating. It really sucked having her walk on eggshells never knowing when he was going to "go off". Mind control and physically as well -being oppressed sucks the life out of everything around it.

Be safe-if he tells you to stop wearing make up and change the way you dress and limits your phone use, get out and far away because it only gets worse. My father has not changed it has been 37 years way before way I was born till current and in his many marriages the same insecurities and fighting and oppression have follwed him everywhere...because he is the one with the problem/s.

I wish you well.

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Old 05-01-2003, 08:11 AM   #5
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The short answer is that you cannot convince him.
Jealousy and possessiveness can be an indication of a controlling person.
And it appears that this has been escalating?
I would strongly suggest that before you move in with a man who borders on verbal abuse (if you are basically in tears when he is done I would call that abuse)that you give him an opportunity to change his behavior.
Keep in mind that there isn't any thing YOU can do to change another human being. He has to want to stop the behavior himself.
Joint counseling would indicate that he takes ownership of his behavior and wants your relationship to go to a different level such as living together or marriage.

I can tell you from experience that it does NOT reassure such a man if you live with him - even for 3 yrs as I did. They will still be convinced that you are cheating on them when you go to the grocery store or on your lunch hour..

Hang in there, see how he reacts to the suggestion of counseling - - that may tell you something about how he sees his own behavior...
Bj


 
Old 05-01-2003, 09:02 AM   #6
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Thanks for your advice...

As for the counsellor idea, he already sees a psychiatrist. He has been seeing one for years, although only goes every few months, now. The reason he does so is due to the fact that he went through a deep depression some years back. They say he has made a complete recovery, and he now goes to see his psych. every 4 months or so just to check in. He is taking antidepressants, although doesn't take them often...from what I can tell, he takes them to help him sleep as they have a heavy sedative effect.

On the weekend, when this issue popped up, he asked me if he thought I should be seeing his psychiatrist more often, due to his ideas of me cheating on him. I told him that I didn't think that it was up to me, but that if he were having these thoughts on a regular occurance (and he does, he told me...even though it only comes up about once every couple of weeks, he thinks about me doing this constantly), then he might think about talking to this person about his ideas. The more I think about it, the more I would like him to bring this up with his shrink the next time he goes, but in the end, it is up to him. He takes my advice willingly and asks for it constantly, so I know that if I asked him to do so...and talk it over with this third party, he would do so. I know that he wants this relationship to work... it is just this one issue that we end up talking about over and over again.

Thanks again, everybody.

blurr

 
Old 05-01-2003, 10:52 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by blurr:
Thanks for your advice...
<snip>, he already sees a psychiatrist. He has been seeing one for years
<snip> He is taking antidepressants, although doesn't take them often...from what I can tell, he takes them to help him sleep as they have a heavy sedative effect.
blurr

Ok that explains it all. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Which cannot be cured without mind altering drugs. Hence the reason he is "supposed" to be on anti-depressants.
People dont take them things to make them sleep.

Re-think this relationship with this guy. He obviously has some mental issues. You are in denial if you think he doesnt. The jealousy thing most likely will lead to worse. Its only been 6 months it's not like you guys are married or anything.

-r
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Old 05-01-2003, 11:20 AM   #8
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Have to agree with everyone else here. This behavior will only get worse, and there is nothing you can do to make him trust you more if he's made up his mind not to. It isn't your problem to fix. See if he will seek counseling more often than just once every few months. If he's not willing to help himself, or does not change, ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with a man who can't trust you and makes you cry all the time with his browbeating and jealous tantrums. You can't change his behavior, there's nothing more you can do to reassure him that you're being faithful. He has to work it out for himself and get to a place in his own head where he can believe you without verbally beating you up about it. It's up to him. If he can't or won't start trusting you, then it's your choice whether or not to tolerate it. Take care of yourself and good luck.

 
Old 05-01-2003, 11:38 AM   #9
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I feel I have to add this -
My ex-boyfriend kept telling me that I would leave him. I, of course, had to reassure him that I wouldn't, and did everything I could to prove my love & loyalty by trying to "work things out".
Well, you know what? Love doesn't mean you have to prove those things. Love is friendship caught fire (to plagerize a popular poem). Would you let a friend continue to treat you in such an untrusting and accusatory way?
If your boyfriend has expressed his "fears" that you will leave him and you have found yourself reassuring him PLEASE regard it as another red flag that you may just be dealing with a controlling/manipulative person.

 
Old 05-01-2003, 01:46 PM   #10
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I do worry about him...and I worry about the state of the relationship if this issue keeps coming up. I also worry that he thinks of this constantly. I've found myself trying to gauge his moods/thinking... wondering if he has had thoughts of me doing anything. I can usually tell when he has these ideas in his head.

I don't know why these issues are coming up with such force at this point in time. I went overseas for a few months to work...we kept the relationship long distance and never once heard about him wondering what I was doing, who I was with, etc, etc. He supported me FULLY and was wonderful to me. He is still an absolutely caring and supportive boyfriend. I just think that his insecurities get the best of him. I am also starting to think that he may need to be on his meds more consistently...or maybe needs to see his doctor a bit more, or counselling together. Yes, maybe.

Last night while we were talking about this issue, he was somewhat floored that i didn't have the same worries that he did. I explained to him that, while i have in the past had a serious ex-bf cheat on me, that I couldn't let it taint my view of other people. I told him that I may meet different people in the future, but that it wouldn't change my view of him, and THAT was normal. He agreed. I told him that I knew that he had female friends and wasn't perturbed by this idea, and I mentioned that I, too, had male friends..and then said "Does it bother you that i see them?" (I wanted to get an idea of where he was at), and he said "No". He is fine with that, and I have never had a problem going out with male friends for coffee or whatnot. It is almost as though he is more worried about his fantastical ideas rather than a more realistic scenario taking place.

We both agree that it is important to keep relationships going outside of the relationship, in order to keep ourselves "whole". Although we spend a great deal of time together, we also make time for friends, both on our own, and together.

I will mention these things to my bf when I see him in a couple of days.

Until then...


 
Old 05-01-2003, 09:30 PM   #11
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i feel the need to say something to you...i'm on the opposite end...i'm always afraid my hubby will cheat on me...and it does get worse if you don't try to help him...thanks to some of the people on this board, i realized how insecure i am...i have been hurt in the past, and i was afraid the best guy in my life was going to hurt me too...what i didn't realize was that i was hurting our relationship by being so insecure...i've learned which i think your insignificant other should to, is you need to let your guard down...take that risk and trust...it would be a horrible thing to have a relationship ruined because someone was sure the other was unfaithful and they weren't...i hope you find some way to get through to your bf like people have gotten through to me...the jealousy is just not worth it...
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