Question ? - Relationship Health Message Board

wilted_rose · 06-19-2003, 03:37 PM

Before I begin, let me give you a brief history of my past relationship. I was in an abusive relationship with a man for 9 years. He was very controlling, verbally abusive and sometimes physical (pushing me).

Anyways, I met someone new 6 months ago. He knows I want to take my time and I don't want a committment as of yet. I feel like I need time to heal the emotional scars left behind from my past. Well, things so far "seem" great. We have a lot of fun when we're together and we get along really great. As time goes by, I am becoming more attached to him in all aspects: mentally, emotionally and physically. I think I may be even falling in love. As he also tells me he cares for me a lot and really likes me and really wants a committed relationship, but out of respect for me, he is taking it slow.

But here is the thing that really disturbs me (maybe I am making more out of it than there really is) but last weekend he was moving back home with his parents. Well not technically with his parents, but they are renting out a Mother-in-law apartment that is attached to their property so he can save money and pay off student loans which I think is great.

Anyways, I haven't met his family as he hasn't mine, but last weekend his dad comes out and this is how he introduces me, "dad this is (my name) and we're going out on a date". In my mind, he made it seem like we just met and this was our first time going out. He obviously has never mentioned me to his parents out of the 6 months we've been "dating". The thing I don't understand is, we've toyed with the idea of marriage and a family. We have had the serious talks about what we each want out of life and have similar ideals. I have been married once, but I have no kids and he has never been married w/out kids, too. I mean, I really feel like we're clicking, but on the other hand, I question his motives. I think it you really care for someone, your family would be the first to know.

There's a few other things I didn't mention, but this is already too long. But I really want an honest response. If I am making this into a mountain, intsead of a mole-hill, please let me know. It kindof puts a hinderance if I want to commit or not.

thanks in advance...

dustbunnys_baby · 06-19-2003, 03:58 PM

it seems to me that you have some trust issues because of your past relationship. He have just introduced you that way out of respect for your wishes. I mean sometimes guys don't know what they can and can't say when they are trying really hard to respect you. I would talk to him about it and see what he says and I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Try to show him that you care for him more and more each day and that you want to be a part of his life. Maybe then he will ease up the seriousness of his respect for you and be straight with his parents. I think he is showing extreme control in what he says and how acts around you and that is very comendable. Since you do have trust issues. I would see this through I have a feeling it will be okay. Much love Sunnie

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Life may grab you by the horns if you don't grab it first!

DanaJ · 06-19-2003, 03:58 PM

Maybe he didn't introduce you to his parents, or mention you to his family because he was trying to take things slow, as you requested. It's possible.
I know when I started dating my partner I never introduced him to my family right away b/c at the time I wasn't sure where the relationship was headed. I was in no rush, and was content with it being casual. Also I felt as if it would come across as some type of commitment/serious thing if I introduced him early on. Not that it would be a bad thing. Now that was entirely my opinion. My partner on the other hand, felt much differently and went about things in a complete opposite way! So, you know your bf better than us all, so maybe you can have some sort of idea?
I say talk to him about it. Let him know how it made you feel and try to understand what he meant by his actions etc. Open communication is crucial to any relationship!

wilted_rose · 06-19-2003, 06:50 PM

Dust and Dana, thank you for your responses. I can understand what you're saying. I never looked at it from that persepctive. I guess I felt hurt to the fact that if he cared so much about me, his parents would at least know my name. But since we're not committed, maybe he was doing it out of 'respect' for me since I don't officially claim us an 'item'.

And Dana, very wise words, 'open communication is crucial to any relationship'. But I have a really hard time expressing myself when I am hurt. Maybe I fear the same consequences that happened in my previous relationship. But I am slowly but surely opening up, more than I ever have in my entire life. I guess we all fear at times we're being taken for granted or "this is too good to be true" so if I say anything or do anything 'negative', it will end.

DanaJ · 06-19-2003, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by wilted_rose:

And Dana, very wise words, 'open communication is crucial to any relationship'. But I have a really hard time expressing myself when I am hurt.

Well truth be told, I still have a lot of problems with that, but I'm workign on it. Certainly nowhere close to an easy thing lol, trust me. But it is very true.