HELP ME I AM CONFUSED - Relationship Health Message Board

shaunskii · 06-22-2003, 03:43 AM

I need some help, I have some relationship issues that i can not figure out.
I am seeing this guy who has decided that he isn't sure whether he wants me or his ex-girlfriend.
I got together with him while he was engaged to this other girl ( his ex) he decided that he wanted me more, and so broke things off with her. I always told him that i was not ready for a relationship and not keen on committment, but he still said he was happy to "get what he could from me".
So we saw each other for while, but I was kind of hot and cold towards him, there were times when I liked him, and other times when I wanted to be left alone, and I told him that. I guessI was very up and down, and very cold and distant at times. But that is me.
I told him that I didn't really care about him that much, and wanted to keep it casual.
But then he decided he was confused.. and maybe wanted his ex. Because she was willing to give him so much more than I could.
Now this freaked me out, so I told him i loved him and made him decide betweeen me and her.
he decided me.
He told me he was sad about breaking up with her, and confused but all he wanted was me.... and that made me happy....
BUT NOW I AM NOT SURE I WANT HIM?? When I am with him I just want to be alone, but then I leave him and I change my mind and want to be with him.
I don't like being "mushy"... or romantic, or corny, no imtimacy for me. BUT WHAT DO I WANT???????
How do I decide?
How come when he doesn't want me i want him so so so so so very badly, that I actually convince myself that i am in love with him, but when he wants me, and wants things to be rosy and lovey-dovey, and cutsey coupley... I do not want him?
Here is my other problem... he is younger than me, and he has slept with many fewer people than me ( I am 29 he is 27) and this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, like he isn't a real man or experienced enough.
Also when he is with me he expresses such intense love and devotion, I want him to a bit more masculine, not to adore me so much and to want to emulate me so much. he gazes at me with this look, like I am some kind of goddess and I just wish he would not worship me so much. I want him to be better than me, to be tougher than me, to be masculine, for me to be in awe of him, not the other way around..... he told me I intimitated him and for some reason this made him seem so very very UN-SEXY to me....
help, I am so confused about what i feel....and what i shoudl do... maybe I should just cut the poor lad off, and let him go back to his sweet loveydovey relationship... I am 29 years old, and am told i am attractive, i have enough money, a good job, so why can't I be happy?

Creeping Crud · 06-22-2003, 06:30 AM

Hey shaunskii,

First of all, I'm sure you know that you cannot depend on a man to make you happy.. That's something you have to do for yourself.. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like this man is detracting from your happiness rather than enhancing it..

It also sounds like one of the only reasons you wanted him is because you didn't want his ex-fiancee' to have him.. That's not fair to him, to his ex-fiancee' or to you because you're negatively affecting three people's lives by holding on to a relationship that you really don't want..

You've already answered your own questions in your post.. What do you want? It's fairly obvious that you don't want him.. He isn't going to become any more masculine & you don't find his more admirable qualities attractive.. There are plenty of women in this world who would love to have a lovey-dovey man in their lives (namely his ex-fiancee'), so why deprive them? Why can't you be happy? Because you've ended up making yourself miserable by getting involved in a relationship that wasn't right for you..

It's much better that you let him go for the sake of everyone involved.. The man you really want will come along and sweep you off your feet sooner or later, but he's not that man and you aren't going to be able to change him.. You really don't strike me as the type of woman who's going to want her man to follow her around like a little puppy dog for the rest of her life, am I right?

You won the battle.. He dumped his ex-fiancee' for you.. But why go to the trouble of fighting a whole war for something you don't really believe in?

Take Care,
Melanie

Magnetic · 06-22-2003, 11:47 AM

One thing I have seen with today's women is that they often seem to want what they can't have. By this I mean that you appear to be a strong, independent woman. You seem to make it clear that you don't need a man to survive - you said you have a job, plenty of money, etc.

Having what you have, you seem to think you want a strong and worldly man. You even put down your bf because he has had far fewer sex partners than you! What does this have to do with love? Think about it.

I may be assumming to much, but I assume that when you have been in relationships with strong men, you fight with them and find them overbearing, and you wish they were more sensitive. But, when you are with a sensitive guy, you want the strong type.

I agree that you should probably send this guy on his way - though I suspect in a few years you will regret it. It is possible you can find a man who is strong and sensitive and worldy, the way you want, but those types are hard to find, outside the movies, at least.