avoidance? - Relationship Health Message Board

balletgirl04 · 06-23-2003, 07:44 AM

I get this distinct feeling my boyfriend avoids/evades spending time with me. When he says he'll call, he usually either doesn't call, or waits until really late or way past the time he said he would. When we pre-arrange dates (which are rare), he usually picks me up/comes over 45 mins-1.5 hours late. The reasons he gives are: "I'm sorry-- I had to clean the bathtub" or "So-and-so called."

What sort of signals is this? I asked him about it once, and he said that it is not indicative of what he feels for me. But we've been having a lot of problems recently, I'm about to leave on a trip for 3 weeks, and he's not making any efforts to be with me. He has, on the contrary, made significantly more of an effort to hang out with his friends (who just so happen to be female).

Does this mean he needs space? What should I do in response? I'm only in town for 4 more days and would like to spend as much time with him as possible, but I don't want to force him into somethign he doesn't want to do... I'm really confused! Help!

Thanks...

USCRooster · 06-23-2003, 08:29 AM

I don't get his comment that his actions are not indicative of what he feels for you. How else do you show your feelings for someone? You are right to not want to force him to do anything. You ask what kind of signals he is sending; I think you might be missing the forest for the trees if you have to look for signals here. His choices are much more clear than any signals could be. He is choosing to spend his time with other people or clean the bathtub or whatever. When confronted with the choice of showing you that he loves you and cares about your feelings or doing something else, he is choosing to do something else. Words mean nothing if not supported by actions and behaviors. He can tell you all day long that he cares about you; yet his actions show a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

HoosierBj · 06-23-2003, 12:49 PM

What would I do? I would have enough respect for myself to not sit around and wait for up to an hour and a half for anyone.
Let him know that you will wait 20 minutes to a half hour and then LEAVE if he hasn't called to let you know he is going to be late. Go to a restaurant, or a friends, or just drive around.
But don't sit there like a wilted flower or he will never ever respect you as a person let alone as a life partner!

(He'll either learn a lesson, or you'll learn he's not the one for you...)

Magnetic · 06-23-2003, 02:24 PM

Clearly, you are lower on his priority list than cleaning his bathtub, talking to friends, etc. Occassional lapses are ok, but not all the time, as he seems to be doing.

I think he is in this relationship for convenience, and is only biding his time hoping someone else will come along that he likes better.

Sorry, but I think you should end things now. He may cry for you back, but you know what your future holds with this man, and it does not include much togetherness.