Is He Right??? - Relationship Health Message Board

Ravishing · 06-24-2003, 09:42 PM

Sorry in advance that this is such a long post...

My boyfriend is really upset with me right now, but I think he's totally over reacting. Does anyone else think I'm totally wrong in this?

I have been friends with Mike for almost 10 years now. We met in high school and have become like family to eachother. There has NEVER been anything between us and we have always dated other people. My parents refer to him as their son or my brother and his family thinks of me as their daughter and his sister. We've both seen eachother through the good, the bad, and the ugly. My boyfriend and I met through Mike and have been in an LDR for a year now, so our friendship is no surprise to him.

In the past year Mike has gotten married and moved away but will occasionally come into town to pick up a few shifts at his old job. Usually his wife isn't with him because of her job. During this time Mike and I will get together and go out for a drink or dinner and catch up on eachother's lives. Neither of us think anything of this and his wife is ok with it too. We are friends and she has always been cool with Mike and I spending time together.
My boyfriend is another story. He gets really upset when I spend time with Mike and thinks that its TOTALLY inappropriate to spend time with him now that Mike is married. He says that people look down upon a single girl spending time with a married guy. I think its totally ok because his wife is ok with it, its an occasional thing, and we are in a public place.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[This message has been edited by Ravishing (edited 06-24-2003).]

Creeping Crud · 06-24-2003, 10:22 PM

Hey Ravishing,

Quote:

Originally posted by Ravishing:
He says that people look down upon a single girl spending time with a married guy.

I think what he means is that he looks down upon you for spending time with Mike and I'm not really sure what gives him that right.. You, Mike, Mike's wife, Mike's family and your family can't all be wrong.. Who are these imaginary people he's referring to?!?

Your boyfriend is entitled to his opinion, but I just don't happen to agree with him.. I'm having an even harder time understanding why he wouldn't want you to remain friends with Mike since he was the reason you met your boyfriend.. Is there a deep, dark secret that your boyfriend is trying to hide? Does Mike know something that your boyfriend doesn't want you to know? It just doesn't add up..

There's something fishy going on.. Why was it fine for you to hang out with Mike before he was married, but not now? Why have the rules changed? Why does your boyfriend refer to you as a single girl when you're involved in a relationship with him (and therefore, not really single)?

I guess the only answer that matters is no, he's not right.. Just because a person gets married doesn't mean they can't maintain friendships with people who aren't married.. That's crazy talk..

Take Care,
Melanie

Ravishing · 06-24-2003, 10:53 PM

Thanks Creeping Crud,

He means single in the sense that I'm not married. Its just kind of a generic term.

Tonight I tried asking him why Mike being married is such a big deal and if he would feel the same way if Mike were still single. He said that if Mike were single he would be fine with us spending time together. To me this all seems a little backwards. I would think that a single guy would be more of a threat to him than a happily married guy - let alone someone he's known practically his whole life!
He seems fine with our friendship - just so long as that doesn't involve alone time with Mike. We will often go on double dates whenever the 4 of us are in the same place at the same time and all is well.

I don't know if Mike could have any real dirt on him. My b/f moved 1000 miles away when they were younger and they have only casually maintained contact since then. I guess anything is possible but I can't see Mike keeping any big secrets from me - especially concerning the man I hope to marry!

I know that my b/f comes from an incredibly conservative family. Part of me wonders if this is just another value that he has learned from his family. Words cannot even begin to express how old school his mother is

anyone else have thougts on what to do here?

Audrey-B · 06-25-2003, 04:23 AM

Like you said, maybe his thoughts are due to conditioning on his family/mother's part. You do say his mother is very old school. Could it be his mother who is feeding him ideas about it not being right for you to be seen out in public with a married man?

I agree, it doesn't make sense that it was ok for you to be friends with Mike before he married, yet not now!! If Mikes family, wife and your family know of the friendship where is the harm? I really can't offer any advice, but have to wonder if this is the guy you hope to spend your life with, what other odd notions is he liable to get in other areas of your/his life? As far as i can see you have done nothing wrong. Have you spoken to Mike or your parents about this? could they shed more light on the matter?

USCRooster · 06-25-2003, 06:19 AM

I disagree with the previous posters' assessment that this is unusual. Unfortunately, a lot of people find it inappropriate for people to maintain relationships with members of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship. For most of my single life, many of my closest friends were girls. But neither my wife nor my previous girlfriend could understand or accept this. I am sure that jealousy/insecurity is a factor; but there are other reasons. For one, it can create the appearance that there is something going on, fueling gossip among people who might see you together. A bigger problem is that when you are married to someone, that person becomes your confidant. If you have confided in Mike for 10 years, can you just suddenly stop now that the two of you are in relationships? What happens if he is having marital problems or you have problems with your boyfriend - do you and Mike talk about these problems with each other? If so, it's unfair to your/his partner. What about other significant issues in your life? Many things should be shared with your partner alone, within the privacy of your relationship. But wouldn't the relationship with Mike become awkward if you had something on your mind that you couldn't talk about when the two of you got together? Have you and Mike given each other advice over the years? If that has been an important part of your relationship for so long, can you/he just change that now that you are with other people? How would you like to be in an intense discussion with your boyfriend/husband when suddenly he said "well Lisa says ..." ? And what do you and Mike talk about that you can't talk about with your boyfriend? Is it your history together? Well shouldn't you be building a new history together with your boyfriend?

The point is that you and Mike have built a relationship over a long period of time. You cannot maintain the same level of intimacy in that relationship and be fair to your current partners. If you do continue to see each other, how do you not fall back into the habit of giving each other advice or sharing the intimate details of your lives? When you commit to somebody, it goes beyond the physical relationship.

I am posting this merely to present another point of view. I am not sure that I agree with it, but these are the kinds of issues that my girlfriends and wife have had. As I stated up front, I am sure there is some insecurity involved; but part of loving someone is respecting their feelings whether you agree with them or not. And this is something that you commit to when you commit to another person. If you can't respect/honor those feelings, then you should consider finding someone else. There are some issues within a relationship where people can agree to disagree, and move beyond. This isn't one of them. It will continue fester. A compromise might be that you only get together with Mike when your boyfriend can join you.