Do I have the right to be mad/upset?? Or am I overreacting? - Relationship Health Message Board

blurr · 06-20-2003, 03:03 AM

Ok, tonight my bf and I had a "blow-up" of sorts. We were talking, and then he mentioned out of the blue that he thinks I should exercise on a bike for 30 mins a day in front of my TV, when I am home through the days. Why in front of the TV, why a bike? I have no frickin' idea where this thought or comment came from. Thought the comment was a little strange, so I said "Why? Do you think I need to exercise?" He looked at me and said "Yeah, a little...don't you think so?" I was really taken off-guard by the comment. In the end, it hurt. Being that I've never really had someone make comments about my body that way (I think I'm fairly average... 5'6, 120lbs), and the fact that he has made comments such as this before (I'll get to those in a min.), I was shocked, and my first reaction to this was having tears well up in my eyes. I was upset for awhile after this, and my bf got defensive when approaching me on the topic. We tried talking about it a half an hour later, and he got VERY upset with the fact that I had been crying, called me a "baby" and then tried to turn his comment around, explaining what he meant (i.e. he had an "exercise fantasy" about me and thought that it was really great that I had some exercise equipment in my basement???? what the hell?? This had nothing to do with what he said initially). And then he got even more upset with me for not taking the comment "as he had intended it to be taken". When I pointed out his exact words, he denied having said it or meant it that way, and got extremely upset with my teariness. I felt like I was going out of my mind...*did* I really hear him correctly? Was I being a "baby" for reacting like I did? I didn't think so... but this is what he was trying to convey to me after his off-coloured remark. I'm still second guessing myself.

Now, my reason for reacting this way WASN'T because of this sole comment. In the past, he has made some indirect comments about my body and exercising (which he all denies, as well....why would he do this???). A couple of weeks ago, we were coming back from a weekend away, having a great time on the way back in the car. Now, during that weekend, I had acquired a quite a few, swollen black fly bites. I have ALWAYS reacted quite badly to bug bites, and this time was no exception. I had a HUGE swelling under my eye where one had taken a chunk out of me, two swollen wrists and my back looked lumpy (it was horrible!). Anyway, we were talking about my bites, and my bf looks at me and says "Yeah, when I was younger and pudgier, I used to react really badly to bug bites, too." ALRIGHT... does anyone here see something wrong with that comment? In any case, I got upset with him for a few minutes, told him it was uncalled for and that he should choose his words more carefully. He did apologize. However, in the end, it was no big deal. As well, in the past, he has pointed out that he thinks that I should "tone up", and that he thinks I need to exercise....he has called me "soft", as well (instead of pudgy, he'll say "soft").

Now, after pointing out these occasions, my bf vehemently denies having said any of these things. He says that he is just "worried about my health" (I think I'm pretty healthy, actually). Right now, he is *so* mad at me having reacted the way I did, so much to the point where I am second guessing myself and feel like I had no right reacting the way I did. However, these comments have built up and are definitely starting to affect me (obviously, why else would I have reacted this way).

Might I point out that, on a few occasions in the past, my bf has overreacted IN THE EXTREME about things that he is paranoid about. He used to become quite consumed with me cheating on him (which I have NEVER DONE), and when these things have gone on in his mind, he has outright accused me of doing irrational things, such as running out of my home at 3am and trotting off with some other lover. He gets mad at ME for HIS thoughts. I have *always* taken this from him. As well, on one occasion, he thought he smelled cigarrette smoke on me...sniffed my shirt and jacked ~up and down~, and then ignored me as he thought I had lied to him and had a cigarrette. Now, this to me would be a GROSS OVERREACTION~~!! However did I get passionately upset with him for taking out his fears on me? No way. I also pointed this out to him tonight and it seemed to not affect him. He doesn't seem to make that double standard connection.

My bf is now trying to turn things around, calling it "f**ked" that I acted as I did, and saying that there must be something else wrong with me or bothering me for me to have reacted that way.

Am I nuts? Is this all in my head? I don't know what to think. What would you do/say if this happened to you?

Please advise...

Creeping Crud · 06-20-2003, 06:46 AM

Hey blurr,

I personally don't think that you overreacted.. It wasn't as if you started throwing things at him or chasing him around the living room with a knife in your hand.. You became emotional because he hurt your feelings and virtually insulted you.. That's not an abnormal or gross overreaction - it's actually pretty darn normal..

However, I'm not entirely sure that men know how damaging that their snide little remarks & comments can be.. They should have the common sense to know, but they don't have the same body image issues that we females do.. It doesn't sound to me like that's the case with your boyfriend though..

I'm going to go out on a limb here and my speculation might be totally wrong, but here goes.. It sounds to me like he's trying to put you down in an effort to crush your self-esteem.. You are not overweight.. In fact, you might even technically be considered underweight.. But he's proven his jealousy to you before & what better way to keep you under his thumb and by his side than to try to make you feel bad about yourself?

No offense, but if he doesn't love you for the person you are rather than the person you *could be*, he's probably not the right guy for you.. It just sounds like the longer you stay with him, the more your self-esteem is going to suffer & that's not fair to you.. It would be better to end things with him, understand that he's the one with control issues that's screwed up in the head and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself & loves you for the person that you are..

But that's just my opinion..

Take Care,
Melanie

dsheldon3 · 06-20-2003, 07:15 AM

I wish I had your problem.I'm 5'4" and 120 and my BF wants me to gain weight.He's always commenting on how skinny I am and how I need to put on some weight.I'm not too offended about it and have tried to gain weight but I don't feel as well when I gain any wait and it gives me digestion problems so I stay my skinny 120lbs. which I don't consider thin at all.

Just curious though, if he would have stated the oppisite saying you were too skinny would you be just as offended?

dustbunnys_baby · 06-20-2003, 07:59 AM

I wholeheartedly agree with creeping crud. this guy is off his rocker. No offense or anything but he is! I know just by how you are talking that you are a beautiful person and that you are not over weight at all. Just to give you an example. I am 5'2" and 210 pounds. That is overweight. I also agree with the controlling thing. He is trying to bring you down.

There are 2 things you can do in this instance.
1. If you love him and want to keep him in your life(which in my opinion could end up being bad or good)than put you foot down about how you feel tell him exactly what you told us and don't let him get a word in until you have said your peace. I know this is difficult but you can do it. One time I had to do this with my husband because I had given him too much control of my life and without realizing it he was abusing that privilege. I woke him up at 3 in the morning and told him off for like two hours I even left at one point that night. things are much better now that I did that and chose not to budge.

2. You can Kick him to the curb. He doesn't deserve you. You are better than that. If you let him he will soon control every aspect of you life and make you feel inferior to him. Don't let that happen. You are not the crazy one.

My stepfather did the same things to me that your man is doing to you. With the subtle hints and the hurtfull words. He kept my mother blinded for so long. When I turned 18 I split like a nut from there. I hate him to this day and my mother finally left him and I was able to tell her the truth. I know exactly how you feel but you are not the crazy, selfish, overreacting, controlling, emotional, rude person he makes you feel like. He is that person. Sometimes people will do and say things to people that really are about themselves. did that make sense? Don't let him get to you. You are special and important and loved. You can achieve anything you want and he can't change that unless you let him. Good luck Honey and if you need any support you know where to find me. Love Ya! Sunnie

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Life may grab you by the horns if you don't grab it first!

Magnetic · 06-20-2003, 08:03 AM

I think you overreacted, but I also think he is quite insensitive and he way overreacted to your reaction. He obviously feels you are at least somewhat overweight and I presume this does, or will in the future, affect how he feels towards you sexually.

You may wish you rethink your relationship with this man - there are definitely storm clouds out there.