Annie45

Oh Siles, You have been and still are going thru a living nightmare. Keep reading the poem--it will also help reinforce the reality of what's happened to you.

He is a vicious man. I understand that of course there had to be something good as well as good times for you to have developed feelings for him in the first place...but he isn't that person anymore.

When I read about the injuries he's inflicted on you, I cried as I recalled my own mother's broken teeth, glasses, black eyes, her screams in the night. I was the only kid left at home--my older siblings moved out ASAP, and I left that house myself at 17. I tell you this to let you know that I do understand--my mother stayed with him for 54 yrs. until the day she died. She was sad all the time, couldn't drive, wasn't allowed to work, was totally isolated, felt totally trapped--and she was. I would pray every night that my father would die or that they would get divorced. So I tell you my story to also help reinforce that your kids are feeling and thinking things that, like you said, they're too young to have to worry about, and they need your protection also.

But you can't undo the past, so try not to feel guilty about it (I know it's easy for me to say, but it's true, really.) You can only focus on the present and future. You say he's been gone and hasn't called--yes, that's a very good thing! If it's financially feasible and you think you are at a point where you are emotionally able--I suggest you change the locks on all your doors, change your phone number, box up his things and set them on the curb, lock your car up in the garage so he can't sabotage it in some way, and watch your back. It's no wonder you're not sleeping--it's hard to sleep with one eye open all the time.

Have you ever sought out a restraining order or filed charges against him in the past? Has your abuse been documented in any way? I have a feeling you weren't as strong then as you are starting to become now to take that kind of action, but you are getting there now...so please consider a restraining order. What's the worst that can happen, really. I suppose you could be denied one, but then you're in no worse a spot than before. Or you could be granted one and he'd be angry, but he's already angry--how much more pain can he inflict than he might under your current circumstances if he comes back?

You say you feel selfish for focusing on yourself now. That tells me you are still feeling unworthy, and the unworthiness may be what's creating your feelings of love for him (but it's not really love), it's a dependency of sort because you are facing changing a routine and that's very difficult--whether the routine is good or bad--it's still what a person becomes used to, so I understand how difficult it is to all of a sudden find yourself in a different lifestyle than you're used to.

It's okay to have gained weight, people turn to all kinds of things for comfort--whether it's food, drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it. Weight is something you can deal with, but I would suggest that you don't make your "to do" list too long write now. You're barely functioning and you are scared, so all I'm saying is now is probably not the time to worry about that. Once you've dealt with getting him out and away from you, the rest will fall in place as you gradually get your feelings of self-worth back, and then your diet will change as you start to feel better emotionally and physically.

I'd love to keep in touch, and it would be easier via e-mail, so please pass it on to me if you'd like when you get a chance. Keep taking care of yourself and your kids--they love you, you aren't alone, you deserve to live this one and only life without fear. Your fear and emotions are real, and don't feel bad for having them--the belong to you and they are the driving force behind the changes you make in your life.

I think of you often, and I really do care...I've lived it, I've seen it, and abuse has enormous effects on our lives that we sometimes can't see until we are finally free of it.

Hang in there, remember those four kids who love you, and me, your internet friend! Listen to what your gut is telling you, not what the past romantic notions you first felt that still dwell in your heart say...that's past, and what you are feeling and living today is what's real.

Always, Annie.