Why can't I leave him? - Relationship Health Message Board

ashty99 · 06-23-2003, 07:40 PM

I found out the other day that my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend 3 months ago, got her pregnant, and she had an abortion the other day.

He cried and begged with me not to leave him, and said that he wouldn't accept any answers from me until i'd at least slept on it. We have had several talks since then (all of which i've cried during), and nothing has seemed to be resolved.

I did not want to leave him. I still dont want to leave him, although i really hate what he did to me, and i hate that he had such a lack of respect for me, my feelings, and my health (as he had unprotected sex with her). I questioned him about the health thing, and he said that he knew she had not been with anyone else. I told him that it does not make it ok for him to do what he did, regardless of whether he knew that or not (after all, she could have been lying to him).

The other night, he brought his daughter around to my house. we went to his sisters place, then dropped his daughter off at his ex's place (he did not want to take me there, because he knew that she would get angry. i made him take me because i dont trust him alone with her anymore). When he pulled up, she ran outside and just stopped in the driveway when she saw me in the car. he went up to her, she grabbed the baby seat, threw it on the ground, grabbed her daughter, and snatched the dummy out of his mouth and started yelling obscenities at him. She told him he would never see her or his girls again, and so far she is sticking to it.

He was upset with me for not trusting him. he didn't want to take me there because he knew that something like this would happen. The problem is, i am sick of being treated as though i dont exist! She had never even seen me before that night, and was quite happy to pretend i didn't exist. I'm not a mean person, but after what happened between him and her, i hope she was hurt to see me. I hate it that she didn't care that he told me about them sleeping together. i realise that it takes two to tango, and believe me i have tried to be cold and unforgiving, but i just can't do it. but i dont want to give him my heart again just in case he abuses it like he did before.

He seems to think that this event is a worthy cause for me to just trust him again, simple as that. he knows that i was hurt by what happened, but he doesn't understand it.
He is also suicidal, and was about ready to kill himself after what happened with his girls. i dont know what to do there either.

I am at such a loss for what to do, my mind is so confused and i dont trust what anybody says to me anymore, and i am losing faith in people. I did not hate his ex before (i used to feel sorry for her), but now i feel a hate for her that just burns inside of me. i dont like feeling like this but i can't control it.

Can anyone help me, please?

balletgirl04 · 06-23-2003, 08:23 PM

Leave him and don't look back. I'm about to do the same to my dishonest, lying boyfriend. We can do it together and be each other's support-- it's the best thing if you envision a healthy, happy future with someone for an extended period of time.

UF baby · 06-23-2003, 08:54 PM

I agree w/the previous poster. I know how hard it is to except this, being that you love him, but he could not possibly care that much for you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from the inside, so please consider my advice. There is a better guy out there for you, one that will be faithful.

Leanea · 06-24-2003, 05:41 AM

If you don't leave him those kids will continue to suffer between three "adults" hatred for each other. Wake up and get out before it goes any further! There is nothing to look forward to now. The feelings all of you feel are just evil and I don't think its your fault at all, but you need to save yourself from becoming like them. Jealousy, betrayal, lies, hatred... what love there was will never return. You (plural) can't go on like this. There is no respect left towards anyone involved. So why wait any longer as the meaness gets worse. The guy is pathetic and he doesn't deserve you or her. You got your revenge now leave her to deal with her mess. You can get away and start over, she can't. Don't make her life hell anymore than it is. She has so much more to deal with than you because of this jerk. Do yourself a really big favor and leave him for good and get support since you have some very deep feelings.
Just some wisdom from someone who's been there and wished they got out sooner.

Teressa64 · 06-24-2003, 05:47 AM

What do you want to do in your heart of hearts? Do you think you could learn to trust him again or not? How many times had they slept together behind your back? How long as it been since they split up, and how long have you been together?

Unfortunately not everything is straight forward, and it can get extremely messy when two relationships run into each other, the fact they had a lot of history together may have been the reason they slept together, and may actually mean nothing (not for him anyway). The fact that he actually told you about what happened actually says a lot about him, and it does sound as if his previous partner is trying to trap him into something, it may very well have been a calculated move on her part, as she does sound very distressed about the situation.

At the end of the day it is your choice, don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him, but don't leave him because others say thats what you should do in this sort of situation (most people put up with more then they let on). People are people and occasionally they f**k up, and if that is all it was, was a mistake there is no reason why you can't put it behind you and work at your relationship, it may even make it stronger. At the end of the day it is up to you, and only you can decide.

Take care
Tree
x

[This message has been edited by Teressa64 (edited 06-24-2003).]