married, but questioning love - Relationship Health Message Board

LoveKitten · 06-24-2003, 06:55 AM

I need to talk to someone. I was hoping that I could get some help. I'll start somewhat at the beginning .... I first started dating my now husband back in high school. We dated through college and got married a year after we were both out. I feel like I am now falling out of love with him. It scares me to think that this is happening. He is all I have knowm -he's like my security blanket. I am afraid that if we separate that I might realize that I made a mistake? But then what if I realize that I made the best decision? I don't know what to do. I'm scared, but I don't know if I am truly happy either. I'm scared of being alone, without my security blanket, but I don't want to cling to this guy just to have someone there - it's not fair to either party.

There are a lot of issue that have bothered me about him - he likes to spend his extra time playing with his xbox or on the computer. He loves looking at porn (which I can understand to a point, he is a guy), but he has posted ads on adult personal sites, he likes to use the adult video and chat rooms. He has very bad money habits and get mad at me when I try to talk to him about it. He is a slob and I can't get him to clean up after himself. I have asked him several times to help me out around the house. he says he will but never follows through. He works nights, and when I get home the house looks exactly the way i left it when I went to work. He spent the day doing other things, things that HE wanted to do. He then gets mad at me when I get home and start cleaning. I am a fairly neat person and I get very irritated when I get home to a mess.

I feel like I have been blind. He admitted to me once that he cheated, but i have my suspicions that it may have been more than once, but i can't prove it. I'll admit that I still love him, I probably always will, we have shared so many years together. But I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore. There's a big difference and maybe that's why I shy away from being intimate with him. There are times where I just don't want him to touch me. I almost force myself to have sex and be intimate with him. I don't know what to do.

So sorry this is long ..... I need some good advise!

Thanks!

devastated · 06-24-2003, 08:22 AM

If I would you, I would leave him as soon as possible. He sounds like a horrible person to be married to. My opinion would be to get out now. However, before you break the news that you want a divorce (if that is what you decide), I would call and consult with a divorce attorney. Different states are different about what reasons they will let you have a divorce for. You can't use the time that he admitted cheating because if you have sexual relations with your spouse after you find out about an affair, the courts will consider it "forgiven". Some states, like the one I live it, do not allow the "irreconcilanle differences" clause for a divorce. You may need file for a separation first and be separate for one year before you file for divorce, or you may need to obtain proof of his infidelity, etc. Please consult a lawyer first if you decide to leave him, which, in my opinion, would be your best move. If he already admitted to cheating once, and he has ads on the internet, chances are he is still cheating...I wouldn't want to take the chance on him catching an STD or something and bringing it home to you, plus, he sounds like a horrible partner anyway.

MelNor · 06-24-2003, 08:59 AM

LoveKitten...I am so sorry for you! When I read your post it was a lot like my story so I know exactly what your going through. Right after I got married I discovered an email account my husband was using where he was talking with other women on the internet. He was telling them he loved them, inviting them to come to our town etc. I was horrified. I confronted him and he swore he wouldn't do it again. For the first while I used to track his internet use and found nothing, a year later I found where he was having sex talk with some chick on a chat site. Of course he totally denied it at all cost. Now I am at a point where I don't even bother looking cause I can't deal with it again. I don't know if he has ever physically cheated but IMO, the other was just as bad and shows where his morals lie.

On top of that crap he is an alcoholic, all of the veichles are in my name and therefore he puts me at risk each time he goes on one of his binges cause he drinks and drives. Last weekend he came to pick me up after work drunk!! The drinking I can deal with, simply cause I came to realize it is not my problem, it is his, but when I told him to get out of the drivers seat and let me drive he threw a fit. He swore he wasn't drinking, even though he was slurring and reaking of booze. He still denies it to this day.

And as for the money situation, he is so irresponsable I can't even begin to explain the depth. For example, a few months ago he bounced our mortgage payment. No big deal, correct the problem by immedieately going to the bank and paying it. He had the money, that was not the problem. Instead he decided it would be a better idea not to pay it. He lied to me by saying he payed it. I came home 2 months later to find a home appraiser at our house. I found out he not only neglected paying the month he bounced but also the 2 payments after that one since they cease direct payment once you default until your arrears are up to date.

As for not helping aroung the house, I wish that was the worse problem I had.

Of course, our sex life has become non-existant. He can't understand why I am not into sex with him, after my past experiences with him, the thought of sex makes my skin crawl.

I know, like you that the marriage is "OVER", I don't know what I am holding on to. Clearly he is never ever going to change. I am tired of being the only one trying. He tried for about 12 hours after I catch him in a situation but that's about it.

It hurts so much cause to me when I took those marriage vows I was in it for the real deal. To him it was a joke!

I know I am not offering any real solutions for you but in some strange way, reading your post made me realize what I had to do myself and I hope mine helps you. If nothing more than to know your not alone.

May you have the strength to do the thing that is best for you!

Keep us informed on your situation ok!

Mel

------------------
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

USCRooster · 06-24-2003, 09:05 AM

I am very sorry for you. It's so risky to marry so young and your first love. To me, he sounds self-centered, bored, and possibly even depressed on some level - as though he is tuning out the world. As for the interest in porn - which you excused because he is a guy - that is not an excuse. I am a guy, and neither I nor any of my friends have an interest in porn. It's disrespectful to you.

If there is any hope of salvaging the relationship I would encourage you to think about what attracted you to him in the first place. You were with him for a long time before you got married. Has he changed? Is there any hope of getting him to see that he has changed so that he might change back? Counseling might be able to help with this. Communication is also important. Tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel. Make sure that he understands how serious this is. And then get him to join you in marriage counseling. If he isn't willing to meet you half-way, then as difficult as it might be in the short-run, you will be much better off without him in the long-run.

Best wishes.

Creeping Crud · 06-24-2003, 09:51 AM

Hey LoveKitten,

I think it's probably safe to say that you've already fallen out of love with him.. You obviously don't respect him anymore (given his less than respectable behavior), he's probably broken at least 75% of the marriage vows he made to you and quite frankly, you have every reason to reevaluate your relationship and decide what's best for you..

I realize that a lot of people stay in long term relationships because they become comfortable and experience a sense of security, but the longer you stay with him, the more you're going to end up resenting him.. I also realize that you took your marriage vows seriously, but living up to those vows and maintaining a healthy marriage is a two way street.. In other words, I agree with you - it doesn't sound to me like he took his vows very seriously..

I think the infidelity is the biggest nail in your relationship's coffin though.. If he's admittedly cheated on you once, posts ads on adult personal sites and engages in sexual chat & video, he obviously has no respect for you.. If placed in your situation, I would have to wonder how many times he's really cheated on you & how many times he will continue to cheat in the future..

Is this the man you really want to spend the rest of your life with? I would give that question some serious thought.. The sloblike tendencies are pretty trivial (although I know from personal experience that they are frustrating), but do you honestly believe that you're going to miss him if you leave? What will you miss most? His adultery? His addiction to internet porn? Forcing yourself to be intimate with him? You should really try to list his good qualities along with the bad ones..

I'm not saying that you should rush out and get a divorce.. I happen to agree with USCRooster's advice.. If he has changed throughout the course of your relationship and is willing to go to marriage counseling in order to save your marriage, it might be worth a shot.. But I'm honestly not sure it will work.. If his bad behavior continues after counseling and your resentment continues to grow, you need to leave the situation..

My parents were married for 18 years and had two children.. They divorced when I was 15 because of their irreconcilable differences.. My mother remained single (although she still does date), but she's never looked back.. They are far happier apart than they ever were together..

With that in mind, my closing question to you is: would you rather be alone or lonely? Which is more frightening? I would personally find being alone a lot more preferable to being lonely in a relationship.. At least then you'd have a chance to be happy since you don't appear to have one now..

Take Care,
Melanie