Stigma

I broke up with my boyfriend of over-a-year about two years ago. Although he had issues that drove me crazy (talked about himself all the time, had complexes, was numb to other people's pain - not including mine), he treated me wonderfully. He's definitely not the typical guy. We were both each other's "first" and we had something fairly special going on. However, there were times when I would look at him and think, "How did I ever end up here? He's so not right for me," and then there were other times when I would see him and melt, long to be with him... Yes, I was obviously confused. Although I wanted him to see that I was committed to him, I almost enjoyed making him feel a little insecure at times and leading him to believe that I would survive if we were to ever part... During this whole time, I was dealing with an eating disorder that consumed my life and even the love I felt for him wasn't strong enough to keep me from self-destruction. That summer, I became severely bulimic and couldn't stand having anyone around. I pushed away all my friends, my family, and started spending a lot of time at home, binging and purging. It was like my own little love affair with food... I never could've admitted him to him, because I was too ashamed. To top it all off, I began feeling like maybe I didn't care for him afterall (now I think I just managed to convince myself of that so it would make it easier on me to break up). Anyway, I left him...telling him that I never really could love him, that it wouldn't bother me if I saw him with someone else, etc. I was prett cruel and to this day, I hate myself for that. I felt like a great burden was lifted off my chest once I managed to break up with him (he was very clingy), but I never stopped thinking about him. I would feel really uncomfortable upon running into him, and we stopped even greeting each other.

Anyway, I now live in a different city where my sister ran into this guy the other day. Had moved here last summer, a year before I did. I was shocked to find out that he asked about me, told her to say hi to me, complemented my looks to her and everyone around her... I haven't been able to get him out of my head since then. I haven't had a boyfriend or a love interest since we broke up, I think mostly because I never really had any closure to this relationship. Though I'll never admit it to anyone, I really regret breaking up with him and would like for us to eventually get back together, but I know this could never happen... I'm at a much better stage of my eating disorder and am in recovery now, though the monster is still in me and I'm afraid it could overwhelm me again.

I'm sorry this post is so disorderly, but my thoughts about this situation are very scattered and I've been having a hard time sorting them out even after two long years. I doubt that anyone has ever had a smiliar experience, but since I can't talk to anyone about this, could someone give me some input as to how I should act? He told me sister he didn't have a phone, so I can't contact him, but now, every time I go to town, especially to his part of the city, I'm trembling with desire to run into him and fantacizing about us developing a friendship once again. Anyone who knew us could tell you that he was very in love with me and though he has every reason to hate me and has had a brief relationship or two since then, I believe that I could stir up old emotions in him, especilly after the comments he made about me to my sister... The last thing I want to do is seem desperate to find him and with my stubborness and pride, I'd never make a move on him if I didn't think there was still something there.

Anyway, do I just let the sleeping dogs lie, burry the past, and try to forget it about it or do I help fate a little and finally try to get some closure to this whole thing? Please, help me, I don't know where else to turn! It's been two long years and I can't stop thinking about the past!

Thanks.