How can I help her? - Relationship Health Message Board

*SoccerMom* · 08-14-2003, 09:10 PM

Hi Everyone~
I am in serious need of some advice on how to help my niece. Some quick background though: my brother divorced when his daughter was 5 and always had visitations. Things were pretty ugly and regretfully, it seems that the children always get hurt in that sort of situation. They both remarried and have new families. It has been 12 years and for the most part, we only see my niece a few times a year.

My niece is almost 18 and last fall, she decided to move out. She is a smart girl who hasn't ever been in trouble. She left school with this LOSER of a guy she has been seeing and everyone was so hurt. He is a very handsome guy with several "stray" children. Not responsible, not dependable, not faithful.....I could go on all night! He is filth! The thing is that she thinks he is wonderful....she moved in with him and they don't even have electricity in their home! It is horrible living conditions. Well.........she is pregnant and is due next month. She has caught him cheating and it is so apparent to everyone that he doesn't care a bit for her or the baby. My brother is so furious and has tried "forcing" her to come home.....her mom is trying the loving, "always wants her to know she can return home" approach. She hasn't prepared for the baby since it is financially left up to HIM (loser). I feel like hunting him down....it is so frustrating to me. He is older and has definitely been around WAY more than she has. This is her first boyfriend. I want to be loving and supportive but on the other hand, I want to make her realize that SHE and her baby deserve more. She knows that he treats her like crap but she continues listening to his lies. I know that you have to live and learn but I want to be able to help her! I was a single mother but I knew from the time that I found my ex was cheating that I deserved better. It was a hard time but I don't remember ever having the feeling of "needing him" because in my opinion HE wasn't who I thought he was....I wish I could make my niece see that with this loser she is with. I told her that I would take her this week and buy a crib, a crib set, some clothes and a car seat. I thought this would get her inspired to get prepared and realize that she doesn't need him. In fact, he even told her that all she needed was a car seat and some Salvation Army clothes because the baby didn't need a fancy room or even a CRIB!!!!!!! Ergh!!!! I need some excellent advice on how to make her realize that he doesn't care for her or the baby! Help!

ForgetMeKnot · 08-14-2003, 11:07 PM

Well i dont know much about these kinds of situation...but you could "bribe" her.

Let her see how horrible its going to be having a baby, and with him not being around and lieing, and let her see how much shes really going to need to have even the every day living tools as electricity to raise a baby.

And the more time she spends with the family buy her more things, or bribe her secretivly by giving her the baby stuff whens shes with you or spending time with the family.

Because it could just turn out..If you buy her stuff she will become dependent on her family for baby stuff when it should be "the man of the house" and still stay with him in the house, while you are providing everything.

thats my two sense...good luck....(I have a cousin exactly this way, and i can understand what your listening to, they just dont get it, because they beleive the lies, and beleive the "i love yous", very frustrating!)

KaysMom · 08-14-2003, 11:18 PM

Hi SoccerMom! Great name! I'm going to be one of those too this fall! I had my daughter three months before I turned twenty. My daughter's Father is LOSER too. I split up with him after we moved in together and he decided to quit his job and let me support him. Its been a tough road. Thankfully, I've had lots of support from my family and his. I think that's all you can really do, show her love and support. Somethings we have to learn the hard way. When the baby is born she may come to her senses. I know that my priorities changed. I quit worrying about "true love" and started thinking about what was best for my child, how I was going to give her a stable home, etc.,etc. If she is living in a home without electricity and has nothing prepared for this baby, coming home to this kind of an environment with a new born will probably be a huge eye opener.Don't make it sound like a threat, but, you might want to mention to her that child protective services would probably find her living conditions unsuitable. That might make her rethink the situation a little. Just don't make it seem like you're threatening her, but, warning her. As for her boyfriend, I think its a real shame that someone doesn't tie "it" in a knot for him! I know that at Seventeen I thought I knew everything. Guys like him need to prey on that kind rebellious nievety because grown women with some sense see them for what they are! My daughters Father is in his thirties and still dates eighteen year old girls! Good luck. I hope things work out for her.

jasmine30 · 08-15-2003, 01:38 AM

Hi SM,

One of these days when your niece gets older,she will look back and realize what he is.Right now she is at the age where she knows it all.

I wonder what the Hospitals Social service or DHS office in your area will do or say after the baby is born.If they find out that she lives in an environment with no electricity,they may take the baby from her or help her locate elsewhere.Winter is coming up and that baby will need warmth.

*SoccerMom* · 08-15-2003, 06:31 AM

Thanks for the replies!

ForgetMeKnot~ I surely had similar thoughts about bribing her! It sounds terrible. I thought that if I carried her to get stuff for the baby it would help her realize just how exciting it is AND it would also give us a chance to do some bonding. I have seen women/girls who have a baby with jerks like this who don't care one bit about the baby. It is terrible when they "dump" them with whoever they can....it horrifies me that this seems where she is headed. It seems that HE always makes himself come first. He doesn't want her to be excited about the baby.

KaysMom~ Good luck with soccer! I have thought about changing it to "SoccerFootballBaseballBandDanceMom"

I think the hardest thing in my situation with my niece is that I have been there. I split up with my ex when I was 8 months pregnant. The situation was different.....mine was a wealthy, cheating loser and although it hurt for a long time, I never regretted my decision. My baby was always first (and still is!) I know that I took a lot for granted with my first pregnancy....I read all that I could but I still feel that I realized the miracle so much more with my other children. Perhaps I wasn't scared and I knew what to expect then. I don't know-- I just look at her with such sadness. She is just "floating" along with no clue how special a time this is for her! The nursery and getting prepared was such a special time too! *sigh* I just hope that she comes to her senses! I WILL definitely use the Child Protective Services thing! I talked to her Tuesday and I tried to let her know that she needs a CLEAN, safe home to bring her baby home. I told her that there is no way that she can put her baby in that HORRIBLE place! ANd with that disqusting man! He reminds me of the type of man who just is trying to "sweet talk" his way out of child support by preying on these innocent girl's emotions. LET me tell ya'........tying "it" in a knot has been on my list of things that I have thought about doing to this creep! I found out last night that he is 26! And that he has at least 4 children under 5! I think that the mothers are all under 19! My niece's mother checked on it when she left homelast year and obviously the "jerk" knows the law well. She left home the day after she turned 17...and 17 is the legal age in our state!

Jasmine~ I want her to realize it now!

I remember wondering with my first child what in the world I was going to do...but I never would have been 3 weeks before delivery with no clue as to where the baby would sleep or anything. I even invited her to stay with me. My husband says that unless something changes, I would just be a babysitter for her to run off for days with this creep. IT is a horrible situation! I keep hoping that she will wake up and that somehow we can get this jerk away from her! She even talks about how horrible he is but describes his "love" as a spell. Makes me want to puke!

Thanks for the advice. If anyone else has any suggestions or comments, I would appreciate it greatly!