REALLY need help with long-term relationship breakup - Relationship Health Message Board

in_flux · 08-15-2003, 02:09 PM

hi ... hoping someone out there can give me some advice on how to deal with a situation that is causing me an immense amount of pain, sadness, and loneliness.

i'm a 33-year-old male. approximately 2.5 years ago i was on a video chat program (not a dating site, just a videoconferencing program that allows you to go into rooms and talk to all kinds of people who you can see on webcams) and i met this girl. we ended up bonding on that thing, talking on the phone, really getting to know each other but still taking things slow because i know how these Internet things can go. anyways, after about six months i finally flew her out across the country to see me and she ended up staying. we lived together for six months and then she moved back to her home city, with the intent that soon i would move out there as well. 3 months later i did exactly that, we got an apartment and we've been living together here for nearly a year and a half. during that time we'd been through a LOT. she suffers from depression and wasn't working and is kind of antisocial, so after a long period of dealing with that, and with my support and help, she got on antidepressants and then a few months later got a really good job that she likes.

anyways, fast forward to last sunday. she comes home from work and gives me the 'we need to talk' line...uh oh right? so she's like, we need to break up...she says she's changed in the three months since she's been working, that life doesn't feel as grim as it used to, and that though once she thought we were soulmates and was REALLY and genuinely in love with me, she just doesn't feel that way anymore. then, she tells me that for the few days previously, she was flirting with guys on that video chat program, and she said she always told herself (and me) that if she ever felt compelled to do that, she knew our relationship wasn't what she wanted. we've also had issues with using the internet most of the time we've been dating, she's definitely an addict. for me, it's hard to complain because we did meet that way, but ever since we met in person i stopped using that program and i don't chat with people online or anything at all like that.

moreover, part of her rationale for splitting up is that she's never truly been on her own. she's 24 now, and she's either lived at home (not a good family life either) or with a previous boyfriend whom she lived with for 3 years when she was 18-21 and who treated her coldly and awfully. so she wants to be truly independent, not feel smothered by a relationship, and live her life as a 24-year-old.

from my perspective, right now i am angry at what she's done, the flirting behind my back thing (she's even said to me, when she was pretty drunk the other night here in the apt. and talking to that guy, that he was 'her Internet boyfriend because I don't want a real boyfriend') and just the hurt she's inflicted and the sense that i was there for her for a LONG time and loved her and supported her unconditionally, and now that she's doing better it's like she doesn't need me anymore. but i am also equally sad and heartbroken because despite that, we did have an amazing bond and so much in common and really thought that once her problems were addressed in a positive way, we could have a healthier relationship. she still lives with me, but she's planning to get her own place within the next couple of weeks. she says (as everyone does) that she wants to be great friends and hang out all the time -- she's planning to get an apartment pretty close by, and she says she gets a sick feeling in her stomach to think i could move back home across the country and she'd never see me again. she's also said on a couple of occasions in the past few days since the breakup that she's confused and she still "likes me" and isn't closing the door to what might happen between us down the road when she's on her own and satisfies that urge.

so here's my quandary: part of me wants to just say seeya, when she moves out not talk to her for at least a month and try to move on with my life, just worry about the things i need to do. and another part is obviously holding out hope for a future reconciliation, given that she's not 100% sure of things, that i know she still has feelings for me, that a lot of these internet things like what she's doing now fizzle easily and she might wake up and realize she messed up, etc. i'm afraid that if i cut her off, she'll think i've given up on her and she won't want to get back with me even if she wanted to (she's pretty passive), but if i keep in contact with her and be her friend and hang out, it will only prolong my agony.

if you have ANY COMMENTS OR ADVICE WHATSOEVER, it would really make me feel better. actually, just knowing that anyone might be reading this LONG posting (sorry! :-)) and cares in any way already feels good - it's good to vent. having moved out here without really knowing anyone else in this city, and since we've both been kinda keeping to ourselves this past 1.5 years, i don't have a whole lot of close friends i can really talk to about this or hang out with.

thanks a lot for listening

DonutsNCoffee · 08-15-2003, 02:28 PM

Well it sounds like this girl is using you as some kind of security blanket. Now that she's become more confident in herself, she's taking more chances. But it looks like she wants you around in case she doesn't find anything better. For that reason alone, I would make a clean break. You deserve better than to be someone else's safety net. I personally could not be friends with a person like that. From what you've said, she sounds very selfish and doesn't think about your feelings. If you need to move to anither city, do so. If she changes her mind and decides she wants you back, don't bother. You should not have to put your life on hold waiting for her to make up her mind.

nzblue · 08-16-2003, 01:27 AM

I feel the same why you where there for her and she needed you. You brought her to a stage where she could coupe alone and she nolonger needs you.
The thing is if you completly break away will she still feel staple as you are the rock she built her house on take away the rock and before you know it she could have a couple of bad experiences and be right back where she started.
We always try to do our best for the ones we love and you did just that.
The love was not returned just used.
Make a clean break stand back and watch from a distance I don;t think she will do to well for to long

in_flux · 08-16-2003, 10:17 AM

both of those posts, even if they are hard to hear, definitely make sense. i don't think she is an evil or heartless person, i just think she is troubled and confused and certainly selfish, and she's doing what she wants to do right now and not worrying so much about how it's affecting me.

what i have noticed tho over the past week is that she seems to be regressing. she is on the computer ALL THE TIME talking to those couple of guys (and some other people), and completely ignoring me. she literally doesn't do anything else except for go to work -- and when she gets home she goes to the computer within 5 minutes. and she's also doing a lot of drinking - she had stopped not long after we started going out because she used to get drunk a lot and has alcoholism in her family. one of the things i was happiest about was that i was able to help her stop drinking. but now she seems to want to do that, and she's talking about wanting to smoke weed and do other drugs etc...she's just acting in a completely different way than she has for the past couple years of our relationship. and that's understandable - she wants to be her own person and do what she wants and probably rebelling against the way she was when we were together. it's so hard tho because she is SO cold to me now - she won't really talk to me, and if she does it's superficial, obviously she is trying to detach herself from me, and it's really tough because we still live together ... i dunno.

maybe what i am seeing is the real her? i definitely dont like the way she's being (of course) so if this is really her, selfish and immature and 100% a computer addict, then i guess i'm not losing a whole lot. i can't help but think about the good times we had in 2.5 years, but they don't seem to mean much to her anymore. somehow i really have to find the guts to move on -- i'm really torn between disliking her and being essentially repulsed by her behavior, and also loving her and knowing that we had a really really strong and unique connection for a long time. that just doesn't go away overnight, even if she's acting like it did.

i guess i have to remember this -- when she moves out, i will be working on improving myself, trying to go have fun and do new things and be more social, and i know that her life will be what she's doing now: working and coming home and spending all her time online. seems pathetic to me. i can't even be jealous of the guys she's talking to, even if she has feelings for them, i know firsthand the difference between talking to her online for 5-6 months and being with her in person for a couple of years ... it's night and day. i think she's more suited for fantasy life than reality.

Ninispjc · 08-17-2003, 03:14 AM

The only thing I can tell you is I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 years and it was on-again off-again. I think we both knew it wasn't going to work but couldn't let go of each other. He finally broke it off for good and found someone else fairly quickly and married her not long ago. Waiting for a not-quite-sure SO to love you is a waste of time, by my experience. If she doesn't love you enough to stay with you now, she probably never will. I think she feels bad about you leaving and her never seeing you again because you've shared so much. She probably does care about you, but it really doesn't sound like she loves you anymore. People break up for a reason. If I were you, I'd move on as much as possible.