Why Does This Happen In Long-Term Relationships? - Relationship Health Message Board

Honeychild · 08-16-2003, 02:07 AM

When I say long term, I mean like 10 years and plus.
I find my relationship has been lacking in that real excitement and passion arena, that it should have, like back in the early days of a relatinship. When you are experiencing that 'high' of being "in love".

I dont feel a real emotional connection with my husband any longer. But he is such a good man to me. Most women would die to have a man like him in their life. Maybe I just expect too much from a long term relationship, but I really miss Passion and excitement, and also sexual passion too.

What can I do? I dont want to get a divorce, but I do thrive on passion and excitement. And sometimes it makes me do things I shouldnt do. And want to look for that, elsewhere. I dont know how to fix this.

It kind of feels like I have had to compromise passion, to be in this relationship. I so miss that passion! It hasnt always been this way. In the early years, there WAS passion.

Long term relationships just seem to get dull. Even friends I know, comment on this in their own relationships. the dull part of it.

Am I just expecting too much from a relationship?

Pandabaire3 · 08-16-2003, 06:59 AM

Well, at least I want you to know that your not alone out there - tons of people feel the same way in their relationships. I guess part of the problem is that A) maybe we sometimes do expect a little too much due to hyped up stuff we hear in the media, etc (for instance, tv and radio and print ads are constantly stressing how important it is to be young and sexy and that all couples should be doing it constantly) and B) there actually is a "chemical" change that happens in our bodies during the time we're with someone.

I saw a show once that described this...when you first meet up with a mate, there is a chemical that gives off a "high" feeling in you - then there are several stages of a relationship that we go through - eventually coming to a stage of "comfort"...this is the stage in which trouble can occur because one or both spouses neglect something in some area's of the relationship and you (or he and you) end up feeling frustrated because things aren't the way they used to be. It's damn hard to be a long term commited couple!!

Myself, I believe that the passion CAN still stay in the relationship IF BOTH partners are willing to work at it. Does the type of relationship exist where the couple feels like they did when they first met - even after decades of marriage? I'm sure it happens on occasion but it's probably pretty rare. Anyway, I'm with ya - I'd love to have some hot steamy sessions where I felt all encompassed by my partner - a lover where it was extremely exciting and new - but I think the longer we're with one person, the more the relationship starts to settle into a partner/sibling/friend sort of situation.

Pandabaire3 · 08-16-2003, 07:08 AM

Wanted to also comment on "looking elsewhere" to fill that void. Be careful what you wish for. It can have ill effects no matter what you do. I mean, obviously if the husband finds out, the marriage is in trouble, he loses trust in you and you may lose him in the end...some other woman will be lucky enough to find out what a great guy he is.

Also is the problem of emotional attatchment occurring with the lover - perhaps now your only looking for sexual excitment and release, but women are wired for empathy and caring. Eventually you will come to have an emotional attachment for the lover and lose emotional attachment all together for your spouse. This is in effect the "cheating" aspect....not the sex part, but the losing interest and love in the man you made a commitment to part.

Then you have a problem about what to do with that...do you want to leave your husband or not - that's the decision your going to be faced with. And if you leave your spouse for your lover, who's to say that this won't bite you in the butt later? Your lover sure can't trust a woman who cheated on a previous husband....and you can't trust him if he was also involved with someone at the time of your tryst... see, it's a dead end cycle instead of a solution. Have you talked with your husband about this problem your having?

Honeychild · 08-16-2003, 08:33 PM

I know all these things in my head, that you have said is fact. I just dont know why life/relationships have to be this way. Why do things have to get monotonous and dull?

Maybe I do expect too much from relationships. Want the whole passion/fantasy thing going on, but life just doesnt work like that, and THAT really SUX!!!

Feeling a bit down about this life reality.

Pandabaire3

"Then you have a problem about what to do with that...do you want to leave your husband or not - that's the decision your going to be faced with. And if you leave your spouse for your lover, who's to say that this won't bite you in the butt later? Your lover sure can't trust a woman who cheated on a previous husband....and you can't trust him if he was also involved with someone at the time of your tryst... see, it's a dead end cycle instead of a solution. Have you talked with your husband about this problem your having?"

I have also thought about what you said here above.That if I was to leave my hsuband for someone else, I could also find myself in this exact situation again. I could go through the wonderful early stages of a relationship, and then what happens when THAT relationship also gets into that monotonous phase. I dont want to drift from relationship to relationship looking for that passion and that 'high', but it is such a wonderful feeling, it can sometimes make you do things that you wouldnt normally do. Not that I am now planning on doing anything crazy, but I do miss that excitement and awe of being in love.

If my husband wasnt such a great husband, kind and considerate, it would be easy to leave. But Iwont hurt him like that. Sure he has made some mistakes in the past, as I have, but he is really a wonderful man.
We have been married for almost 14 years now. But its just not the relationship I dreamed of. (Sad)

Pandabaire3 · 08-17-2003, 06:07 AM

I know exactly how you feel so I hope you at least can get some comfort in that.

Personally, my problem lies with me to blame I think. I was very shy in my younger days and didn't get out much with the opposite sex to have new experiences. I basically married my first long term boyfriend - seemed like a good idea at the time, ya know?

He takes such good care of me and is a complete saint in my book - he gave me self esteem, gave me strength, and a new outlook on life....before him I had no expectations in my life, no path to follow, low self esteem - just puddy waiting to have a mold. He saved me so I feel obligated to stay because he loves me dearly (as do I love him the same) but as far as passion? There probably wasn't much there in the first place - I was just happy to be getting SOME sexual experience so it didn't matter that I felt blah when we kissed. He's just so giving and wonderful that it's impossible for me to just up and leave him because of all the other wonderful aspects of our relationship.

I also think (in my own personal opinion) that after being married for a decade, I've come to the conclusion that I don't think humans are supposed to be monogomous. It seems that most marriages that I've seen get the bordom that sets in and the lack of passion. I think we're just like every other animal out there - we're meant to procreate - so that means have sex with many other humans in order to improve the species. I think the idea of commiting to one person is a romantic one, and the ideal - but it's just very difficult to do this....obviously we latch onto our "territory" when we first meet a potential mate and the idea of keeping this person for ourselves is appealing, so we marry. If we didn't have emotional attachment happen like this, marriage probably wouldn't exist in the world.